All That Could Have Been
by Rosette-Cullen
Summary: Edward, a vampire traveling as a nomad for unclear reasons, comes across a challenge. Long together, their terrifying experience brings Bella and Edward closer than either wants. AU, OOC. Graphic scenes, mature content.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is my first attempt at AU in a multi-chaptered story. I tend to think too much about vampires and their increased senses so I really honestly tried not to get too crazy with it.**

**WARNING: I'd like to give fair warning right now. This story is rated M, this is real M. There isn't just sex--incredibly hot, amazing sex--there's questionable consent, kidnapping, stalking and anyone who doesn't like opression to women ie. abusive relationships and submission, you should NOT read this. There's NO RAPE or beating for sport, this ISN'T S&M or BDSM this is just a vampire and human story with mature and adult themes. Because not every story is happy and romantic.**

**So, I'd like to introduce you to my love child and the fruit of my four month writing binge.**

* * *

_April_

---

Edward

---

There is something to be said about life. In the grand scheme of things humans look at the world in a distant astral belief, one in which life is wondrous and welcoming and beings in the heavens look down upon them. Those humans live their lives according to the law of man and humanity which they share with others. Some feel the need to deviate from their chosen path and become something different—something _more._

Others look at the world philosophically. The world is not a world, but an earth which beings inhabit and live on. There is a molten center, boulders and rocks that give a hint at what lies beneath the surface, and that as creatures we will one day be apart of the ever expanding marsh lands.

I myself chose to look at the world as something less than meaningful, but more as a fluke in the solar system that somehow created the concoction of Neanderthals and _life._

For a century I had pondered the meaning of life but never really came to a conclusive ending. Even a being such as myself who survives on habit and melancholy had to have some reason for existing, even if it was slight.

I often watched humans interacting with each other, how they masked their disgust with an old friend or shuffled away from confrontation, some running head on. Even if one human was different, they were all the same. There were one hundred carbon copies for each human. Maybe humans knew that they would die—of course they did—but they never accepted it until they were on their last leg. Younger humans viewed life as an annoying burdensome thing, through puberty they often wondered what their purpose on earth was.

They had none.

The female waitress lifted my untouched coffee cup. A waft from the white ceramic dish blew my way and a rumble began in my chest too low for her to hear. The girl knew better than to stay around me, and left to dump the coffee in the back, wondering all the way why I bothered to order if I didn't drink.

I'd been in this coffee house everyday for the last two months unconditionally. It was ridiculous, absolutely preposterous, but here I was once again staring out at the street and watching each passersby walk down the busy streets. Rain began to fall lightly and like ants they scattered.

For half an hour I listened to the bustling coffee house and watched the scarce populace that ran down the sidewalks desperately to escape the drops. A pale yellow umbrella strolled leisurely down the street covering a young woman's face.

My whole body sat up straight and I concentrated hard on the body walking slowly over the cracks in the concrete. Her small feet almost tiptoed over a gash in the sidewalk and when the heel of her shoe caught in a smaller fissure she stumbled and lowered her umbrella just enough for me see her eyes wincing closed and opening slowly. I sighed audibly.

The girl placed her umbrella back onto her right shoulder, obscuring her face from me once more. I watched her legs walk down the street, the sun dress wrapped around them. When the top of her umbrella was gone from my sight, I stood and left a vague tip.

The rain against my skin made no impact on me as I walked across the street and followed down the same path as she had gone. I was twenty yards behind when I saw her again. She was stopped on the pathway and talking to some tall boy with light blonde hair and a grin plastered across his face. I turned and focused my eyes on the board full of flyers in front of me.

_"Did you reserve your invite to Jess's party yet?" _the boy asked.

_"No, not yet," _her voice was quiet, shy.

_"Yeah, me neither. In all honesty I don't even know if I should go. I mean, we just broke up and I don't really wanna go alone…."_

_"I'm sure Tyler or Eric will accompany you."_

_"Well, yeah, I know, but I was kind of hoping that if you weren't busy…" _the boy trailed off and his mind became a swell of panic. He regretted asking her immediately.

My fists clenched at my side. I kept my mind's eye focused on him, blocking out all other white noise. I saw her face as the question was implied. Her eyes got minutely wider and the brown was so utterly piercing that my abdomen clenched in want.

She shook her head back and forth slowly. She began to run her fingers over the metal pole of her umbrella. He didn't take notice but I certainly did. She stumbled over an excuse of why she might not be able to make it on Saturday, but the boy brought up the fact that she had already gotten Jessica a gift last week when he saw her. She sighed in defeat and then smiled kindly with a dismissing, "I guess I'll see what happens on Saturday."

She briefly waved in a friendly gesture and began to continue on her path. The boy walked the opposite way, glancing back at her and completely lost in his thoughts.

_'Every time I catch her out she acts like I'm a stranger or something. Why am I so awkward around her? I should have just waited for her there and then… ugh! Fuck, Mike, what were you thinking?'_

I walked faster to catch up to her and to escape his rambling. His guilt trip would last a few hours at least and I reminded myself to take another route when I came this way. I focused on the quiet sounds of my feet sloshing against the puddles instead of the wandering minds around me.

The girl in front of me turned onto another street and I was immediately on her trail, following her no more than fifteen behind. My jaw clenched when I smelled her, the clean scent exacerbated by the rain. I sucked in a deep breath and moved closer. She slowed a bit and I saw her head turn minutely.

Her feet picked up pace as she crossed the street and ducked into the safety of a darkened bookstore. She fumbled with the keys and opened the door. I ducked behind a tree and watched her through the glass of the store. She looked outside, directly where I was standing even though she couldn't see me. Her eyes were a bit panicked but she turned quickly and began setting things up to open the store.

I turned and walked back the way I came, avoiding the road towards the coffee shop and taking a back road.

--

The rain was thick against the glass when I arrived home. The room was nearly black in the early hours of the morning. I dropped my jacket against the wall and let it slump unceremoniously to the floor. I had six hours until I would go anywhere.

I clicked the button on the answering machine out of habit and nothing came but a small beep indicating no new messages. I grabbed the top book from one of the piles around the living room and opened to the page where I'd marked last.

In the grand scheme of things six hours was nothing. I could stand on my hands for six hours and not think twice about it. My eyes tore away from the page I was reading and out through the window where the rain continued to pour.

I had watched humans for many years and never thought about it being wrong or strange. Scientists studied different animals, children watched anthills and most homes had animals which they kept and observed. In all reality there was nothing wrong with my… fascination.

Isabella Swan was my… pet in a sense. I had watched her for three years now, every movement and every step. I had only just removed myself while she went to work. My mind wandered back to the moment where she lowered her umbrella, the way her eyes crinkled when her heel caught in the crack.

I wanted her in the worst way possible. It was something in what I was, that once we had an attachment, we needed to find a way to detach it. It was a vague theory, but when I had become convinced I could hold an honest job like a regular human I went job hunting for three months before making a decision to work in an office. After a week I quit the job and decided working wasn't for me.

It had happened several times with different authors, musicians, even states and countries. Those like myself clamped onto a hobby or an obsession and hung onto it with every ounce of their being until it was done, finished, drained, _dead_.

At that thought my mind raced with nostalgia and I began to dissect each phase until I found something that carried over into the creature I had become.

--

Six hours passed quickly in the silence of my small penthouse. The rain had stopped at intervals and it came down even harder around noon when I left.

I walked at a leisurely pace down the cracked streets and quiet roads. My hair was drenched by the time I made it to the bookstore again. The smell of my leather jacket was pungent but I ignored it when I spotted her behind the counter.

She had put her hair up with loose tendrils falling down around her face and neck. She was speaking with another co-worker about which books were coming in later on in the evening before slipping on her thin sweater over her sundress. When she stepped outside, her umbrella opened once more and I could see nothing more than her legs and tiny waist.

She began walking back in the direction I had just come from and I kept a safe distance behind her. Abruptly her heart picked up in her chest, almost to the point where it sounded like a hummingbird was trapped in her chest.

She stopped cold in her tracks.

I stopped no more than ten feet behind her. The umbrella lowered and she turned slowly. Her heart penetrated every sound, the buzz of people in the distance melted away and all I could focus on were those large brown eyes looking up at me.

Her lips parted slightly and she turned her body fully around until she was facing me. The rain continued to pour and with the umbrella lowered droplets splashed on her eyelids and lips. Her skin was pale to match the grey skies but with her beating heart it made the blood rush to her neck and slowly to her cheeks. She looked shocked, scared, flustered but then her wide, innocent eyes met mine and she looked like she'd been expecting me.

"Edward," she said curtly, quietly.

It had been a while since I'd heard her voice. Listening from a distance while she spoke to others didn't compare to direct communication. I nodded at her and bowed my head a bit. The pink on her cheeks intensified as the silence between us grew on. A horn blaring close by startled her and her whole body jerked. I chuckled and she snapped her eyes back up.

"I thought you were gone until tomorrow…" she trailed off.

"I came back early." I always came back early, she should have known that by now.

She nodded and smoothed hair back from her face. There were a thousand things moving in her eyes, a million questions dancing on her lips, but she said nothing. I wondered if this was awkward for her, I couldn't tell, but judging by the way she was moving her legs slowly back and forth, I determined she was uncomfortable.

She swallowed. "Would you like to go to lunch with me?"

"Of course," I answered.

* * *

**Thank you to everyone who read and will continue to read.**

**Don't forget to review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Maybe I didn't do a good enough job of explaining it in the previous chapter, but Edward and Bella _do_ know each other. They have been together for three years--not as a couple--as Edward send in his lamenting in his penthouse.**

**Thank you everyone who reviewed. Your words of wisdom and praise are what make me post my silly words.**

* * *

_April_

---

Edward

---

Bella and I walked slowly towards a small diner across from the coffee shop. She measured her steps carefully on the slick pavement and gripped her umbrella tighter than necessary. I spoke not one word the entire time.

She threw me stray side glances every now and again, most likely looking at the change of my eye color. Her curiosity was constantly battling her promise of privacy.

"I reserved some books for you," she said quietly as we entered the small diner. An elderly couple across from us glanced at me briefly. I had learned that children and humans, roughly around seventy five and older, depending on the person in question, were much more observant.

"Philosophy?" I asked.

"Just some Camus, I found it in the back with political science."

"Ah, no wonder you never knew it was there," I teased.

She straightened her shoulders. "Some people just like books in general. Regardless of the genre, books are books."

"Hmm, and what about science fiction?"

Her nose wrinkled and she pulled her menu up to cover her face. She quickly decided the Cesar salad looked good enough and that since it was raining soup was a necessity. I declined my order when the waitress asked.

The rain picked up again from the brief pause that had lasted about ten minutes. Limbs on the trees close by bent and groaned audibly—to my ears—before springing up at the intervals of showers. My wet hair had managed to create a sizable puddle on the plastic of my seat and I wiped it quickly with the napkin covering the silverware.

"You should order something," Bella said while popping a cucumber in her mouth. Her brown eyes were wide and the chill from outside still lingered on her cheeks.

"It would only be wasted," I answered dismissively.

She nodded, accepting my lack of words as they were—a change of subject. "Where did you go this weekend?"

"Oregon, there was a preserve I haven't been to in a while."

"Did you enjoy the wolves?"

I shook my head. "The bears were much nicer this time of year."

She gaped at me for a moment, most likely trying to picture the hunt in her head. She straightened her expression and smoothed it out but I could tell her curiosity was once again getting in the way of her obligatory distance.

"Were they… rowdy?" she asked. "From hibernation?"

"Quite," I answered curtly.

She processed that for a moment. "Why did you come back early?"

"Don't I always?"

"It's only been three days. Usually you're gone a week or longer. Was the weather bad up there, is that why?"

_I couldn't get your face out of my mind. The way it drives that primal beast to utter destruction and want. _"The torrential wind scared most of the animals into hiding. Herbivores aren't really that much of a thrill."

She dipped a piece of lettuce in some dressing and quickly put it in her mouth. "I would imagine."

"Have there been any occurrences in the time since I've been gone?" I asked.

"No, not at all," she answered. I waited patiently for the truth to spill from her lips. She looked up and her brow furrowed before her face turned red. "Jessica's party is this weekend."

"And you intend to go, of course," I stated.

"I—I don't know," she mumbled.

"You gave your word, did you not?"

"I did… but…" she breathed in deeply. "Since… since Lauren died—" she glanced up quickly and then looked back to her plate "—Jessica and I haven't really been too close."

"It was three years ago," I responded quietly.

She nodded and pushed her plate aside. Her brow furrowed and I could see her irritation was starting to make an appearance. I raised a finger for the waitress and pulled a twenty for the meal. Bella stayed stick still until the girl left, and then stood up to leave. Her yellow umbrella sat forgotten on her seat and I grabbed it quickly.

When I caught up with her she was still under the extended roof of the diner, looking put down when I raised the umbrella over her head and tapped her upper back lightly to continue walking. Her hands were shaking as she took the umbrella back.

When we arrived back at the book store she stood quietly outside the door while closing her umbrella again.

"I'd like to see you tonight," I murmured quietly.

Her eyes shot up and her expression was blank. "I'm not so sure."

"I am," her eyes widened, undoubtedly seeing the coal black that had devoured my irises. "You can decide on your own."

I turned and walked away.

---

Bella

---

"How are things in the city?" my mother, Renee asked. Her voice was giddy and high pitched. I heard laughing in the background as she finished her babbling.

I had tuned out for most of the conversation involving the chatter about the beautiful sunshine and how she had found a whale on the beach. I felt both longing and jealousy towards her carefree lifestyle. It seemed as though if I ever had that choice it was taken out from under me.

"Bella?"

"Hmm? Oh, the city is fine." It was only half a mile from the town of Forks; I just couldn't wrap my head around being out, big and bad, in the city seriously.

"Have you gone to visit your father yet? And school, tell me about school!" she sighed over the phone, no doubt imaging her days in college.

"I've visited Charlie every now and then," I said as I flipped over a twentieth century history book and piled it on the corner of my desk. "School is fine; I just finished a term paper."

Two young boys near the back of the store were standing close to the wall where they were huddled together. I wasn't surprised, they looked like high school students and they just so happened to be near the erotica. I rolled my eyes and focused on the two thick books in my hand, philosophy and poetry.

Renee began telling me about how she always blew term papers off for crazy parties she got dragged to. Then after realizing that she was my mother she immediately told me not to slack off.

"You've got a fantastic scholarship." My stomach dropped out. "You've got your dream job in a cute little book store." I swallowed thickly. "And you managed to get a beautiful apartment for dirt cheap!"

"I think I have to go, mom," I whispered.

"Oh, I'll talk to you later then."

I nodded even though she couldn't see and dropped the phone onto the receiver. If she knew that I hadn't earned anything that I had now she would be thoroughly disappointed in me. My fingers rubbed absently at my eyebrow as I stared at a book, looking at the letters on the front but not really understanding what they said. The guilt was burrowing its way inside my mind and filtering through my senses.

A loud bang drew my eyes toward the back again to the two boys. They were giggling and one looked toward the front. When he saw me watching he punched his friend.

"Dude!" he hissed.

They skirted to another row of books where I couldn't see them. I went back to checking books and once the new arrivals were stacked in their proper categories I took out the pricing gun.

The dim lighting in the store was relaxing and I switched on the radio to block out the sound of the rain hitting the roof. My fingers tapping drowned out the radio, and I became irrationally irritated. In my defense, my lunch with Edward still left a sharp pang in my stomach that wasn't sitting well.

The very thought of that man, of what he was and what he stood for, just made me anxious. My hands began to shake so I tucked them in the crooks of my elbows. How could I stop the awful twisting in my gut when in three hours I had to make a decision of going to him or defying him?

I jumped out of my seat when the loud screaming cry of the fire alarm went off and my eyes shot over to where it was located in the wall. No sooner that I spotted it did I see the two boys shoot off from the back, laughing and yelling while darting towards the door.

The sprinklers in the ceiling went off in the front and in the back, avoiding the books in the middle. Never was I so happy that the store didn't meet up to fire code. I jumped up from my seat and tried to make it around the desk before they could get away. My heel caught on a wire to the computer and I fell forward, a high pitched sound leaving my throat as my knee rubbed against the rough carpeting.

I scrambled to my feet and stopped cold in my tracks when I looked at the door. The two boys had stopped, and I'd only just noticed that they were dressed in black like a couple of robbers. One even had a ski cap on while the other had leather gloves on. The light blue ink on them meant that he was the one who pulled the alarm.

The fact that they were dressed like they had been ready to rob me wasn't what scared me, though. At that moment the two boys and I had a mutual fear and it was about six foot three with coal black eyes.

Edward, looming and terrifying, was standing in their path. The two boys were stuck looking up at him, faces struck in horror. One tried to dart around into the road but before he could make it two steps Edward grabbed his arm and pushed him back against the wall of the building. The other boy made to punch Edward and he grabbed his fist easily. Suddenly it was like I watching _Of Mice and Men_ and I was running towards the door just as the boy screamed out, thrashing his arm to escape Edward's vice grip.

Visions flashed across my mind, the sound of a stalling car, my feet smacking against pavement as I ran across a nearly vacant parking lot, the snapping pop of the engine exploding into a thousand flames….

"No!" I screamed. "Edward, don't!"

His eyes snapped to mine, but his body didn't move. I shoved the door open and grabbed onto his bicep, tugging fruitlessly while the two boys were yelling and screaming for him to let go.

"These little _shits_ were planning something _much_ worse," he hissed. My eyes went wide and my legs began to shake at the anger in his voice.

"Don't, please don't," I pleaded. "They're just kids. Please don't hurt them, please, God please Edward!"

The two boys screamed out louder and I barely noticed the way his forearms tensed and subsequently harmed them. The pain in my eyes crystallized as tears and I tried to push him away. But just like every other time, I had no pull on him, he controlled everything. No matter how much I wanted something, no matter how hard I tried, he was the master, the possessor.

"No!" I whaled. "Don't! Please don't! I can't take this again!"

Miraculously, Edward's hands dropped. He had them by his sides so quickly that the boys still had their arms up and screaming before they realized he was finished. Seconds later the sounds of fire engines rounded the corner.

Firemen swarmed around like flies. They took in my distraught and shaking form and asked if I was hurt. Edward seemed to take care of everything, handing over the boys to a near by police officer.

"Miss," a fireman asked. My hearing hallowed out and I had tunnel vision as he waved a hand in front my face. Edward bristled. "Is everything alright?"

_No, everything is not alright. Everything is… not alright._ "Yes."

* * *

**A/N: I don't like PoV splitting and this will be the one and only time that will happen. PoVs will alternate but there will be no repitition.**

**Questions, comments and concerns are always welcome and I'll give you all the info you need to pull this together. I know it's unclear right now but we're starting forward and more information will be released as the chapters go on.**

**Don't forget to review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thanks to everyone for your words of kindness. :)**

* * *

_April_

---

Edward

---

Bella wouldn't look at me. She stared off in the distance like a deer caught in the head lights. Even when firemen swarmed around her she kept completely still, quiet and frightened as she looked on.

The owner came by ten minutes into the soirée and immediately ran to the store. She was screaming and running down the isles, checking the relatively dry books but going off on a tangent when she discovered the new boxes in the back of the store, uncovered and sopping wet.

The woman came out red faced and began to make a scene when a fireman told her that fire code was being broken and there was a heavy fine for it.

My jaw clenched as tight as my fists when the woman turned to Bella. I had never seen her look so… small. In her sun dress she was perched on the edge of the curb, watching the raindrops fall into puddles. Her dress was wet, dripping to the cement and her shoulders were hunched.

When I had first met Bella's boss and formerly introduced her as a compelling employee, I made it abundantly clear that any book store would be lucky to have her. I also hinted that if she were mistreated in any way, I would kill her. Perhaps I hadn't seen this coming because Sue Clearwater was an old friend of her fathers, or because I thought I had scared her straight, but either way, I was itching to crack her skull open.

"Bella!" Sue screamed. Bella turned meekly towards her, seeming to know the flames that were ready to erupt. "How could you let this happen?"

"I didn't think it would," she said quietly.

"How could not notice those two? They're dressed like—like hoodlums! You should have been keeping an eye on them!"

My eyes darted to the boys across from us. They were standing outside of a police car getting information taken. At the sound of Sue's voice, one with light brown hair turned his eyes towards Bella; his thoughts, perverse and disgusting, more disgusting than any fourteen-year-old should know. When he saw Bella, his mind went to depraved acts he wanted to do. He had seen his sister and her boyfriend doing things in her room and his curiosity had driven him to fumbling in a dark room with a girl he thought looked like Bella. His friend had pulled the fire alarm before he considered using the pocket knife he had been gripping.

There was a steady rumble in my chest and Bella glanced up at me. Her momentary break from Sue caused a whole new bout of insanity to rise from her lips.

I stepped forward, unbelievably angered by the thoughts swirling around me. Between the terrified boys, and the one who was still glancing towards Bella, the chaotic mass of accusatory thoughts in Sue, and the bewilderment of the bystanders who stood by, gawking at the scene I was bristling.

"Enough," I growled.

Sue took a step back and her rambling ceased. Bella took a small step forward and her fingers grasped gently—from what I could tell—at my shirt. Her wide eyes were a beacon in my peripheral, pleading with me not to just… just _lose it._

The fireman who had been running the scene wandered over, and upon seeing the shocked faces of Bella and Sue, and my livid expression, quietly acquiesced to my earlier demands of leaving.

I grabbed Bella's umbrella and her small bag before dragging her away from the irritating crowd. My shoulders were tensed like I was ready for a fight and my eyes were narrowed and undisturbed as I stopped breathing all together. Somewhere near a market I let go of Bella and listened for her footsteps behind me as she followed.

I had, at one point, considered giving her a choice in whether or not she would come over to my penthouse tonight, but that had long since passed. She seemed to know where I was headed, her heart rate doubled as we passed a park and the rain picked up. My body was rigid and I pulled Bella in front of me.

The sight of her legs moving as the wet material of her dressed wrapped around them had me hypnotized. I followed her small feet to her dainty legs and up a fine trail of her calf muscle and I watched in mute fascination as her behind, shaped most deliciously like a peach, moved with each tentative step that she took.

For every step she took her heart beat twice and the closer we were to our destination the more intense her pulse was. The vein in her neck was undulating with each breath, each exertion of life that seeped from her. A block from my penthouse I undid my belt and had half a mind to relieve myself as we walked. Because my patience was exceptional as everything else about me, I resisted the urge.

The front desk clerk looked at me as I entered. Her eyes shot to my crotch and before thoughts of lust could even make their way to her mind, she snapped her eyes to mine in fear. She looked at Bella quickly, but her eyes were on the elevator doors that had just opened.

_What the hell do they do up there? This is probably something so illegal… maybe I should call the cops…._

I turned my eyes to her and lowered my brow. She quickly recalculated those thoughts without help from my angry gaze. Brief thoughts of drug paraphernalia entered her mind and she quickly thought about the consequences of being caught.

Bella entered the elevator quickly, shoulders shaking, but I could _smell_ the secretions of her body.

I had known this girl for a long time, since she was an adolescent living in her fathers cramped home. The beginning of our relationship was complicated, a bit terrifying for her. Oh hell, who would I be fooling? She was scared of me, which was the angle I played at to get what I wanted.

I would be the essential selfish creature that's cocky and confident. The kind women pine over and cry over. Too bad I'd never pay them any mind. It's only manipulation.

I reached my hand up the skirt of her dress and ripped the panties without a thought. She wouldn't need them for quite some time.

"What have I told you?" I murmured darkly.

"I didn't think you'd be here today. I wouldn't have done that otherwise," she said while gesturing lightly to my right hand where the matching yellow panties hung from my knuckle. Always the obedient little girl.

The elevator doors open and she stepped out, walking down the hall to my grey and burgundy door. I pointed my head towards the mat and she bent over to pick it up. I mindlessly moved behind her and stroked her hips. So wonderfully petite.

Managing to open the lock, she moved slowly inside. She looked up at me with large brown eyes, impossibly innocent, with her cheeks flushed and her breathing labored. Bella's eyes moved to the large white piano that dominated the useless dining room. The cover was up and the books on the bench had been moved to the floor.

She looked back hopefully. "You missed me?"

"Of course I did," I answered. "Go to my room and be ready for me."

Her mood lighter, she nodded and sprinted toward the bedroom. I had been prepared to be savage and relentless, but things didn't seem to be going the way I had expected them today. I managed to sweep up all the books littered about and stack them inside the china cabinet before I walked down the hall to the master bedroom. I would organize them when Bella passed out from exhaustion.

Pictures guided me down my path. I looked at a compilation of school photographs of not only myself, but Bella as well. Further down was an older picture of me and my sire. It had been taken by the English Chanel, small boats and ferries lined the water with women sticking out white handkerchiefs to wave off family as they cruised across.

I didn't notice I'd stopped to stare at the picture and study the crude tint of the photograph until I heard a sigh from behind me.

Quickly, I turned and found Bella standing close by. She jumped at my sudden movement, still not used to the speed after all these years. Her eyes flickered to the portrait for a brief moment before coming back to my eyes.

"Was there no luck in finding him?" she asked quietly.

"None whatsoever," I answered curtly.

She nodded politely and turned back to the room. I grabbed her wrist, spinning her back to me. My cat and mouse emotions, as she referred to them, were frustrating her as she furrowed her brow and willingly stepped closer.

"Are you mad at me?" she asked, confused.

Now my brow furrowed. "What? No, why would you think that?"

"Before, at the book store you were upset and… looking at me like you wanted to, um, hit me?" She shrugged and looked at the floor.

"I'd never hit you," I snapped. "Have I ever physically harmed you—" I snapped my mouth closed. She didn't look up but her eyes closed. I immediately wanted to smash my skull into the wall behind me.

There had been occasions where I didn't ascertain a situation and ended up… bruising or marking her. There had been times where I had done fairly more damage, but she never spoke of those, always brushing them off and I had no idea why.

"I know you wouldn't hurt me," she said quietly as her hand slipped into mine. Her palm was clammy. "Sometimes your temper is just unnerving and it's like I get a jolt in my spine that tells me to brace myself."

I sighed. "That's you adrenaline. I'm a feral beast remember?" I joked. She frowned at me incredulously. "Your body is protecting you, your basic instincts are in full function."

Her free hand tugged at the hem of her dress. Bella stepped forward and pressed the length of her body against mine, and tried to pull me through the doorway where she'd come from. All too eager, I followed after her and watched as she let go of my hand to crawl across the bed.

"I'm ready," she breathed while on her hands and knees.

"Such obedience," I murmured. I slipped my belt off and double folded it, then flipped her skirt up. Bare pink flesh welcomed my greedy eyes. Her pale ass was on display for me, clear fluid lines making a painfully slow decent on her thighs. "Somehow," I murmured distractedly. "You always know what I need."

My belt dropped to the floor and I lowered the fly of my pants. I palmed my cock and watched the way her cunt was just pulsing for my touch. The whole time Bella watched me curiously. Those Goddamn innocent eyes of hers gazed at me like she was seeing me for the first time. She looked on as if this was under different circumstances; maybe in her mind we were lovers who weren't so terribly different. I met her eyes and she looked away quickly and rested her forehead on her arms.

With the reverence of a man taking a woman's virginity I sunk into her. I closed my eyes to enjoy the best part. Completely still, I rested on my knees and listened to the gasping cries of the girl beneath me.

_Intensity_ is the only word to describe the union of a human and a vampire.

Human's muscles and tissues were over sensitive and amazingly receptive. It was taboo for what we were doing, and if anyone caught wind she would be killed and I would be kept confined in a windowless room, starved, beaten and when I wasn't worth anything, killed.

Without having to move my hips, Bella began to scream and thrash her body about. I counted one orgasm and another on the way as I began to move. I wasted no time slamming into her. I was careful with the placement of my fingers on her hips. She came again, this time smothering the noise in the comforter. I grabbed her hair in the midst of her screaming and at once the vocal accompaniment to my movement sang through the room.

"Keep that head up and that mouth open or else I'll have to wash it out with something," I grunted.

"Yes… yeah, more, more, harder," she panted.

My hips picked up pace and I could feel my sac slapping against her skin. She heard the quiet noise intensify and boldly reached her little hand down to it. She careful moved about, not touching where I was pounding in and out, but carefully smoothing her fingers down the inside of my thigh, on my sac, over her own slick flesh. She briefly rubbed her clit but as she started panting and crying out through her orgasms more frequently I pulled her hand away and pinned her wrist behind her back.

"No need to rush… you can cum all night long," I gritted out and threw my head back at the position of submission that she was in. "Fucking tell me what you felt."

"My—my…" she stopped short with a bursting scream as her orgasm hit, but I stopped my thrusts midway in and she didn't finish it. "No!"

"Say it!"

"My flesh—my flesh was crying for you!" she whimpered desperately.

I was stunned momentarily. She said strange things in bed some times, but not without reason. Perhaps I was used to the dirty talking that always pierced through my thoughts, but each time a new level of excitement and curiosity hit me.

Bella began to impale herself on my cock. She rocked back and forth with restraint because of my hand in her hair and the other on her right wrist. I shook my head and grinned tightly as I felt my stomach drop and began to pick up pace.

When I heard Bella's breath becoming shallower than before and felt her body become overheated I let myself go. The grand finale, the orgasm of all orgasms hit her. I was occupied shuddering and trying not to bit into her shoulder blade as my orgasm continued to pull and pull for a minute and a half, and by the time I came down, Bella was still whimpering into the bed spread.

Vampire semen to a human was an aphrodisiac, a constant stimulant that with patience and practice could be used to create the greatest sexual experience. That was only amplified by the fact that room was silent save for heavy breathing.

Bella collapsed forward onto her stomach, and was out in seconds. I slumped through to the living room, feeling like a thousand pounds too heavy. I vaguely remembered calling Bella's employer and explaining that she wouldn't be able to make it tomorrow.

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**A/N: If you've ever read _The Daemonica Series_ by Larissa Ione you'll know that the Seminus guys can give multiple orgasms. If you haven't, go get those damn books. _Pleasure Unbound, Desire Unchained, Passion Unleashed_. I'm serious, you will _not_ regret it. Keep in mind they're highly mature.**

**It may seem like mindless, mapless sex, but the Vampire, Human connection is a large detail to remember.**

**Don't forget to review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: So I guess my Edward in this story qualifies as a Darkward. I like to think of him as a confused vampire with a lack of morals. Thanks to the reviewers who let me know. I'd be lost without you :)**

**I'd like to put something to rest right now, though. Edward has never had relationship with a human other than Bella. So what happened with Lauren does not have anything to do with a sexual or any kind of relationship with Edward. I probably should be withholding that information, but let's just say she got caught in the cross fire.**

**Sorry for the mutliple posts for this on. :-/**

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_May_

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Bella

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My legs were sore and stiff, vaguely scratchy at the knees and my scalp hurt just as much. Somewhere in my mind I remembered it was the first of the month and I think I mumbled _rabbit, rabbit._

Almost immediately after my groggy mumble I heard the sounds of _Peter Cottontail_ playing through the room. I smiled sleepily and popped my shoulder and then my back before I managed to roll from bed. I pulled my wrinkled sun dress back on. The rain was too much to handle and I desperately needed some spring pick-me-up. Now I would forever remember this dress for something different, but most definitely a pick-me-up.

_Or throw-me-down_.

I blushed at my own inner comment and stumbled through the barely lit apartment house until I was at the source of my childhood song. I sighed audibly as I saw Edward at his piano, his fingers were flying over the keys and almost instantly the childish song was transformed into a slow melancholy of sensual notes that I would have never related to a bunny trail but my own. I blushed yet again at my perverted thoughts.

"It's a bit late for words of good luck," Edward said. "I believe your first words this morning were 'I'm cumming again'. But I won't tell if you don't."

I sucked in a breath and fell onto the piano bench, too tired to stand. "Yours were much worse."

"Or better, it seems as though my month with be will filled with 'fucks' and 'cummings' maybe even some spanking since you seemed to have loved that." My mouth fell open and he took one hand off the piano to close it. "Unless you'd like flies in your mouth, I suggest keeping it closed. Though some flies would be more than acceptable."

Both of our eyes darted to his crotch where I'd just noticed his plain white boxer shorts were straining. The fabric did nothing to contain the being inside it and I could see part of the shaft sticking up. My body shook and my brain told me to have it.

"I need to use the bathroom," I squeaked.

Quickly leaving the piano room, I ran to the master bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. My hair wasn't in tangles and smelled like Edward. Something in my stomach fluttered when I realized he had probably been combing his fingers through it. My grin was large and after using the toilet I decided to take a shower.

I was deeply upset when Edward didn't come to join in with me, but that was irrational. I couldn't expect anything from him; it was the dynamic of our relationship. My loose grin vanished at that. Maybe it was because after three years of never being apart from his side I had hoped that some form of attachment would grow on his side. That just wasn't the case, though.

From the moment I met him he was the master. He controlled everything, and while I knew those were the underlying messages of an abusive relationship, we didn't have that. There was no relationship other than a predatory need on his part and something that would never get justification on mine.

I walked into the living after my shower, still wearing my sun dress, and Edward was at the table with a book and a plate of breakfast for me to the left of him.

I sat and licked my lips. For someone who didn't cook he sure knew how to make delicious meals that could be straight from a culinary genius. I dug into the generous amount of food and smiled as the first piece of bacon hit my tongue.

"I called your boss," Edward said, never taking his eyes from the book. "You're excused from work today."

"What?" I asked astonished. "No, I need to work; I can't just take the day off, not after yesterday."

"The store will be closed for some time; in the meantime you'll be here with me. I've not had my fill yet and once you're done I expect that dress to be gone until you step through that door."

He finally lifted his head and meeting my eyes he gave me a pointed look. Everything below my waist ached in disagreement. My thighs were clenching together, testing out the muscle soreness and I felt my face drop. Pushing the plate away I swallowed thickly and worked up my courage.

I rarely—if that—refused Edward. There had been times in the past, times that haunted me and starred in my worst nightmares, that I didn't follow what Edward said, or didn't do as he'd instructed. The consequences of my actions reached a peak unparalleled to any thought of punishment or threat. I shivered away from that image and tried to stick with my confidence.

"I can't," I said quietly.

His expression remained neutral and I could see the glaringly obvious question in his eyes. Would I really disagree with him? I sucked in a sharp breath.

"And why not?" he asked unnecessarily.

"Well, my muscles are still sore… I just don't—"

"You look panicked," he interrupted.

"I'm not," I quickly lied. His eyebrow twitched and I knew he was keeping an incredulous look off his face. "Really, I'm not, Edward."

"If you're in pain I understand. Six hours of nonstop sex _should_ leave you aching." He reclined in his chair. "Otherwise I would be doing something wrong."

I gaped at him. Maybe the few days he had been gone changed him. He picked up my plate and dumped the remainders into the trash, placing the dish into the sink and then… held his hand out for me. I stood and walked to him, happily helpless.

Edward was polite, very gentlemanly at times and the opposite at others. I was not immune to his charms or the power of his eyes; I was helpless like every other girl he glanced at. He found me special, though. Had I not had a closed off and secure mind he wouldn't have spared me a second glance. And that night three years ago would have been my last.

Edward walked us to the master bedroom and pulled off my dress. Removing his clothing, Edward climbed in beside me. Then, he did something he hadn't done in years.

My back touched his cold chest and one freezing hand pressed between my thighs to soothe away the pain. I choked back the swell of emotion, because I had been let down one too many times.

--

_Dark skies crowned my vision as I walked out of Forks High School. I could see the beginning of a full moon that was hidden behind a cloud, but as it moved aside I saw the full round orb light up the area around me._

_In two weeks when I turned sixteen I would be getting my license as soon as possible. Charlie had a car for me that had been taunting and mocking me with its promises of an easy journey somewhere. I got practice from driver's ed. and going to the grocery store on the weekends._

_My walk home was quiet, oddly so since it was a Friday night and a full moon. As soon as I crossed the street from the school something zinged through my spine, telling me to get home. I ignored it, though. I usually got a nervous feeling when walking home alone._

_I was thinking about my first semester project. Sophomore year of high school was going better than I thought it would be. I had become fast friends with three girls who I used to go to day care with when I was a little kid. After moving here from Florida I was nervous about finding a new crowd to run with._

_Angela and Lauren had been surprisingly accepting of me. Lauren wasn't the drama queen I remembered back in the sandbox, she had a strong personality but I couldn't blame her for that. Angela made me feel comfortable, even with the spotlight set on high everywhere I went. It was like they'd never seen a new kid before._

_I thought about the way Jessica looked at me today at lunch and cringed. Catty girls weren't my thing, but her long time crush on the Sporting Goods Prince, Mike Newton, made her feel territorial when he spoke to any girl. As my science partner we had polite conversation in lunch, but Jessica was constantly supervising._

_I chuckled to myself as I thought about her conversation diverters._

_I was half way home, near tall boulder and rock structures that obscured the light of the moon. I could hear the highway in the distance and the sound of dear running through the woods beside me._

_As I grew closer to the darkened crevices of the mountainside boulders, I couldn't shake the zing that was back in my spine. I looked behind me quickly and then around me. My heart rate doubled and I _knew _I wasn't alone. As that thought ran through my mind, the figure I knew was close by stepped out from the dark shadows._

_I was paralyzed with fear. The figure stepped closer and closer until he was a few yards away from me. _

_I could distinguish from the broad shoulders, long legs and the outlined shadow of a taught jaw that the figure was a male. I didn't move from my spot, frozen with fear. The man in front of me mimicked my unmoving body. His eyes, though shaded by the rocks, were wide and scrutinizing._

_Those eyes…._

_I looked at them, locked and unable to turn away. Everything around me erupted into flames and no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't break away. I screamed in frustration and he smiled at me, menacing and mocking._

_--_

I sprung up in bed, panting and sweating. There was a scream bubbling up and I choked on it and sputtered into a coughing fit. A palm came down between my shoulder blades and I sighed as the burning dissipated.

My arms were shaking as the last of my dream seeped into my memory. The burning bright flames licked at my skin like they were there in the room. Edward's cold palm rubbed up and down my spine and I felt bitterly happy that he was guilty.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he murmured.

I shrugged away from his hand and numbly walked to the bathroom. I hadn't noticed before that I was crying. I hoped Edward felt just as guilty as I did. My anger and crippling regret made my chest ache and I sobbed loudly.

I heard a noise against the door and knew Edward was there, waiting. I had to calm down, there was no need to get angry and blow up, especially at him. I could take out my anger when I wasn't in the company of Edward.

I opened the door to see him sitting by the wall, elbows up on his knees and fingers tugging at the roots of his hair.

"I'd like to go home," I said.

He didn't argue, just stood up to hand me my dress and pull on pants and a shirt. We were silent as we exited the penthouse and stepped into the elevator. The woman at the front desk looked at me, most likely scrutinizing my red eyes.

Edward moved towards the parking lot and I spotted his car in the far corner. We entered the car in perfect silence, the air thick with tension.

Pulling up to the small apartment that I was renting, I exited the car before he could say something that would make the tears pooling in my eyes spill over. I jogged to the door without looking back, and for the first time, thinking about what I had worked so hard to ignore

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**A/N: Reviews are cherished.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: This is my second favorite chapter of this story. Something about angst and Edward.**

**Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed, your words keep me writing.**

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May

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Edward

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A week had passed since Bella stormed from my penthouse. The sight of her stumbling into her apartment building was burned into my memory and played over and over again until crushing frustration forced me tp lash out. She had been running from _me_.

In the time she was gone I had been unproductive to say the least. I wasn't one to wallow around in my guilt and misery, but I felt utterly helpless.

The piano held no reserve for the peace I once felt, the books were just pages filled with ink and the electronics that sat around were useless and tiresome. I'd taken to sitting on the couch or the bed and staring off into space. It wasn't because I found it interesting, but because stillness for my kind was natural and I could easily pass hours without noticing. I'd recite poetry or sing songs and before I knew it the morning would turn to night.

It was in those times that I wished I could sleep. The peacefulness and ease in which humans could slip off to another world made me green with envy.

I sighed aloud in the solitude of my living room but was brought out of my catatonic state. I cursed under my breath and whacked a book off my thigh and into the wall of the kitchen. There was a quarter sized hole when the top of the spine cracked into it. I glared at the hole. I'd have to hire a contractor to fix it before the landlord could see. Wonderful, a greasy human would infiltrate the scent of Bella.

I snarled again at the thought of her.

My anger was growing once more, I hadn't watched her walk from home to work all week and it felt as if I was on withdrawal. I'd thought to call her on more than one occasion, but seeing as how she was the one who left, I found that her resolve would break soon enough. Her hold on me was equal to the hold I had on her.

That's not to say I didn't think about her. Three years with a human, even if it was a tiny piece of eternity, had some impacting effect. Vampires were not ones for attachments or emotions, and I was no exception.

I had denied it, but the possession she had over me was becoming worrisome. I'd come across her with the intention to drain and kill, just like a thousand times before. I should have killed her; I should have disposed of the body and moved on to the next town. Instead I kept her around and played with her like a pet. Now, I was being punished with… human emotions and clinginess that I didn't think she understood.

My hand twisted around something and I crushed it without a care. The physical destruction didn't help the turmoil that was lashing about on the inside.

In the past I had convinced myself that seeing her would make separation easier, and that I only wanted her for what she represented: humanity, warmth, ignorance, something to keep my attention.

How foolish I had been.

I couldn't take the wallowing anymore. Even my subconscious was playing tricks with me. It was out of the question to have _any_ form of attachment to a human, even a superficial one such as sex.

I grabbed my jacket off the hook by the door and stomped impatiently through the hall to the elevator. Did it mean I was giving in? No. It simply meant that I tired of being isolated. I wasn't leaving for the sole reason of seeing Bella, I would hunt as well.

As soon as I hit the sign telling me I had left the city limits, I parked on the shoulder and took off into the woods.

The thrill of running shot up my spine and I could imagine an adrenaline rush would feel like this. The exhilarating rush kicked up my instinctual senses and I honed in on every sound. Heartbeats fluttered around me and I cracked a tree in half.

Deer began to flee; larger animals came out to inspect the noise. I gave chase to a large buck that was herding others to a safer place. I ran after it and watched its every move. When it began to slow I grabbed onto the antlers and snapped the neck instantly. The blood tasted even sweater from the exertion of the animal.

In the distance I heard the sound of large paws smacking against the wet earth and grinned in triumph. I ran to the bear and stopped ten feet away, watching as it registered that I was there. The beast gave a loud cry and lunged at me.

In the cave behind it, another bear came out, this time a female. Two cubs stood by foliage to watch but not close enough to get harmed.

The male swiped at my shirt and cut off a sleeve before it jumped and tried to pin me to the ground. I flipped the beast onto his back and while he distractedly wriggled to stand, the female came after me. She fell atop the male as I moved and his claws serrated her.

The female cried in agony and her blind fury became directed at me. I smiled at the creature, I decided then that I'd let one of them live with minimal damage. The cubs on the side squealed as I caught the mother by her throat and slammed her to the ground. The male flew at me from a blind spot in my vision and I was caught off guard.

Crashing into the trees, I pulled myself back up and decided that the male would die. I knocked the female down again so she wouldn't disturb me while I fed.

My teeth sunk into the male's throat and he was stunned into submission. The venom sizzled in his blood and sloshed down my throat as I greedily drank. The carcass hung limply in my grip as I finished it off.

The female whined as she got up. Her large wild eyes were set on mine as I wiped her mate's blood from my lips. Her brown eyes pleaded with me, but they wanted to kill. Her cubs were keening and I instantly knew what she was pleading for.

My jaw clenched and I turned away from her. I'd had my fill; there was no need to further indulge myself in the ways of a monster. Three years ago I would have slaughtered the three of them even if I wasn't hungry. But then again, three years ago I was feasting on robbers and rapists.

When I entered my car the smell of concentrated blood swirled around me. It had caked onto the front of my shirt and skin where the bear had clawed at me. I growled low in my chest, mainly because I had been hoping to find—

No, I'd go home and I'd stay home.

As I slammed my front door closed I fumed my way to the bathroom. Had I not just had an argument with myself on the premise of _why_ I had no attachments to a human? Was I really so possessed by a little one hundred and ten pound human that I couldn't go about daily life without wondering where she was?

I stripped and stepped into the shower, making the water go as hot as it could. Her smell was festering in here from when she'd last showered and I groaned aloud.

My hand wrapped around my aching cock and I stroked violently, but it wasn't the same. I preferred soft warm hands to hard heated ones. I could go out and easily find a human to sate my needs, and I should have done just that, but I'd thought about it a lot and never pulled through.

I'd had it and I jumped out of the shower to grab some clothing and leave once more. I had no loyalty to this human but guilt and I would _not_ allow her to rule over me.

A small coffee shop down the street from the one I usually waited at was full of young women who were looking for men. I walked in and immediately desperate thoughts invaded my mind. I looked around; trying to find the one that least annoyed me.

A quiet blonde in the back was looking through a newspaper with small cup of coffee close by. Her thoughts were calm enough as she read the stock reports and thought about how people were prospering in tough times. I walked over and turned my charm up.

"Is this seat taken?" I asked in a low voice, the one that made panties drop.

It didn't fail as she looked up and her eyes went wide. Her thoughts were mild compared to the ones around her. She nodded her head and moved her coffee aside as I sat. I gave her some pointed looks, because in all honesty I just wanted to get it over with.

That was not my usual enthusiasm for sex.

"Um, yeah," she mumbled.

"I'm Edward," I smiled. She told her name, something generic that I didn't particularly care about. I gave her a compliment on it and she melted.

It was too easy and much too boring. We made civil conversation and I gave her slight touches to the arm and situated my knee to touch hers. I didn't even remember what she'd replied but I kept new questions streaming from my mouth. Women loved to talk about themselves and she was no exception. She was hesitant but slowly became more comfortable.

She easily followed me home and I walked ahead of her some, my mission to take her home and fuck her. She grabbed onto my hand before we made it into the building and the girl at the front desk looked at me strangely. The Boho little girl always gave me knowing looks that were far too speculative for a human.

When I had the woman inside the elevator I pressed her against the wall and attacked her mouth. She tasted like stale coffee and milk but I held my breath. She got into the kiss, the scent of her arousal filled the small space and her thoughts were screaming for me to do something.

I subdued a growl at the words racing through her skull and carried her out of the elevator. Fuck and be done. I repeated it in my head until I was chanting it enough to block her out some.

As soon as I stepped into the apartment she was on me. Her hands were pressing into my cock that wasn't erect and she was undoing the zipper. I tried, honest to God I did, but the sight of the blonde girl on her knees just wasn't appealing.

She took my cock in her hands and upon seeing it was flaccid she became alarmed. If I wasn't so frustrated I would have been embarrassed.

Determined, she put me in her mouth and started to work me. I slowly got up but I wasn't pleased or satisfied. I thought about how Bella could fit me into her throat and the way her eyes sparkled when she looked up under her lashes.

I didn't realize I was imagining Bella in this girl's place until I moaned loudly and the girl took me from her mouth, whispering, "Yeah, baby, you like that?"

I gasped and took a step back from her. My cock was rigid and she looked up at me, startled. I sighed and tucked myself back in my pants.

"I'm sorry, I just can't." I shook my head. "I don't really like blondes."

She looked offended. "I can't believe you!" she yelled. "So you bring me here to have sex and you couldn't figure out before you humiliated me that you don't like blondes!"

"I'm sorry to have wasted your time," I said as apologetically as I could manage. I felt no remorse whatsoever, just frustration that I couldn't seem to find any peace in pleasure.

"Whatever." She turned and slammed the door closed as she left.

"Wonderful," I muttered.

Was it really the case that I could only have Bella please me? What would happen if she were gone? I would have one hell of a pitiful existence.

I decided to man up and grabbed my keys. I was going to see Bella and I was going to find my release one way or another.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Sorry for the delay, my writing time is cut in half because of college application essays.**_

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_May_

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Bella

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I didn't know why I was shocked. Edward left for weeks at a time without contact, it was in those times that I could think and properly clear my head, but now, now that I had been the one to leave, it wasn't the same.

I had been doing the right thing by leaving, but it didn't lessen the blow that he hadn't come to see me or apologize.

In the week since I'd left him I'd accomplished plenty. I paid off my car and was officially the owner, which cut my monthly costs down nearly a third. I worked everyday to make up for the incident with the sprinklers. Leah had been livid with me for a while, but she never said anything about it. I wondered what would possess her to keep her mouth shut about something that so obviously upset her.

Things were normal; I quickly acquired a routine which was simple: get up, shower, eat, go to work, lunch, and go home. In between each routine I would always think about Edward.

I always wondered where he was, what he was doing. I found myself playing out mundane fantasies of him reading or playing the piano. I thought about how he'd use the bathroom to shower, and then my cheeks would flush thinking about him naked. I wondered if he missed the contact of our embrace as much as I did.

At night when I was restless and wishing I could hear his voice, I would shut my eyes and try to replay everything he did to me. The feeling of my fingers were nothing compared to his and I usually ended the night with a halfhearted attempt at an orgasm.

There were times I wished Edward was human, there were too many to count, but recently I had thought about it more often. The way we were, there wasn't any actual ground for _what_ we were.

My thoughts tried to find a distinguishable moment where he could have put a name to our relationship. He had on several occasions introduced me as a friend and I had done the same when coming in contact with people I knew. A few months ago when a man came up and asked me out, Edward told him I was his girlfriend. It was the briefest moment that lasted not all of three seconds, but I dreamt about that moment in my best dreams.

The scary thing was, I shouldn't have had any form of want or connection to Edward. He had done terrible things, awful things, but he had also been good to me and given me anything I could have wanted or needed. Just… not the one thing I really wanted.

The door to the store chimed and swung open.

Edward strode in, looking angry and frustrated with something. I thought maybe his car had broken down, but he walked up to the front desk, grabbed me by the back of my head and crushed his lips to mine. The movement was so swift it stole the breath from my mouth.

I had half a mind to worry about the people in the store watching, but his tongue slipped into my mouth making my gums comfortably numb.

He released my head and let me breathe. While I caught my breath he seemed to scrutinize me, my expression, my body, I became self-conscious. He sighed loudly and smiled tightly at me.

"What was that?" I breathed.

"I've had a rough day," he answered tersely.

I looked around and noticed most of the people in the store looking at us. Edward turned his head to glare and they went back to their browsing. I stifled a smile.

"What happened to make you so upset?" I asked.

"Thinking too much… humans… stupid things." He waved his hand dismissively. "I came to apologize to you. I know how much the past bothers you and I'm not exactly the perfect person to go to for comfort."

I shook my head. "It's alright, I overreacted to a dream."

He frowned incredulously but didn't say anything else. Instead, he picked up the paper to my right and looked at the front page.

The headline read 'Another String of Violent, Unsolved Murders' as a continuation of last week's issue. Edward's eyes scanned quickly over the page. He sighed and tossed it into the trash.

"Is it…"

"Yes, and they're not good at hiding their tracks either." He ran his fingers through his hair and I was momentarily mesmerized. "They used to come here a lot; they start lower, in Oregon, and then sweep through to Canada. I wouldn't be surprised if they decided to come to the area. This is a pretty populated place with wilderness surrounding the buildings. It would be a good spot to grab someone and take off."

I shuddered. "When do you think they'll leave?"

"It's been three weeks, for hunting we can usually stay up to a month within the same region. Humans go out to look for a murderer and some like to play a game to lead them on. I think this is what they're doing now."

"Won't they catch your scent?"

"They might." He shrugged. "It's always a possibility that they could become curious. It's unlikely, though. Because of the season change, my kind travel through here to head north and embark for Alaska. The different scents are too distinct to track any one vampire without knowing their personal aroma."

"Hypothetically, if they did find you, would they try to fight you? They've been murdering humans and leading a homicidal trail for police."

"Hypothetically, again, it's a possibility. I'm much more worried about leaving you out in the open. Not only do you have a personal scent that's appealing to every sense, but you're also tagged with mine as well. If they came across you it's more than likely they would try to do something."

My eyes widened. "Do something?"

"It could range from kidnapping to biting. Some vampires who give over to instinct and live as nomads are feral and insane." He grabbed the newspaper from the trash and spun it towards me. "These strings all lead to more than one. It would be reckless and irresponsible of me to leave you be with these terrors running about."

"What are you suggesting?" I asked.

"I'd like for you to stay the weekend with me." He paused. "Please."

"I don't know, Edward," I mumbled. "I have work and…" And what? What else did I have going on that was unavoidable.

"I won't request anything from you; this is for the purpose of safety and protection." He looked so serious that I couldn't deny the truth of his words. His hard face cracked a bit as he lifted a corner of his mouth to smile. "That is, unless you'd like to pass the time in a more pleasurable way."

"Fine, I'll go, but no forcefulness. And—" I cut myself off and flushed.

"And what? Go on," he encouraged.

"And let me lead," I rushed. I wasn't sure he had heard me until a dark grin broke out on his face and he pulled my head back to his.

--

A day and a half later I was packing a bag for Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I threw in some jeans, panties, bras and a couple of t-shirts before I deemed myself ready and waited by the door for Edward.

I was both nervous and excited for this weekend. After the last time I was with him I hadn't been so sure that I would be able to go back, but the separation had been so painful that I was aching to be back in his arms. Even if it meant having to go at it with morning after pains.

I had never lead before either. In the three years I'd known Edward he had dictated everything we do, he was always the one in control because he had superb judgment and everything else. His cockiness bothered me greatly, but I chose to ignore it most of the time. I was the only one who could see past the beautiful and confident exterior and know that the inside held a scared boy.

A knock reverberated loud and clear through my tiny apartment and I eagerly opened the door to Edward's usually casual face. He looked a bit tense, though; slight worry lines were etched into his brow, so slight that even I had to do a double take.

Without a word, Edward grabbed my arm and pulled me along with him. He grabbed my key and locked the door with lighting fast speed. We were nearly sprinting down the hall at the rate he was pulling me at.

Once we were in the car he took off like a shot through back roads and in only minutes we were at his complex. The girl at the front desk flashed her eyes to Edward, scrutinizing him and then looked at me. When she caught my eye she waved. I tried to smile at her before Edward tucked me into the elevator.

"Do you know that girl?" I asked.

"Hmm? Oh, no I don't. She's here everyday, though," he said distractedly.

"Is there something wrong?" I whispered.

"When I came to pick you up I heard something." He closed his eyes to focus. "They were maybe a mile and half away, they found someone and were distracted enough not to notice me."

A shiver went down my spine and I breathed in deeply. The thought of vampires scared me since I'd met Edward. When he drank human blood his eyes would turn into the darkest shade of crimson and he seemed possessed after a hunt.

"This weekend," Edward said, interrupting my thoughts. "The windows must remain closed, I'll have to move my car in the underground parking, and the door must be closed at all times."

"We're essentially confined then," I stated flatly.

"Would you prefer to get killed?" he growled.

I flinched back into the elevator wall and tried not to cower away. Edward returned to his close eyed concentration and remained that way even as we walked to his door. Once inside he locked the door, as if that would keep a vampire out, and stood stone still.

I'd seen him like this before and knew it could be hours before he made a movement. I decided it would be best to take a nap before I was pushed to physical exhaustion.

But still, a bad feeling settled in my stomach and I couldn't displace it.

--

_He was watching me again._

_At the corner of my room, in the old rickety chair that my mother had once held me in, sat my worst nightmare manifested into one being. I was shaking but was too afraid to sleep with my back to him._

_He remained motionless. His eyes were shaded and if I didn't know better I would have thought he was sleeping. My tormentor did not sleep, though. He never spoke or ate; all he did was stare at me and watch. Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night and think it was all a dream, but he'd always chuckle and when I looked over he would be there._

_I had slept a total of six hours in the last week and a half. I swore, sometime when I awoke from a brief nap he was right there next to me, touching my skin or whispering things in my ear, but whenever I snapped my eyes open he was in the chair._

_I realized that he was playing a game with my head. He was never moving and everywhere I seemed to go or look he was there. I was skittish around Charlie at dinner knowing that for only those few hours that I spent with him this man was waiting for me._

_While my father was happy at my enthusiasm for watching _Sports Center_ with him, he was always looking at me warily out of the corner of his eyes. I felt like I should have said something to him. He was a police officer; he could stop this guy and arrest him. But I was afraid for my father. _

_Something about this man just wasn't… right._

_He never once tried to harm me or touch me; he was very quiet and observed me like an ameba under the microscope._

_The night I saw him by the boulders, I tried to run past him down the long road. He walked behind me the entire way. Whenever I picked up my pace he was still the same careful distance behind me._

_Tonight was different, though. I had slept in the living room on the couch while Charlie watched television. I woke hours later when he was shaking me awake telling me that he was called down to the station on an emergency._

_The false assurance of a parental figure was gone. I was left alone in the dark with a strange, scary man sitting in my old rickety rocking chair, and what was even more unusual was that he was moving himself back and forth._

_I sat up, breathing heavily and ready for him to leave me alone. "What do you want?" I screamed._

_He smiled at me and that smile turned into a malicious grin._

_"Isabella," he nearly whispered._

_I jumped up. This was the first time I'd heard him speak and I was startled at how nonthreatening it was. I expected a deep gravely voice with malice and aggression. Instead he had a warm voice that soothed my tense muscles and I felt like he did it on purpose to put my defenses down._

_"How do you know my name?" I trembled out._

_"I've been living in your home for nearly two weeks and you didn't think I'd be able to figure out your name?" he chuckled._

_"What do you want from me?" I snapped. "I don't have anything."_

_"You have plenty."_

_"Like what?"_

_"The sanctuary of a quiet mind, for one." He leaned forward and I could finally see his eyes. They were glowing bright red and locked onto my every movement. "I find you fascinating little human."_

_"Why me?" I asked desperately._

_He let out a loud laugh. "I haven't heard that line in so long. Today's kids usually go with, 'why are you doing this', 'how could you' and of course, my personal favorite, 'you won't get away with this'!"_

_"You've done this to others?" I asked, startled._

_"No, never before you," he answered cheekily. "I'd like to give you an apt warning right now. If you tell anyone about me, I'll kill them quickly and painfully."_

* * *

**A/N: Several questions have been asked about their past. It will all come out, some in flashbacks, some in the text or dialogue.**

**Don't forget to review!**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed. Your words make me write and "Writing is its own reward." -Henry Miller.**_

* * *

_

_May_

---

Bella

---

It must have been hours later when I awoke. There was streaming sun coming through the window with an orange tint to it and the clouds didn't make everything grey, but helped to further the beauty of the rays.

Something wet and cold was touching my neck and then soft lips gently tugged the skin there. I wiggled away so I wouldn't start laughing but an arm around my waist pulled me back.

"Six hours is more than enough time to sleep," Edward murmured against my skin.

"I wasn't done," I groaned.

"Don't even pretend, Bella," he growled. "I can smell it."

I gasped as his hands wrenched my pants forward and his fingers wasted no time finding my clit and rubbing at it. I bit my lip and threw my head back to stop from embarrassing myself.

"No," I whined. "I get to lead."

He pulled his hand from underneath my panties and sighed exasperatedly. On his back now, he licked off his fingers and spread his arms out at the side. His eyes told me to act, not just speak.

Timidly, I pulled my clothing off and tried not to look at him and I scooted back to awkwardly pull off my jeans. When a pant leg was caught on my foot I flushed, but he remained motionless.

I wasn't sure where I was… supposed to go. Sitting at his side seemed so impersonal, but I wasn't confident enough to force myself on him. And those eyes… how could I concentrate on anything when those butterscotch eyes were staring up me, slowly darkening as he waited patiently.

Standing up, I knelt in the front of the nightstand and pulled open the drawer full of toys and items he deemed 'necessary' to have available for sex. I grabbed two silk scarves that he had once used to tie my arms to the bed and climbed back to him. He cocked an eyebrow but I ignored it and wrapped one scarf twice around, and then the other.

"Can you see?" I asked.

"No, Bella."

"Good," I said proudly.

"Go back to the drawer," he instructed. "There's a small green box towards the back corner. You might want to use it."

I went back to the nightstand and dug through the drawer. Underneath some condoms and a long white box that I knew was specifically in there for me, was a little green box with gold lettering on it. I peeked under the lid curiously and then flung it off.

"What is it?" I asked confused.

"It's called a cock ring," he stated like it was obvious.

I flushed and dropped it onto the bed. Edward laughed at me and put his hands underneath his head, looking like the picture of ease while I was dying of embarrassment and being completely unprofessional and unsexy.

I pressed a button and it started to vibrate when I picked it up. I gasped and pressed it again to turn it off but it only grew stronger and started to pulse. I pushed at a red button on the side and it stopped completely.

_Why would he have something like this? I mean, unless he knew that I would…._

The rubber on the inside made it obvious that some form of lubrication was necessary. That part I could handle effectively.

I straddled Edward's legs on his the knees and ran my hands over his strong thighs. I hadn't paid enough attention before to notice that he was naked and I felt guilty for not worshipping it sooner. Maybe that was what made him so cocky all the time, knowing that every girl would fawn over his body without caring to know who he was.

I raised both hands and rubbed the insides of his thighs. His shaft was straining against his stomach and as I moved my fingers over his sac it stood even more so that it no longer touched his naval.

"Are you… making it do that?" I whispered.

"No," he groaned. "No, I fucking want you. Touch it, don't be shy."

I rarely had the opportunity to touch him like this. When we were intimate it was usually wild and foreplay only came from his part to prepare me since he could be hard at a moment's notice. The only time I'd had a chance to explore this part was when I took him in my mouth, and even then he controlled the movements.

This would be so pivotal in the nonexistence of our relationship. For once I'd be in control and I had to do well at it.

"It's… beautiful," I couldn't stop the amazement from leaking into my voice.

This part of him was what made him a man. This part brought me to my knees in pleasure and words that I could never think to say out loud through my lips. I instantly felt that I should be weeping in adoration for this part of him. I would gladly for any part, really. Even if it was never to be reciprocated.

He laughed breathlessly. "Well, I wouldn't say that."

"I would." I ghosted my palms up his shaft and brought my finger to his tip, playing the tiny bead of semen there. It was just enough to coat the head and as I moved my hand to stand the shaft up his body went taut and he growled low in his chest. "I think it's wonderful, and I never got the chance to properly thank it for all that it gives me," I whispered.

He groaned as I leaned down to kiss the head and then I pushed him back until I could feel him in my throat. He was sweet on my tongue and I hummed in appreciation, further eliciting a groan from his throat. I considered putting the ring on but decided it was better like this.

I worked as best as I could with my mouth, sucking, licking and biting. My teeth dragged across his foreskin and each time he groaned louder. My hands worked what I couldn't reach and one on his sac to rub and stimulate. It was a beautiful system in which I gave him pleasure and heard the fruit of my labor in short sentences.

"I wish I could see you," he moaned. "Wish I could… see you fucking me with your mouth… ah—like that, grab harder, Bella."

I worked faster when I felt his balls tightening in my hand. I could feel the aphrodisiac from his precum starting to make my mind foggy and was prepared to succumb from the embarrassment of begging him to make me cum. The embarrassment never lasted long when my limbs were aching and the desperate need consumed me so wholly that his vampire nature forced him to please me in every way.

"Yes, Bella!" he screamed. "Don't you dare stop—in your throat again…ah, ah, oh… fuck!" He threw his head into the pillow while his hands gripped at the sheets spread out from him.

The rush of his release infiltrated my mouth and I swallowed eagerly. He was sitting up then, watching me. I looked up into his eyes as I was still bent over his legs with his shaft in my mouth, greedily sucking every drop.

In an instant I was overcome with it. My body snapped upright and a flood of wetness ran down my thighs while my nipples ached to be pinched and twisted. My breathing and heartbeat picked up and I was attacking Edward.

I managed to impale myself on his nearly flaccid member before he hissed and picked me up. I screamed and he lay on his back again. I was spun around, my ass touching the headboard and my hands on his abdomen and his mouth was nearly touching me where I positive I was dripping on him.

"Is this what you were waiting for?" he murmured. A finger rubbed up and down, finally resting on my clit. He rubbed it a few times and I came screaming, begging him for more. "All worked up so much that you have all the courage in the world to take what you want from me."

"Edward," I panted. "Do it, please."

"I think I'll need an example if you don't mind."

I reached down with my left hand and plunged two fingers inside myself. He watched with his face so close I could feel his breath on my wet flesh. I laid down on his stomach and chest while my other hand rubbed at my clit. He groaned removed my hand.

"Get me back up, Bella," he commanded.

I stretched out so I could reach his naval. He pushed his fingers in me and I leaned back up on my hands and knees to reach his shaft again. By the time I was on my fourth orgasm he was finally hard. Edward dutifully kept me cumming as the effects of his semen pumped through my body. With each new wave from his mouth and fingers the hunger for what was in my mouth to be down there was staggering.

"No!" I yelled. "Fuck me, Edward, please fuck me!"

"Such a dirty mouth," he half laughed, half groaned. I could see the strain on his face, too, though. "Climb down and ride me. Don't be _shy_ about it either."

There was no hesitation as I climbed down and straddled his waist and then sat down on him. A loud scream left my throat as my muscles contracted around him. I was going to die, I was going to simply float away and die in absolute bliss.

"It's feels so good," I whimpered. "Don't ever leave me."

"Oh, fuck, no I can't leave you. God I can't fucking leave you." He slammed his hips up into me, gently and with enough restraint not to tear into my hips. "I'll fucking _die_ without you,_" _he snarled.

Another orgasm came over me and he picked up his pace and I came down harder on him. I was trying to think, trying to work the nerves away to tell him what I had been so afraid to.

"You'll leave me," I cried.

"No, ah, shit—I won't ever leave you. Oh, fuck, fuck, I can't leave you, I won't," he gasped, and pushed up again.

"Then why am—oh, oh, please yes, yes!—am I just your play thing—oh God I'm cumming!"

"You're not," he hissed. "Stop talking, fuck me harder dammit!"

My next orgasm had to be my last, the strength of it made me lose my vision and it was like all the previous ones had combined into an incredible sensation. Tears streamed down my face, from either that he was avoiding the subject, or that I felt lightheaded, I didn't know.

I could feel Edward cumming, too. He shook and gasped, finally snarling loudly into the air and withdrawing from me so he wouldn't thrust up. He finished the rest off on his stomach and I shook as my body tried to support me.

Was this all I was good for? Was I just a human puppet so that Edward could have multiple orgasms and not worry about going out and finding a different woman to sate his needs every night?

His hand touched my chin and pulled my face up. "You're not a puppet," he said. "If anything you're a china doll, elegant and breakable, but something to be cherished. I'm not good enough to have something so wonderful."

Though the words made my heart and stomach flutter, they did not give me the solace I was hoping they would have.

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**A/N: Don't forget to review!**


	8. Chapter 8

_May_

---

Bella

---

I had managed to drag myself into the shower without collapsing on my shaky legs after hours of nonstop writhing and convulsing. I was proud of myself, but the ache in my thighs was making everything sore.

The hot water pelted the front of my body and I groaned loudly. In an instant Edward was pulling back the glass door and stepping in.

"I can't go another round," I breathed.

"That's not what your body's telling me." He snaked a hand behind me to grab my ass and then moved further to have his fingers stroke me from behind. "Your clit is saying it wants some attention." He smirked.

I stepped away and grabbed body wash. He had said in the past that body odor didn't ever bother him around me. He was too hung up on my blood and arousal, but it still made me feel self-conscious to have sweat and… other things caked onto my skin. I rubbed his soap into my skin, and he innocently assisted me.

After a relatively boring shower—relatively in the sense that there was no penetration—we moved to the living room. Edward refused to let me get dressed and I sighed mentally at the thought of a naked weekend. It stung my ego seeing him walk around naked and knowing that I could never be so graceful and beautiful.

That thought had me sagging into the chair I was sitting in while Edward flipped a pancake. I had a hankering for sausage, though.

_What is with you and the dirty thoughts?_

Who could keep their mind clean when a six two, muscular piece of male artwork was standing naked before them? Certainly not I.

I ate my breakfast in silence as he read a book and occasionally smiled at my enthusiasm for his food. Insecurities be damned, if he thought I was good enough to keep around for three years then there must have been something good about me.

My frown deepened as I thought of last night again. I was suddenly ashamed of that thought. Who wants to be kept around for a throw down every once in a while?

"Bella," Edward murmured. "You have that look again."

I flushed and sputtered out a disagreeing argument, but he knew me too well, much better than I knew him. He crooked a finger at me I stood to follow him from the room.

"I really wasn't—"

"I would have thought you'd learn by now," he said disapprovingly. He moved to pull a white sheet from a floor length mirror. "I know how much you hate it when we do this." He smiled wryly. "But I absolutely love it."

I swallowed and felt a flood surge through me. The aches and pains went away and I was lost in the anticipatory butterflies. I hated this, I honestly did, but… there was something about it that was undeniably erotic.

Edward pushed me in front of the mirror so that I could see the full length of my body from my head to my feet. He stood behind me and cupped my breasts in his hands, wasting no time by tugging and pulling at my nipples. I arched my back and leaned my head against his shoulder.

"Open you eyes and watch," he whispered.

"It's too weird," I complained quietly.

"Your body tells me otherwise." He moved his hand down between my thighs and gently stroked my clit. Just the lightest of touches to set my body aflame. "I know you never listen to me," he murmured. "But the one thing that's unacceptable to me is any self-loathing that comes from you. Just because I can't read your mind doesn't mean I don't know what your expressions mean."

"I don't loathe myself," I moaned quietly.

"Tell me what you are," he ordered.

"Pretty."

"No."

"Beautiful?"

"No."

"Um…"

His lips touched the shell of my ear and he plunged a finger inside of me. "You're the most gorgeous girl in all of the universe. You put goddesses to shame, you make angels look like demons, you create a new definition of beauty and harps play for you when you don't listen," he whispered. "You are innocence and sin wrapped all in one and somehow I was blessed enough to steal you away from the world with my anger and cruelty."

"That's not it…"

"Oh, but it is. I will spend the rest of my existence repenting to you for what I have done." He dropped to his knees behind me. "Don't you dare take your eyes from that mirror."

I could see him between my legs, his head tilted upwards and the long column of his throat was displayed for me as he kissed me on my clit. His tongue slipped inside of me and I was transfixed by the expanding of his throat as he seemingly drank from me.

My vision clouded over and I threw my head back. My hands moved to cup my breasts for nothing more than a place to put them. My fingers pinched and pulled at my nipples and I followed Edward's instruction and watched him and myself bring me to the brink of pleasure and deliver wonderfully.

He held me as I came on his face, drinking everything he could and groaning my name as if I were the one on my knees.

Quickly, he stood behind me again. He ordered my hands around his neck and then he hoisted me up by my thighs. I gasped as I was put on display in front of the mirror. I could see everything glistening and open. The sight of what Edward had done to me, my cum and his venom, made me become blind to everything that told me to cover myself.

Edward shifted his hips so that his shaft came up to rub against me. I watched in amazement, trying to hold myself together and find the meaning in this. Mixed messages and signals always seemed to come my way. But he called me gorgeous and was remorseful and if that wasn't enough of a meaning I wouldn't be able to find anything.

His hands lifted my body and he pushed into me. I gasped loudly and screamed his name as he began to move at a steady pace. Being spread by his hands and watching his body connecting to mine made me feel lightheaded.

"Do you see that?" he grunted. "Do you see how perfect we are together?"

"Yes," I whimpered. "You make me beautiful."

"Fuck Bella, do you listen to me at all?"

He picked up his pace and I could feel his sac slapping upward with each thrust. I watched as it moved in time with my breasts. My nipples were painfully unattended and I arched backwards for more of him.

"God… I can feel you inside of me!" I cried. "It's like… like you crawled inside—ah, oh God I'm cumming!"

"Fucking watch!" he snarled. "Do you see how you move against me? Only me. You're mine, don't you forget about it, Bella."

"I'm yours, I'm yours, I'm yours," I chanted.

I unlocked my arms from around his neck and he held me tighter to his body and I let my instincts kick in to make me feel more. Edward groaned in my ear with his eyes trained on my taught nipples and my needy fingers tugging at them. It was so easy to imagine his stone fingers in my place. He would pull to the point of almost pain and let the little shocks surge downward. I didn't stop when I felt pain, though. I continued through and wiggled my hips on his impatiently and ungracefully.

My left hand skimmed down my stomach quickly. The slick perspiration made the glide easier as I found my clitoris and made little circles around it. My orgasm blinded me with the unexpected blow. Edward sucked in a breath and stopped moving.

He growled low in his chest, sending vibrations through me that seized every muscle. He snarled my name in a terrifying way but I couldn't stop the screams that continued to bubble up and choke before leaking into the air around us. His semen forced bubble upon bubble to break through, over and over and over until I became scared that they would never end.

"Bella, you have to breathe," Edward grunted.

I tried to follow what he said but it was lost on me. I was choking on scream after scream as my body shook and plummeted from the highest peak possible before rewinding and falling again.

"Edward!" I cried.

He pulled out of me quickly and started a panicked muttering as my vision eclipsed and my chest squeezed.

I was put on something hard and the cold that made me arch my back in remembrance of Edward. I seized again while Edward's hand pushed on my chest three times in rapid succession.

The images in my mind became fuzzy and I slipped off into blissful sleep.

--

_"Why can't you come this weekend?" Lauren asked me for the hundredth time. She looked at me pleadingly. "I really don't want to be around Jessica when she's pining over Mike all weekend."_

_ "I just can't…" I whispered._

_She gave me her puppy dog stare but sighed in defeat. Lauren had been observant over the last couple of weeks. She called me out when I tensed up; asking what had me so nervous. I lied and told her that I was worried about how mom was doing in Florida._

_The man who was following me around demanded that my weekends be spent in confinement with him unless there was an emergency that I was required to leave for. From the time I got home in the afternoons he forced me to stay in my room and do anything just so he could watch me. The three hours I spent with Charlie were a brief reprise from my fear, but at night he became… more horrifying._

_He briefly spoke to me, mostly to give me an order, though. I finished my entire book collection off and desperately wanted to go shopping for new ones. I wasn't so sure I wanted to ask him if that was possible…._

_ "Bella," Lauren whispered. She grabbed my arm and pulled me into a janitor's closet. She clicked on the overhead light and closed the door tightly. "What's going on? No one can hear us and you're safe. You're pale as a ghost, you haven't been eating and you flinch every time someone touches you or makes a loud noise."_

_I didn't look at her eyes, I couldn't tell her. The man's words floated through my head for the millionth time._

_"If you tell anyone about me, I'll kill them quickly and painfully…"_

_I swallowed thickly and Lauren hugged me to her chest. I let go and hugged her back, sobbing into her shoulder as she shushed me. He never left my house, and he especially didn't follow me into public._

_ "Bella, oh Bella, it'll be okay," she murmured. "Is someone hurting you?"_

_I pulled back and took in a shaky breath. My voice caught in my throat and I nodded._

_She gasped and her shocked eyes became angry. "Tell me who, Bella. Do I know them? Are they a boy or a girl?"_

_ "A man," I whispered. She pushed me to elaborate with her eyes. "A couple months ago, when I was walking home from school. He was by the boulder rocks and… and he followed me home."_

_ "God," she whispered. "Has he… has he touched you?"_

_ "No, that's the thing. He just followed me and that's it. He sits in the corner of my room and watches me, and now he won't let me go anywhere without his consent."_

_ "You're dad is the chief of police, why didn't you go to him?"_

_ "I don't—this guy isn't _ right_," I whispered terrified. "He has red eyes and he's really fast, inhumanly fast. The other week he lifted my dresser with his fingers to get something underneath. I don't think he's human."_

_Her brow furrowed. "Super fast, super strong, red eyes…" she looked contemplative and then gasped. "Does he have cold skin?"_

_ "I—I think so," I answered._

_ "Do you remember those Quileute legends from when we were kids?"_

_I thought for a minute and then hesitated. "Vampires aren't real, Lauren. That's impossible."_

_ "What other explanation is there then?" she snapped. "Have you seen him in the sun, it was sunny all last week."_

_ "He switched corners on the days with bright sun…" My eyes widened. "He threatened me when I wanted to open the blinds!"_

_ "Bella, we need to go to the Res. I bet if we tell the elders over there they would be able to do something."_

_ "Lauren, you can't tell anyone. He's deranged and capable of killing someone, please, keep this to yourself."_

_ "Fine," she hissed. "When you get scared enough to listen to me and want to get rid of him you tell me and we'll go down to La Push."_

_I nodded and whispered, "Thanks."_

_Her eyes softened. "Everything will be alright, Bella."_

--

"Goddamn it! Bella, wake up, please, sweetie, wake up." The voice echoed around in my head and I groaned. "Bella? That's it, wake up, come back to me."

One eye tried to lift open but fell back again. I was too tired to wake up.

"What happened?" I mumbled.

Edward's arm wrapped underneath my shoulders and he pushed me up. I leaned my head against his shoulder and groaned at the swell of light that came as he pried open an eyelid.

"You blacked out," he murmured. "Your heart stopped for about ten seconds."

I forced my eyes open and looked up to his face. His expression was a cross between sadness, anger and worry. He alternated before he settled on relief and rubbed his hand over my forehead.

I blacked out? My heart stopped? How could that have happened? We'd had sex hundreds of times, and while I hyperventilated on occasion nothing this serious had even come close to happening. Edward's palm cupped my cheek gently and he sighed.

"You scared me," he whispered. "I thought I'd lost you."

"Would it have mattered?" I asked quietly.

His face hardened and a snarl built up in his chest. "What the fuck does that mean?"

"There are millions of humans," I answered calmly.

"There's only one of you. I don't care about _other humans_," he sneered. "I only care about you and your wellbeing. Did you _want _to die?"

"I'm tired Edward."

"You can sleep later."

"No, I'm tired of your mixed messages. You enjoy playing with my head and my human heart was just showing physical form of my human emotions."

"What do you want then, Bella? I'll give you anything." He said immediately.

I shook my head. "No, you can't."

"Tell me!" he begged. "Tell me what you want and I'll do everything in my power to give it to you."

"Answer me then, Edward," I looked at his pleading eyes and felt the calm start to turn towards panic. "If I weren't warm and human would you still want me around?"

_Please, Edward…._

"That's irrelevant, you're human and you'll always be human," he answered easily.

I started to tremble. "You didn't answer the question."

"Bella? Bella, what's wrong?"

"Answer the fucking question!" I yelled.

He looked at me, scrutinizing the free flowing tears and he looked away. "I don't know, Bella."

"Of course you don't." I laughed humorlessly. "I'll be in the guest bedroom, please don't follow me."

I stood up from the couch and walked away, and he didn't move from his spot on the couch.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed this. My nervousness of doing AU has been eased because of your sincere words.**

**Don't forget to review!**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Thank you for the lovely, inspiring reviews. They get the top left chamber in my heart. :)**

**FanFiction has been a bit screwy lately. I haven't been getting some reviews and others come in a few days late. I've replied to a lot, but if you didn't get it I'm sorry.**

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_

May

---

Edward

---

Nine hours, seventeen minutes and forty three seconds.

Nine hours, seventeen minutes and forty four seconds.

Nine hours, seventeen minutes and forty five seconds.

I hadn't seen her in nine hours, seventeen minutes and forty six seconds.

Bella had locked herself inside of the guest bedroom. I had dropped off her overnight bag outside in the hall and three hours in she must have been tired of being nude. I was briefly rewarded with pale skin and a view of her rear as she bent over, but that was all.

She had cried for a good two hours after she smashed what sounded like a picture frame. Her sobs had been unintelligent even to my keen ears, but my name came up continuously usually followed by an explicative. I had never heard words like that come out of her mouth unless I was withholding an orgasm.

My mind focused on each stroke of the grandfather clock. I had made a deal with myself that if I lost track of even one tick I would have to go speak with her. My mind, being able to sustain fifty percent if not more of its capacity, made it simple. Unfortunately that forced me to think of the circumstance leading up to my boring isolation. There was a perfectly primed young woman in the other room and I was forced to leave her be.

Perhaps it was my problem, though. I hadn't given her the answer she desired and she got upset.

Ridiculous really. What did it matter if I answered yes or no? Bella wouldn't become a vampire no matter what. I had thought about it several times, but it was quickly washed away by the possibilities of what she would be capable of.

If she felt that was her way to strike revenge I would be helpless against her newborn strength. After all the hell I'd put her through I could easily see how going about a normal life would be difficult. Maybe she didn't care if she lived an eternity as a cold hearted monster if it meant that she could tear me to shreds and burn me at the stake.

On the other hand I had an equally interesting argument. Bella for an eternity. That on its own served to make me think.

Sex between vampires was an amazing thing. I had seen it in the minds of others and experienced it myself. The problem was without a mate it became too frantic and… strange. When I was a newborn I had the urge for blood almost constantly and I quickly searched for a solution to sate the urge to feed. My sire's friend insisted on helping me.

I remembered Tanya vaguely but tried to block out most of my time spent with her. She was crude and loud, but also very adventurous. She was a succubus; I supposed humans of today's time would call her a whore. I would have to agree.

The thought of vampirism and sex forced my thoughts to Bella. With a mate my kind lost themselves in the act. I had lived with several couples at different points in my life and found that they could be holed up for days without even realizing it. Every sensation was amplified and natural instincts pushed out incredible urges. One thing that bothered me was that there were no multiple orgasms for males. We could harden quickly, but the hormones in humans forced one orgasm to multiply into several and the after affects were just as pleasant.

If I took Bella for a mate—

I cut that thought off before it could bud. There was no point in dragging her around for sex, she didn't like it now and I doubted as a stronger being with a _choice_ that she would go along with it.

_"If I weren't warm and human would you still want me around?"_

Honestly? I really didn't know.

Three years ago it didn't make a difference; she was supposed to have died by now. She would have served me as a nice meal and I would have moved on. It wasn't her heat and humanity that mattered then, it was her blood and her scent, and also the fact that I couldn't read her.

Now, however… what was it? Why did I keep this human around? Her expressions were easy to be around; she was quiet and shy, backed down easily and tried to build up a backbone before I tore it down. What was the draw?

"Dammit," I sighed.

I put my hand on my brow and briefly thought to go into her room and drain her. But I smashed my head into the coffee table with that thought. A growl ripped through my chest and I wanted to tear my heart out.

What the fuck was wrong with me? How could one Goddamn little human have such a strong hold over me? I was twice her mass, she had a fifth of my strength and she was a human! Nothing special, nothing to marvel at, so why did my gut twist when I thought of her?

My palms pressed into my temples and I hissed at the intrusion of thoughts.

Thoughts.

My eyes snapped open and zeroed in on the door.

Thoughts. Not human thoughts.

I got up slowly, so quiet that not even a vampire would be able to hear me. And that's exactly what they were.

"Edward?" Bella called from behind me. "I heard a loud noise out here, are you okay?" Her voice was timid, like she didn't really want to ask.

"Bella," I said quietly. "Go back to the guest bedroom and don't come out."

"What?" she said indignantly. She walked down the hall and froze when she saw me in a near crouch in front of the door. "What's going on?" this time she was panicked.

"Stay still," I whispered.

_Does he really think we can't hear him?_ Female.

_I smell a human; wonder if he's already staked a claim. Maybe he'll share… ah, must be a girl, that floral smell is making me hungry. _Male.

Two of them, they were thinking of a third who was in the parking lot. He wanted to stay close to the ground in case I decided to jump from the window. Dammit, they managed to surround the building and I hadn't even noticed.

"Knock, knock," the female voice mocked.

Bella gasped behind me, probably startled by how smooth it was. She hadn't met any vampires beside me; she wouldn't know how to respond to two, one of which was salivating at her scent.

"You can just stand there, or you can unlock the door before I do it for you," the male said and then chuckled to himself.

I walked carefully to the door, looked at Bella who was still frozen in the hallway, and then I undid the lock. The door opened with a soft squeak and then the two red eyed monsters smirked at me. The female reminded me immediately of a lioness, she was practically bouncing with her excitement at finding me. A tracker and it seemed the male was as well. He was standing leisurely, but his posture was defensive as Bella's scent hit him full on. He inhaled deeply.

"We were in the neighborhood and decided to see who else was here—" she stopped as her eyes locked onto mine. Red met Gold, and Gold glared back. My stance was rigid, waiting for any movement, my instincts were screaming to protect, protect, protect.

"Well now, that's… different." The male lifted to put his arm against the doorjamb. "How'd you get that?"

The female pointed to her eye to clarify. "Do you wear contacts? You could have been a bit more subtle," she whispered quiet enough for only the three of us to hear. Her thoughts were on the human behind me, and she flashed her red eyes over to Bella.

In her mind she could see the terrified look and thought that they'd interrupted me from a snack. I retracted the urge to growl.

"May we come in?" the male asked with a polite smile.

I moved aside stiffly and they made their way in. I backed away slowly to Bella and stood a few feet in front of her. She wasn't breathing, only in shallow movements to most likely divert attention from herself.

"I guess there's no point in trying to hide it," the female shrugged. "The human probably figured it out by now. Gold contacts or not."

"They're not contacts, Victoria," the male said. "I've seen them before, there was a man traveling east who had the same eyes. He said he fed on animals."

"What did this man look like?" I asked. I had a feeling I already knew but something in me hoped otherwise.

"Blonde hair, gold eyes, had a slight English accent," the female said as she looked over the room and the books that littered every flat surface. "He was with a woman, too."

"Thank you for the information."

The male looked at me pointedly and then to Bella. "She is absolutely drenched in your scent."

"I told you he would only have a human for one reason. And since he doesn't drink them, it must be for other more _fun _activities."

Bella's scent rushed forward and I wanted to strangle the male as he looked at her, red faced and embarrassed. The point was to draw tension away from her and there she went blushing in front of two blood drinking monsters.

"Don't you know the rules?" the male murmured.

"I'm very aware."

"Maybe we could keep your little secret in exchange for something." The female smirked behind him and came forward to stand by his side. Her eyes darted to Bella in a malicious way.

"She's mine," I growled.

"I don't think the Volturi would really care who she belonged to. All I'm saying is give up this one human and you can go on and do whatever you want with any of the others."

"I don't think you understand," I snarled. "She's _mine_."

The female's head tilted curiously and her thoughts went wild. "You plan to change her."

The male made a disgusted noise. "Humans don't retain anything when they change, she'll be a walking nightmare and you'll _wish_ you'd given her up when you had the chance."

"I think it's romantic, James," the female cooed. A feeling of unease slipped into my stomach. "She'd make for a cute pet."

I growled at her and the male lunged for me. We slammed into the floor and the female went after Bella. I quickly threw James to the floor and made my way to Victoria. Bella had run to the bedroom and locked the door closed. Victoria had it in splinters in seconds. When I entered the room she had Bella's back to her chest and a hand under her chin.

Her eyes said it all, make a move and she'll die. James came up behind me and tackled me to the floor like an idiot. Victoria became concerned when I had my hands around his throat and released Bella in order to pry me off of him.

Her distraction pulled me away from James and I flew to Bella. It didn't make a difference, though. I was outnumbered and they could do it again. James was strong enough to hold me if he got the chance. The fact that they drank human blood gave them an upper hand.

Bella was shaking behind me and James thrilled as her fear spiked through her hormones. I pushed her against the wall, sandwiching her in a false state of protection.

"Just the let the human go and we'll be done," James said.

"Why? Why do you want her? There are thousands of humans in the area."

"Yeah, but they don't _belong_ to any vampires," Victoria chuckled. "Do you think you can just have a human and not put up a fight against another?"

James touched his eyebrow and his mind flashed with the meaning. Victoria stepped forward to distract me but I saw through it. I lifted the dressed beside me and threw it at her. She turned to go through the door but misjudged the distance and slammed through the doorway; James growled and launched an attack on his own.

I quickly took him to the floor but my mind was focused on the female as her disoriented thoughts came back to her. She was startled that her senses had failed her and it made me more confident that she would be doubting herself.

"Leave now and I won't kill you," I spat at the male.

"Either you or the human dies, get your priorities straight." His head turned to the female. "Get the human and go!"

"Maybe we should leave…" her panic was clear and I took advantage of it.

"There are others in the area who could hunt each one of you down. The vampire in the parking lot included. If you cross me there's no plea bargain, you'll be dead on the spot," I lied.

"James!" the female cried. "Laurent's calling us, someone in the building called the police."

He pushed back on my arms that were pinning him to the ground. "Get the human and we'll go!"

"Don't," I snapped at the female. "You'll regret it."

She looked from me to James and moved forward to push me off of the male. I hit the floor on my back and she was picking her mate up and sprinting for the door.

I listened for the sounds of their departure as the male outside left a trail for them to follow. The male—James—thought's seemed to be directed at me.

_I'll get her. And I'll kill you._

I lay back on the ground and let out a relieve sigh. And then it all came crashing back down on me. We weren't safe here; they would come back for Bella. They would come back for me and I didn't have anyone to turn to for help.

Bella…

I sat up on my elbows and was immediately on my feet and Bella stood with her back to the wall with tears streaming down her face. Her trembling made her jaw chatter and when I said her name softly she threw herself into my arms.

"Bella, Bella, it's all right, everything will be fine," I murmured into her hair.

"I thought she was going to kill me!" she sobbed into my chest. "I could hear my neck pop and I thought—thought she was…"

"No one will ever hurt you again," I whispered. "I mean that."

We stood for a moment before I moved her to the bed. Her legs were one sob away from collapsing. She pulled herself closer to me and muttered things into my chest. I rocked her as best I could to comfort her, but it felt like a wasted effort.

I had caused her panic and the disorder that had just happened. The way I had put her in danger—after I had endlessly pledged that I would protect her—was unacceptable.

"We need to leave," I whispered when she calmed down.

Taking a deep breath she nodded weakly. "Will they really come back?"

"The male is determined. He took my defensiveness as a threat." I caressed the back of her head and ran through places we could go to in my head.

"What about everyone here?" she whispered hopelessly.

"We have to leave," I repeated. "They're going to Canada. We have maybe a week to prepare to leave. I can talk to the Land Lord here and pay off the rest of my rent. You have to talk to your boss… and your father."

"Will he be safe?"

"Yes, it's been a while since you've been there. Not even the best tracker couldn't distinguish a scent months old."

"Then should I see him?" Sadness entered her voice and I could tell she was on the edge of break down again.

I kissed the top of her head and spoke as quietly as I could. "No, I don't think so, Bella." She nodded her head and took in a deep breath. "I'm sorry."

She swallowed. "What's done is done."

* * *

**A/N: I'm so happy to have gotten to this point. I'm writing this free hand, without an outline, script or chart. I go where the characters take me and it's kind of scary, but at the same time there's no better way.**

**Don't forget to review!**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: The real world is sucking up most of my time. I try to get at least two hours of writing a day done, though.**

**Question I've been asked a lot: Do you have a posting scedule? No, I ship them out as fast as I can write them.**

* * *

_May_

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Bella

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"Bella, I… I don't understand," Charlie bumbled over his words.

"I feel like Washington is holding me back, dad. I mean, I've always wanted to travel the world, see all the places there is to see. I just know this is my golden opportunity."

I'd recited these words over and over out loud and in my head. I had them written down on a wrinkled piece of paper that my hands had been nervously twisting. I wanted to save my mother for last because as a fleeting soul herself, she would understand more than Charlie.

Charlie, on the other hand, was more than upset. "Bella, this is ridiculous! You really need to sit down and think about what you're doing. You're in school, you have a job, and you have an apartment. I—I don't know _why_ you feel like now is the pivotal time in your life to go out somewhere that you haven't even determined yet."

My eyes snapped to Edward as he darted around my apartment. There were boxes littering the floor with different possessions of mine packed neatly in bubble wrap and Styrofoam. He had compacted his penthouse into boxes and put them into storage after fixing the wall and disposing of the broken furniture in the guest room.

At the moment he was wrapping up my picture frames and photo albums. He stopped to look at one, my senior portrait. He said I looked like I was staring into the great unknown the first time he'd seen it. His eyelids rolled up and he looked at me, bright gold unwavering as always but wide with his never ending apologies.

"Bella? Bella!" Charlie screamed through the line.

"Um, what?" I mumbled.

"God, Bella, give me something to go on, why are you doing this? Where are you going? When are you coming back?" he sounded desperate.

"Dad… I—I—" I looked over to Edward who was trying to give me my privacy by not watching. His hands were in a waist high box and upon my hesitation his eyes snapped to mine and he was behind me.

"It's okay," he whispered, stroking my hair. "Tell him what you've been practicing."

"I'm going anywhere the wind takes me," I deadpanned. I coughed and tried to put more enthusiasm into it. "I don't really know, dad. I just want to travel, east, south, maybe up north. I don't know when I'll be back or… or…" _If I'll come back._

"Jeez kid," he sighed. "Can't you at least say goodbye?"

My shoulders hunched and Edward's hand smoothed up and down my spine. "Dad, I'm leaving really soon and I still have to settle things at work and with the landlord here."

He sighed. "Alright… I guess. It's so abrupt and unplanned. This is really unlike you, Bells."

I bit my lip to stifle the sobs. "Yeah, I know."

"Try and call me when you get the chance, okay?"

"Mmhmm, I love you dad."

"Love you, too, Bells." His voice cracked but he managed to cover it up with a gruff cough.

I punched the red button on my phone and snapped it shut. My knees supported my elbows as I hunched over and tried to breathe through my nose. The usual calm that came to me was slipping through my fingers. Edward was there to catch it as he pulled me into his side.

"Not all is lost," he murmured. "Just because we're on the run doesn't mean you have to lose all contact."

"If they're hunters—if they're determined—any contact with Charlie could put him in danger."

Edward said nothing, but reached his hand out to several books across my coffee table. I had yet to decide which ones I wanted to take and which to leave. I had narrowed it down to ten and could only take five. For such a small decision it felt like it was tearing apart my stomach.

"Personally," Edward said, trying to lighten the mood. "I would go with Sartre."

"Why not Camus?" I asked in defiance.

He gave me a side glance and put Sartre down and Camus into a small canvas bag. I blindly picked out the other four into the bag and ignored his worried stare. I was picky when it came to literature, as he was when it came to music.

Edward sighed and went back to packing, my room and the bathroom had been cleared out and put into storage with his things. He picked an underground place a few miles from the city. After picking up a truck he spent hours hauling things down there and packing. He said our security was top priority and therefore two hours of commuting time was worth it.

The plan was to air out our scent enough to give no clear sign of where we were going. Where we were going, I had no idea.

Even though there had been no determined place, I had a feeling that we were going towards Edward's sire. His search for him over the years had been unsuccessful and he never left me for very long. Now that I was by his side I felt some pride that I would no longer be holding him back.

I flipped open my phone and pressed the speed dial for Renee. Might as well get it over with.

The other line beeped with a busy signal and I groaned. Of course. Of course Charlie would call Renee and tattle on me. I threw the plastic into the couch cushion and stood up frustratedly. Edward was packing up plates and cups, I moved to the silver wear. The right half of the drawer was suddenly gone and Edward had it wrapped up.

"The last thing we need is for you cut yourself on a knife," he gave me a pointed glance.

"A _butter_ knife," I mumbled.

"The point is to smother our scents, your blood would be the worst possible thing to do that."

I turned away from him and went to my room. His protectiveness was irritating me and the tension that had been consuming both of us for last couple of days was settling in the wrong way.

I pulled on a pair of jeans and a sweat shirt before grabbing my keys. Edward's eyes narrowed at me and I glared back.

"I have to go to work," I snapped and waited for him to fight back.

"Everything is settled." His jaw was tight and his eyes darkened. I shrunk back at his intimidating glare and swallowed.

"I want to do it on my own time and my way," I muttered. My voice cracked and I cursed myself for being too weak to stand up for what I wanted.

"One hour," he ordered.

I turned and left, not in the mood to argue or bargain. I took my time walking through the hall of my apartment building, shifting and memorizing every aspect of the crossing patterns. I breathed in the musky scent of the elevator man who looked bored out of his mind. I smiled at him as I left.

The walk to work was slow and I tried to enjoy, but my leg muscles were stiff with pain and unused. I had stopped school, taken off from my job and given up the lease on my home. I wondered how this would affect me when I came back—if I came back. There were two sides of the spectrums to look at and both were scaring me. Live and most likely be supported by Edward because of the stigma this ordeal would leave, or be on the run for the rest of my life.

I reached the book shop and found Leah at the front desk, pissed and typing furiously on the computer. Her head snapped up with a faulty smile as the bell rang. When her eyes met mine her expression went back to pissy.

"Bella," she greeted curtly.

I sucked in a deep breath through my nose. "Leah," I nodded. "I wanted to apologize for the abruptness of my departure."

"Yeah, I know, your boyfriend told me all about it." She blew me off with a twist of her hand and went back to slamming the keyboard.

"My boyfriend?" My brow furrowed and she looked at me like I had three heads.

She guffawed loudly. "Oh come on, don't play stupid."

"I'm not."

"Well then, maybe you're just blind." She shrugged. "Anyway, it's fine, I already hired your replacement, she'll be in next week."

"Oh," I said dumbly.

She gave me a dismissive glare and stacked some papers. Was that it? No, it couldn't be, where was the part where she handed me my papers for future references and job opportunities?

"Um, Leah?" I asked a bit timidly.

"What, Bella," she sighed.

"I was just wondering if you had my transcripts? You know, for my resume?"

"Ha! Yeah, I have 'em in the back, but I wouldn't recommend you as an employee to anyone." I blanched. "Oh come on, Bella! When you got here you replaced a girl with a master's degree. You were just going in to college and held a job only at a sporting goods store."

I opened my mouth to say something, but words failed me. She was right, at the time I was too ecstatic over obtaining my Dream Job to really care about how or why I had gotten it in the first place. Now, with it mapped out in front of me I could finally see.

"No… no, he couldn't have…" I mumbled.

"Hmmm," Leah hummed. "You must have one thick skull if you don't think your boyfriend isn't controlling everything."

"He's not my boyfriend—he's not controlling anything." Even to my own ears my voice sounded desperate. I was trying to escape what I knew was true and it wasn't fooling my old boss or me.

"Bella, take it from someone with experience," Leah's voice dropped. "You're in way over your head, and before you try and argue against it, tell me, why are exactly are you leaving?"

My mouth hung open and I tried to remember some of the things I'd written on that wrinkled piece of paper when I spoke with Charlie. "To travel the world, this is my golden opportunity."

She didn't look convinced.

"Alright, Bella. You remember when you're with that man and you're doing things you don't want to just because he said so, how golden this opportunity is."

I turned on my heel and left the book shop trying not to punch her. Maybe there was half truth or whole truth in what she said but I was shaking too hard to get the proper parts in my brain to function correctly. What did she know? Nothing! That's what she knew, nothing at all.

I turned the corner and smacked into a hard object. I thought it was strange that a new street light had been put in but street lights don't normally have a disapproving aura about them.

"One hour. Five. Minutes," Edward hissed.

"Jesus Christ," I snapped, irate and not thinking twice about my actions. Edward's eyes narrowed into slits and he growled.

My jaw trembled and my mind started racing at what I'd just done. I stepped around him and started to walk back home. Edward was on my heels the entire time I could feel two holes searing through my head at his anger.

Leah's words came back and hit in me in the chest. Something I don't want….

I felt an imminent break down coming on and I tried not to sniffle and alert him. I'd get no sympathy as I'd learned several times in the past. Once we were inside the building he grabbed onto my forearm and pulled me into the elevator, black eyes searing past my watery ones.

"Don't you _ever_ snap at me like that," he hissed. "Especially when all I'm all trying to do is protect you."

"I wouldn't need protection if you hadn't provoked James," I mumbled and the flood gate broke loose. I might as well have been wearing a grin on my face because none of it affected him.

"It was a mistake; you've made grave mistakes before, as well."

His accusation made me gasp and I struggled against his hold and when he didn't let go I screamed. His free hand covered my mouth and I tried to bite him but it was like chewing a rock. The elevator doors opened and he threw me over his shoulder with his hand still on my mouth and the other came down _hard_ on my bottom.

I whimpered behind his hand and kicked my legs, hoping to just fall from his grip and melt into the floor. He smacked me again, this time much more deliberate and closer to my tail bone. I screamed and my struggling became more violent as pain took over my adrenaline rush.

The anger and agitation were gone, instead replaced with desperation to escape from him before he took his wrath out in a much more effective way.

I was thrown onto the bed, face down, and I didn't have time to bounce against the soft mattress before I was back over his lap with my legs forced together by his belt and dangling over his thighs. My breathing was ragged while he began to growl low in his chest.

"No, please—no," I panted and pleaded. "Don't, please don't, Edward! I'm sorry, I didn't mean it! Please—"

His hand came down on my rear and I screamed. The denim of my jeans mashed into my flesh beneath his palm. My hand went down to cover the stinging area but he yanked them back over my head and came down with another hit.

"No!" I screamed. "Stop, Edward, please!"

"Don't you _ever_,"—his hand came down—"_ever_,"—once more—"take that tone of voice with me, Isabella."

I wailed into the fabric of the bed, mucus running from my nose, big fat tears falling from my eyes. Edward shifted and pulled down my pants and panties and I started to struggle even more. I could feel the sting as the fabric came down and scratched my skin.

"Please, Edward," I muttered into the bed. "I'll be good—I-I…" I choked on my sobs and started to cough. His hand paused where he'd hit and rubbed my skin almost affectionately. "P-please," I sobbed.

"Who do you belong to?" Edward's voice was hard and cold.

I sucked back the mucus in my nose. "Y-you."

"Who do you take orders from?"

"You."

"Who made you defiant?" he said quieter this time. I paused and his hand lifted. "I'll ask one more time…"

"Leah," I whispered.

He dropped his hand, this time to gently stroke my rear and press his cold forearm to my burning flesh. I sobbed quietly into the bed and tried to forget about the pain. I had to give that up, the look on Edward's face, pure, unadulterated anger just made me cry louder.

Eventually he lifted me up and laid me on my stomach in bed. A cold wet cloth was placed over my enflamed bottom and I fell asleep to try to and forget about the pain.

--

_It had been six months…._

_Six months since this man came into my life and haunted my every waking and dreaming moment. Red eyes soon faded to gold and for some reason the strange change made me unsettled because it brought back the Quileute legends from when I was a child._

_Gold eyed monsters were supposed to be good. They were peaceful and just wanted to live happily among everyone else._

_Red eyed monsters hurt people. They hunted anything they wanted and showed no mercy whatsoever._

_This monster was heartless, he was red eyed, and yet his eyes were a light honey color today. He rocked himself in my mother's old chair and watched me like usual. I had become used to it and could easily finish my homework under his studious glare._

_In six months he'd uttered only a few sentences, nothing of consequence, not even a name. In the time that he'd been here it was impossible not to stare at him and think that he wasn't human, there was just too much beauty on that horrendously evil face._

_Even if I hated him I could not deny that he was attractive. Old legends reminded me that that was how they often got to their prey. They would trick them with their good looks and charms and then when the assailant had the victim to themselves, they would drink and gorge on their blood before moving onto the next one._

_I was lying on my stomach, one arm supporting my head and the other scribbling a rough draft for history. I hadn't been able to accomplish much, but because the deadline was in two days I had to finish something, even if it wasn't amazing. My grades had to stay up, my father judged how I was feeling based on how my grades were, if they dropped he'd usually take me fishing and try to talk some of my worries out to him._

_I was afraid that if I had the temptation of Charlie alone I would give in too easily and only end up hurting him. It was worth keeping this pent up frustration and anxiousness if it meant that the people around me were safe._

_Since I'd talked to Lauren we hadn't spoken about it. He hadn't heard us in there and relief swelled me every time I thought about one person knowing what I was going through. But I still worried for Lauren, she would often give me looks that would ask me if I was ready. I didn't want tell anyone else, but… I was scared._

_"What are you working on?" the man in the corner asked._

_I jumped from my spot on the bed and stared at him with wide eyes. He was sitting casually, as per usual, in the old rocking chair. His cheek rested on his fist and one leg was crossed over the other at the knee. He looked… bored._

_I blinked for a while, opened and closed my mouth and after a few minutes of silence, looked back at my paper and tried to remember exactly _what_ I was writing._

_"Twentieth century illness and advancement in medicine up to the modern age," I mumbled._

_His body shifted and I snapped my eyes up to his. The bored look slid off his face, replaced by one of mild intrigue. It was the first time I'd seen the dangerous expression removed and something less intimidating—yet still frighteningly etched into his features._

_"Have you heard of the Spanish influenza?" he asked solemnly._

_I gaped at him and snapped my mouth closed, looking down at the text book that had a paragraph of information about that very flu. I looked back him, his face was still masked, but I didn't feel the dread that usually slid down my spine._

_"I have… there's not much information on it…" I hesitated a bit._

_"I have my fair share of knowledge." He slumped back into the chair, looking at ease for once._

_His voice melted over me and my tense shoulders fell without my consent. "Would you mind… if I interviewed you?"_

_Might as well use him for something if he'd be around for awhile._

_He smirked. "Of course."_

_I bit my lip, trying not to imagine myself dressed as Sherlock Holmes. I pulled out a clean piece of paper. "Name?"_

_His lips twitched and he shifted in an arrogant manor. "Edward Cullen."_

**

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**

A/N: Did you think he was going soft? No way! I don't know what I'd do if I had to pick five books. I think I'd cry and never make the decision.

******The Countdown to Halloween hosted by Breath Of Twilight has been going on all month. They're all Halloween related one-shots with authors, such as myself. The link is on my profile if you want to go check it out**.

**Don't forget to review!**


	11. Chapter 11

_May_

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Edward

---

My hands were twitching at my side. I reached out and punched it into the wall. The feeling of drywall cracking under my knuckles did little to ease my anger.

It was uncalled for, I acted out of line, and yet I wanted to go back into that room, wake her up and fuck her senseless. What should have been a rush of adrenaline was a rush of venom and pheromones.

Never, not in the three years since I'd known Bella, had I attacked her in one of my fits of rage. When she upset me and didn't listen to what I'd said, or lashed out at me like she'd done earlier, I had no problem with throwing her over my knee like a child.

I could hear her sleeping; I could see her in my mind, cherry red ass uncovered by the blankets, up in the air and waiting for me come back again. The next time my palm met with that soft skin it would be gentle and an apology.

I fell onto the couch and sat still to try and calm the racing in my dead veins. My eyes slipped shut and I tried to focus on nothing. The voices of other tenants in the building died, the danger of what I was doing was lost on me, but thinking of James made the anger bubble up again.

I thought, long and hard, about nothingness and everything all at once. I tried to avoid things that made me angry and focused on the good things that had occurred throughout my life.

Nothing from my human life came through other than the all consuming fire that ended my humanity and brought me to this one. Newborn years brought forth rough memories of a group of children who crossed my path. My sire had left for only a moment before I'd fled for the sweet smell of skinned knees and church scented clothing. The sounds of screaming children still echoed through my head.

Everything had violence and death leaked in between the cracks of my mind. Nothing could appease me or take the calm out to fight against the anger. I couldn't just go back in there and hurt Bella in my state of absolute rage.

At the thought of Bella my hand clenching the arm of the couch eased. A pang smacked my chest and took down my hunched shoulders, my legs released their tendons and I sunk into the threaded cushions.

I could see Bella on the side of the road, walking along the gravel ledge and becoming increasingly nervous as I followed her. When I stepped forward and she had stopped with those big brown eyes, shaking and terrified with no thought coming through her mind I was more than confused.

Slips of memories involving my time in her room, trying to read her mind and establish some kind of connection so I could just kill her already, were meshed with the long dark nights were she'd speak in her sleep. Nightmares were mixed with ridiculous mumblings of her home with her mother. I looked forward to each night and digging a little deeper into her subconscious.

But I couldn't help but think of how everything was now. Here I put her in constant danger, and yet I needed her around. If her mind was to open up to me one day, would I drain her like I'd intended to so long ago?

A being by my physical form jolted my eyes open, and before me wrapped a big, thick sweatshirt was Bella.

Her cheeks were stained with tears, her nose was running and she looked awful. Her red eyes met mine and her bottom lip quivered as she sucked in a deep breath. My whole body rocked forward to pull her down.

"I'm sorry," she whispered so quietly my ears strained to pick up her voice.

I wrapped my arm around waist and pulled her forward. She yelped as my wrist touched her tailbone and I winced along with her. Lying down, I pulled her on top of me, chest to chest and her head tucked under my chin. The anger was gone completely and replaced with the exhaustion that I was used to feeling by now.

"I acted wrongly," I murmured.

She shook her head. As always, she denied the truth of my words and believed the lies. But it was my fault, I had broken her down to a shell of a woman and continued to pick until I wormed my way in.

Her body trembled against mine with each breath she took. My eyes wrenched shut and I tried to ignore everything but the heat of her skin against mine.

--

Bella wriggled uncomfortably beside me in her seat. I had bought goose down pillows to put against the leather but she was still in pain.

We had left the city and were somewhere in Oregon. I burned furniture drenched in our scent to deter the nomads from catching onto anything. The burnt smell would spread around the area for days before they figured out that we were gone.

The worry dominated most of my focus, which was a good thing considering Bella had been traveling with her pants around her knees. I deserved the torture of an erection for hours on end after the damage I had caused her. Welts littered her ass and thighs, large ones had bled if she moved too much. I hadn't controlled my strength; I put too much pressure and hurt her.

I hung my head in shame the remaining time were in Washington, but Bella was constantly arguing that she had deserved it and that she was sorry.

It infuriated me beyond all reason.

Bella tugged on my right arm with timid fingers and I looked at her brown eyes that pleaded with me. My brow lifted from the glare I was casting on the road and I smiled at her.

"Where do we go from here?" she asked.

I sighed. "Wherever the wind takes us, or until we can acquire some help."

"Do you know anyone who can help?" she looked hopeful.

"Not a soul." Her face fell. "From what James said and thought, my sire is east."

"So, do we go and find him? Is it safe to?"

"Before he created me he was adamant about not killing humans. I don't think he would change his ways so easily, his will was too strong. Depending on how he views me—a creature which he abandoned—and how he lives his life now, we might be able to find an ally. But I also saw that he's taken a mate."

"If he has a mate wouldn't he be more inclined to help?" Bella nearly whispered this.

The back of my neck pricked with what would have been sweat. Awkwardness filled the car and I slipped in between two tractor-trailers to get onto the merge exit. The hand on my arm slipped to my thigh as Bella squeezed and closed her eyes at the near collision of the cars I pulled in front of. I laughed loudly and she breathed out her gasp.

"You act like I'd crash," I teased.

"You almost did!" she shrieked. "Pull up to this gas station; I have to use the bathroom."

I pulled along the side of the station and waited until Bella had the key from the clerk and was safely locked inside before I filled up the tank. I listened intently for a predator that would try and get into the women's bathroom and was happily pleased when Bella walked out, waved at me and returned the key.

--

Night had fallen; Bella was lying across the back of my Volvo, deeply asleep after fifteen hours of driving. I was going until I was further east. My goal was to make it to Illinois by sometime soon. Chicago was my destination in all of this after all.

Whenever I had troubled times in my life I would go to Chicago and visit the place I'd grown up in as a human. Somehow with Bella in the backseat of my car traveling along with me, I felt more accomplished. I wondered what she would think of my human home, the hospital where I'd died as a human, and the small wooden house that my sire had brought me to while I changed.

I wondered if she would come to the cemetery where my parents were buried and share in the unfettered grief that I always gorged on.

It had been ten year since I'd gone back and I wanted to see all that had changed. I wanted to see my old room with the multicolored floorboards that my father had to replace because I was a rowdy child who liked to splinter them with my new shoes that my mother bought. I longed for the photo albums that were so rare for middleclass families to have, but my mother always paid for pictures of me and my father every year.

The feeling of want penetrated me thickly and the depression sunk down on me. I hadn't had much of it before, vampires didn't take to emotional distress as humans did, but thinking of the faded memories that I didn't want to leave had a sob caked in my throat.

Bella stirred behind me and groaned into her pillow. The sound darted to my groin and she shifted again, this time releasing a leg from the confines of her blanket. I turned up the heat.

I was half focusing on the milky white of her thigh that led to the swell of her ass and half on the trucks around me that were going for an overnight haul as well. Bella grabbed my attention once more as she turned her head to face me and lifted an arm over her head. The movement of her elbow dropping the blanket and presented me with a lovely sight of her shirt bunched under her breasts and her lower half almost completely naked.

A truck beside me honked its horn as I swerved a bit out of my lane. The lust was intergrading its way into my vision while blocking out my senses. So many hours in the car didn't only affect Bella.

I turned the radio on and picked the first station without static, putting it loud enough for only me to hear.

I merged quickly and drove through a small area lined with strip clubs and malls, ignoring several women who came up to my car at red lights. I threw my jacket over Bella's legs and tried to keep the venom down. The scent of drugs, sex and blood were heady and I wanted nothing more than to get out and indulge myself.

Bella groaned and opened her eyes. "So bright," she mumbled.

"We're passing through to the next merge way," I whispered. "Do you need to use the restroom?"

She nodded and lay back down as I drove along, searching for a spot with the least amount of felons surrounding it. There was a dirty convenience store down a street lined with houses one on top of the other. I pulled into a tight spot and threw Bella her jeans.

"Where are we?" she asked.

"South Dakota, once we get onto route ninety we can go on until Iowa where there's a merge for eighty."

She frowned at me as she pulled on her pants. "Where are we going?"

"Illinois," I answered and got out of the car.

"Why Illinois? Do you think he's there?"

I extended my hand to help her up on shaky legs. "No, I don't think he's there. He's probably further east, most likely up north, but Chicago is a good place to stop and regroup. It's better than driving around aimlessly."

"I agree." She nodded as we entered the store. The clerk scrutinized us as we walked in. "Do you have a bathroom?" Bella asked sheepishly.

The clerk handed over the key, and while I gave Bella some privacy I looked around the store for things she might need in the morning. I grabbed a basket full of food, a gallon of milk, some paper eating wear and utensils along with a couple other things. We wouldn't be stopping for a while after this.

When we were both done, Bella and I went back out to the car. She scrambled to the back seat and pulled off her pants again, falling asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.

I merged onto the highway and tried to focus on the glaring red lights of the cars in front of me and the yellow blinkers, the orange roadway signs and darkness under the bridges instead of the anxiety that came with the thought of my childhood home.

--

"This is taking forever," Bella sighed.

"Only a couple more hours," I argued back.

"Why are we going out this far? Couldn't we have gone to California, or Florida? Somewhere, you know, nice." Her eyes narrowed at the gray sky and the wind picked, smacking fat raindrops on the windshield.

"I'd have to stay inside all day."

She pursed her lips. "You'd be a real vampire."

I threw my head back and laughed. "Yes, a real testy vampire who _you_ would have to keep entertained."

"I've never had a problem in the past." She winked at me and laughed. Bella was going a bit stir crazy being locked up with me.

I stopped off at a Howard Jonson to let her bathe and sleep in a real bed for a while. I hunted only finding rabbits and squirrels, a few doe on the outskirts of town, but nothing to put away for future traveling reference.

We were close now, only a few hours off our mark and the tension surrounding us was hanging down from the from the roof of the car like oxygen masks. Bella wanted a bed, I wanted Bella, we were both going to be getting what we wanted in the end.

"Why Chicago?" she asked and stretched her arms over her head. Her chest pushed out with unrestrained breasts and hard nipples from the open window.

"I have a house there," I answered distractedly.

She put her arms down and looked at me with a stunned expression. "You have a house there? Why? You've been in Washington for three years."

"And several places before that," I said. "The house belonged to my parents before they passed." She gasped. "I bought the house with a fake name, since I had 'died' during the influenza. I pay to keep it restored and in proper condition."

"After all these years." She was trying to pull information out of me. I never told her much about my past, only the basics of what defined me.

"Yes, I respect my parents, even if I don't remember them fully."

"Is it hard?" she whispered.

I smirked. "It's always hard."

"Edward, I'm serious!"

"No, it's not hard," I lied. "I don't remember them; I can't even remember my mother's face clearly without looking at a picture first. They're gone, dead, as all humans wind up being."

"I don't think it would be so bad," she murmured as her eyes moved to the window. "I'm leaving my family now and I don't feel awful like I should."

"Because you'll be going back. You're not a blood drinking monster who would kill them the second you came in contact."

"I could be," she whispered.

I jerked the car to the shoulder of the road and she screamed at the sudden movement. I was leaning over her an instant later. Her eyes were wide mouth gaping and I grasped her jaw in my hand, trying to resist the urge to squeeze.

"Don't _say_ that," I hissed. "Don't you ever fucking say that."

"Why won't you change me?" she mumbled awkwardly with my hand still gripping her jaw. Tears sprung in her eyes and I let go, but realized too late it wasn't from pain.

"What the hell do you mean, Bella?" I growled and leaned back into my seat. My thumb and forefinger pinched the bridge of my nose.

"Why can't you just change me? If I was like you we wouldn't have to run away from those vampires. Or does this go back to before? If I'm not human would you throw me away like I'm certain you would?" I said nothing and she fumbled with her seatbelt, sitting on her knees. "Say something! Defend yourself!"

"I have nothing to say. You're not being changed."

"Fine," she yelled and yanked her door open.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," I hissed and was out of the car a second later.

She was walking into the woods on the side of the highway. Bella threw her leg over a chain link fence and vaulted herself over. She stumbled but stuck the landing. I was yelling after her the entire way. Once I was out of sight from the highway I ran towards her and threw her over my shoulder.

"No!" she screeched.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" I asked angrily.

"I'm going into the woods to get eaten by a bear," she sneered. "Maybe if I'm lucky I'll find a vampire and they'll use me as a snack."

"That's ridiculous," I sighed.

"Why won't you change me?" she screamed again.

"Bella shut your fucking mouth." She stopped making noises and I set her down her feet again. She was crying silent tears but her face was red in anger.

"Stop controlling me," she mumbled. "You control everything."

"You're damn right I control everything. You're a human and I'm a vampire, I win over control."

"I'm not a child."

"Obviously," I sighed. Her face lifted a bit. "You are still a child. Nineteen years old is a fraction of my life and you know not what to do with yours if you want to waste away eternity."

She flamed with anger. "You don't know anything," her voice was quiet and threatening.

"I know what I need to." With that I turned and picked Bella up, squeezing her tightly to my chest and hopping back over the fence.

Her screeching was lost on me as I threw her into the back seat and put on the child locks. I drove toward the Illinois limits and sighed as I crossed into the state. Bella stopped her punching and kicking at the upholstery after an hour or so, she collapsed in on herself and curled up into a ball, sobbing and crying weakly.

When we reached the house, old and brown with climbing green tendrils up the side, she was asleep and whimpering in her dreams. Her arms pushed me away when I pulled her to my chest.

A hole tore in my stomach as I set her down on my old human bed and watched as her arms curled around her knees, rocking in unconsciousness.

* * *

**A/N: So much drama.**

**I don't normally advertise within stories, but I think this is something everyone should know about.**

**The Fandom Gives Back is going on right now with author auctions to support the fight against childhood cancers. Cancer is something that runs in my family and I've witnessed the effects first hand.**

**I'm auctioning a boat load of stories and even a collaboration with Kitschisme for a one-shot. You can check out my profile for a link to the Fandom Gives Back web page and to see what craziness I'm willing to write. I'll just have to give up recreational reading for a month or so.**

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	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Election Day means no school, and I'm having a fantabulous morning. Here's hoping you're all having one, too. :)**

* * *

_May_

---

Bella

---

It was late in the morning when I woke up, groggy and sore. The ticking of a clock told me it was two thirty in the afternoon but the overcast skies made me believe otherwise.

I was startled upright when I realized that I was not in my room but in an old creaky bed with quilts piled high on top of me. I shivered back into them, chilled and a bit scared. That was before I remembered the hours spent in the car with Edward, and the fight we'd had on the side of the road. At the time I wanted to express my freedom and ideas… now I just wanted to make it through the day without eliciting his wrath.

I swung my legs over the side of the bed, and upon feeling the cold wood floor, brought them back up. The mattress formed to my body and was way too warm to even think of leaving.

But I didn't have to because Edward was knocking on the door the second my knees were being hugged to my chest. I closed my eyes and lay down, pulling the sheets up to my chin.

"Come in," I called quietly.

The heavy wood door creaked open and Edward walked in with a tray of food. My stomach keened in appreciation.

He smiled a little at me and I sat up to accept the tray. The silence between us was stifling, something I wasn't used to. I ate and he read, I complimented his cooking skills as always and he nodded his head a bit.

"I'm sorry about the way I acted," I finally mumbled.

The tension was laid on thicker as he shifted and closed the book to look at me. The moment of truth of was before us and I was scared to see what he would do or say. My throat bubbled up with saliva to swallow, but I remained motionless.

His gold eyes met mine, dark and tired. An arm wrapped around my shoulders and he pulled me closer to him until I was tucked into his side. We lay together and he turned his face into my neck and threw his unoccupied arm across my stomach, palm pressing against my indented bellybutton.

The intimacy in that moment was stifling. I felt the emotions rising from the tip of my toes to my moist eyes and we stayed there in companionable silence.

"It was wrong of me to say those things," he murmured into my neck.

"I acted out first," I argued quietly.

"Had I been more appropriate in answering your question you wouldn't have felt the need to lash out. I should have known that so many hours in a confined space would make you uneasy and I continually argued with you despite your obvious dissatisfaction."

"Maybe," I whispered. "But I don't think anything you said was something you haven't already."

"I don't think you're weak."

"Yes you do."

He hesitated. "It's who I am."

"I wouldn't have you any other way."

We said nothing for several hours, and when the evening came I stood to use the bathroom. The bathtub sang to me in seductive tones and lulling calmness, a promise of relaxation and desire. The tub was enormous, looking like it could fit a party of ten. It was claw foot with a large silver faucet that could probably pour gallons in minutes.

I sighed aloud and spun the ring above the nozzle. The pipes groaned and creaked but water came gushing out. I watched it fill; thinking that the tub would have a crack somewhere for its age, but it filled and I squeezed lavender bath soap in.

When I sank into the inviting warmth Edward walked in with towels. His eyes asked to join me and I waved my arms in the pile of bubbles around me.

His shirt was gone in a second and when his hands were on his belt he stopped, looked up at me watching him, and grinned.

The belt came off slowly and he shimmied his pants down in a way that made my body much hotter. His game didn't last long and he was slipping behind me a moment after.

Our intimacy astounded me a bit. I'd lied with Edward before, taken baths with him plenty of times, but something was different. His apology was genuine and he was showing me. He found me weak, probably wouldn't ever change me, would leave when I got older and more human, and so I chose to cherish these kinds of moments with him.

One hand came to my thigh and the other stretched along the rim of the tub. My head rested comfortably on his shoulder and I closed my eyes.

"What were you thinking the first time you saw me?" he asked softly.

My eyes opened. We didn't talk about this. Edward never asked me about the time before, when he was a fixture in my room and I never asked about his past. We always obeyed those silent rules, so why break them?

"I thought…" I thought for a moment. "I thought you were a murderer. Maybe that you were a rapist or something, but I saw your eyes and you didn't make a move to touch me or anything, so I just thought that you were… I don't know, Edward."

"Explain it, what were you feeling?" he seemed a bit desperate.

"I felt fear, the worst kind. It was like this icicle was lodged in my spine and I was afraid to sleep because the nightmares were worse than the reality. Did you come near me when I was sleeping?" I turned my head to look at him and he nodded guiltily. "I had a feeling; the closer you were the worse the dreams were. One night I had a dream you tried to kill me."

"I had no intentions of killing you," he said quietly.

"We both know you're lying. You're a vampire; you didn't hunt me to stay in my room and terrify me, or help me with homework. You had every intention and right to kill me."

"Killing isn't a right, Bella. It's a sin, it's disgusting, and it's the only way I can live. I destroy things for the sake of existing."

"You have every right to kill. It's in your nature, you kill to live, it's fair. I've long ago accepted this, why can't you?"

"This isn't _living_," he snapped. "This is punishment. This is hell incarnate."

"I don't agree," I whispered.

"You know nothing." His arms were taught around me.

"And you're selfish." At that he spun me around and my back was pressing against the other side of the tub and he was across from me, eyes blackened.

"I know that, I've told you a thousand times."

I lost it, angry and confused. "You keep saying it! Oh, how horrible you are, how awful everything is and how it's a miserable existence with nothing but darkness like a disturbed poet! If your life is really that bad… you spend all your time around me, so am I really awful company?"

"That's not what I mean, Bella, and you know it," he said angrily.

"The bloodlust sucks, I get it, but you've basically conquered it. Remember the other night when I got a paper cut? You didn't even flinch, you helped me clean it and get a band aid, so what's so wrong?"

"What's _wrong_?" he snarled. I flinched back into the tub and tried not to tremble. "Do you think its _right_ to terrify a child? To sit in their room and threaten them with death or anyone else for that matter, do you think that's right?"

Though the question was rhetorical I answered anyway. "No." He looked dejectedly triumphant. "But you aren't who you were back then. You're different now—very different."

He laughed humorlessly and put a hand up to wipe at his eyes exasperatedly. "Oh, you naïve thing. You know who I am here—barely—but before you I was a terrible thing. My sire left me because I didn't stick to his dietary plans, I enjoyed the thrill of hunting humans, and I left him."

I gaped at him. My brain rushed with thoughts that were too fast to distinguish. Edward. He wasn't the victim in all of this, but some part of me still wanted him to be. And all of this, everything we had gone through could be for the sake of just killing me.

He leaned his head back and watched me carefully as I processed what he said. The shock wouldn't move from my face, but I swallowed and looked at him again.

"S-so?" I nearly whimpered.

"You can't play it off, Bella. You've been too accepting even though it clearly bothers you."

"Why are you hunting animals now?" I asked quietly.

He wiped his face clean of emotion and leaned forward. "Being in such a small town then… people would have been curious. Animals were my only option."

"Why didn't you just kill me?" my voice broke.

His face twisted into a disgusted look and he moved closer to me, the water in between us not a problem for his grace. He was leonine and predatory in every way as he stretched his arms out on either side of my head and grabbed the edge of the tub.

My breathing picked up when I caught his eyes staring down at me, the water from his chest dripping onto my shoulders and neck.

"I didn't kill you," he answered.

A finger traced down my chattering jaw. "Why," I breathed.

His hands went underneath the water and grabbed my waist, hoisting me up into the cold air so I was sitting on the edge. He was kneeling before me now, his hands folded in my lap like he was praying, and his lips touched my chest over my heart.

"Maybe," he rasped. "I can do one good thing. A monster can still be… useful."

His hand slid from my hip to the inside of thigh and he spread my legs. He kissed my femoral artery and hissed. I tried to close my legs, not falling for his diversion act.

"No," I whispered. His head snapped up and I managed to mash my thighs together. "Why did you want to know?"

"I was curious," he answered quickly and spread my legs again.

"Don't, Edward. You lied to me," I accused.

"I did," he amended quietly.

My jaw started to quiver and before the tears started to spill he slid back to the side of the tub and I slipped down from the edge. We stared at each other, our nude flesh a symbol of our souls.

"Just tell me please," I pleaded.

"Bella," his voice was hard and his eyes narrowed. But the dimmed onyx of his eyes told me he was done arguing. "I didn't find it necessary."

"You've been lying to me about trying to find him, telling me that you've stayed in Washington because you had a _feeling_ he was there." A sob escaped my throat. "Why were you really there? Why did you stay?"

His shoulders hunched up and his jaw set. "I… this is ridiculous, I refuse to answer stupid questions."

I don't know why, maybe I was desperate to get away from him and that perfectly untruthful face, but I blew out my breath and ducked under water. I screamed until my eyes hurt with pressure. When I gurgled a choke I was pulled out and sitting on the counter. Edward's wide, angry eyes were frantically looking over my face and he growled at me. Honestly _growled_.

"What the fuck was that?" I shrunk back and the tears washed away by the bath water were back. "Bella, stop it!"

"I hate you!" I screeched.

His hands retracted from my body and I slipped off the counter and back into the room I was in before. I locked the door even though it wouldn't keep him away, but I hoped it would send some kind of a message.

--

If I didn't know any better I would have thought Edward had left the house. I was lost in the silence with only the sound of my whaling sobs and muffled cries. The bedroom confined my noises and made them louder to my ears, and soon enough I was laying on my stomach, sniffling and letting stray tears soak into the cotton pillowcase.

Somehow, more than anything that had been said in the bathtub, the fact that Edward had lied to me weighed the heaviest on my heart. We avoided certain topics, I understood that, but it made me wonder what else I had asked him about and had a lie spouted to me.

Everything I told him was the truth. He could pick up my pulse anyway but I had always given my honest thoughts. Was it selfish to want the same respect back?

I pulled the thick afghan up to my cheek and wiped away the cold trail. When I was a kid and had a bad day at school I would cuddle up on the couch with my grandmother's afghans and my mom would go out and buy chocolate mint ice cream with the hard chocolate shell and any candy I wanted on top. When I was too full Renee would curl up with me and watch a movie.

I wished she was there, telling me it was okay and that things would blow over. She always had the friendship quality about her; it made up for her immaturity to have someone to talk with.

After what seemed like forever, I was on my side looking at the door. My eyes focused on the knob and I wished more than once Edward would come in and say something—something that didn't make me cry again.

I had come to realize long ago that I met the standards for an abusive relationship, that I had become dependent on Edward when I should have been pushing him away. But I could acknowledge it and accept it and I didn't care.

I had no choice, and I doubted anyone had ever gotten to know him like I had. Truth be told… my reaction to him before, one that had been of terror and fear, was now a desperate need to keep him with me.

It reminded me of a girl in Arizona when I was a kid. She got kidnapped by someone and when the police caught up with him she wouldn't testify because she loved him. In the end he wound up with another woman and she killed herself. I buried my face into the pillow and groaned.

Was it so bad that I loved my abductor? Probably.

I sat up in bed and hugged the blanket to my chest. I finally looked around the room and realized with a fright that I was in Edward's home. I had been asking him for a bigger part of him and the entire time I was within it. Everything about the room didn't seem like Edward besides the old feeling. There was cherry wood furniture that looked aged and well worn. The floor had small nicks in it and different shades of planks were fitted where there were cracks. It looked more like a child's room.

I stood, shivering as the cold air hit my skin. I walked to the dresser and started to pull open the drawers. There was a white button up shirt, thin and cotton, smaller than what Edward wore. I slipped my arms through and though it nearly hung to my knees the shoulders and arm lengths were perfect.

The drawer smelled faintly of mothballs and reminded me of Charlie. My bottom lip quivered a bit but I continued to look through the dresser. There were pants below the shirts, and then below that socks and something that was reminiscent of a twentieth century novel, something that looked like bloomers. I snorted a laugh and covered my mouth.

I closed the drawer and then looked at the pictures of top of it. There was a woman with dark hair and bright eyes; she had freckles across the bridge of her nose and on her cheeks. She was beside an older man, beautiful and wise looking. Between them they cradled a small baby, a hand tucked to its lip. The photo was aged and black and white. There was a sepia print with a little boy in it, he had a fishing pole resting on his shoulder and a wide smile for the camera.

I moved my attention to a jewelry box. It was silver and had floral patterns in a masculine way. Inside it was lined in felt and had a small gold cross. I rubbed my finger over the smooth surface and closed it gently, glancing quickly at the door.

I moved around the rest of the room, analyzing everything and wondering why Edward would have a room like this in his house. My eyes went back to the little boy with the fishing pole. Familiarity hit me hard.

I picked it up, gentle with the silver frame. I scrutinized it, looked the little boy in the eye and bit my lip when it hit me.

"No way," I gasped.

I stumbled backwards and fell to the floor with a thud, but the throb of impact was gone as I looked around the room. My hands shook around the frame and my eyes were frantically darting around the room.

I was in _Edward's human home_.

Everything about it, from the worn floor to the beat up furniture, gave insight to a happy little boy jumping around. Things had been kept up and there was no dust, but I lifted a hand and touched the shirt I was wearing. He wore this decades ago when he was human and breathing, running around and just like me.

I scrambled to my feet, banging my knee on the bed. I felt like a toddler on Christmas, my feet padding against the wood floor and going from room to room looking for Edward. I went to a door down the hall, it was more mature and I stopped to stare at it for a moment.

His… parents? I stepped inside and on the nightstand there was a picture, the same as the two in his room. The woman was in a wedding dress, high necked and lacey, and the man was in a suit, accentuating his broad shoulders. He looked so much like Edward.

I ran from the room and then down the staircase a little slower so I wouldn't fall. Edward was in the living room with a book perched on his lap and his eyes raised to the stairs.

He shut the book and placed it to the side as I walked forward and shoved the picture at him wordlessly. He grabbed it, glanced at it quickly and looked up at me expectantly.

"That's you," I accused.

He nodded. "Nineteen oh nine."

I swallowed and spoke through a dry throat. "How old were you?"

"This was midsummer I believe," he pursed his lips. "I had just turned eight."

"And… your parents?"

"Yes," he answered promptly.

I sat on the other side of the couch, staring at the wall in front of me, lined with pictures of… Edward. He was in a bassinet towards the left side of the room, in his father's arms the next, on a small tricycle grinning with a few missing teeth. And the pictures stopped when he looked as though he was coming out of puberty.

"Why do the pictures stop?" I asked quietly.

"I have housekeepers who come every month. I can't risk having anyone recognize me."

I nodded and continued to look around. A huge wooden bookshelf was towards the back of the house, lined with thick volumes and what appeared to be some kind of binders.

I sucked in a deep breath, and walked to the shelf. The books were all about law, nineteenth and twentieth century rules and terms, a dictionary and other kinds of planners with numbers scrawled in them. The binders were photo albums.

The oldest one was brown and the spine was split and cracked. The leather smelled old and warm as I looked at the front cover. "Edward Ages 1-3" was written on the front in a neat cursive. I looked back at him and he was looking at me. His hand patted the back of the couch for me to come.

I sat down and beside him, on the same cushion this time. The tension between us was gone when I spoke. "May I look at it?"

He nodded his head and flipped open the front cover. The first picture was of Edward's parents again, the same from up stairs but larger. The second page was Edward's mother, but her stomach was large and round and she held it reverently.

"She's beautiful," I murmured.

"She was," Edward remarked quietly. "My father never let her forget it."

The next page was the first baby picture. A small infant was dressed in a white gown with his eyes closed and lips parted. One hand was under his chin and the other was tucked by his side.

"You know," I said. "You were a pretty cute kid."

He laughed a little and turned the page to some smaller pictures of him at different points during his first year and I became completely enthralled by the story of his life.

For three hours we sat on the couch bathed in candlelight as I went through album after album. His mother wrote small notes next to certain pictures. He had allergies in the spring and didn't like milk but still drank a warm glass before he went to bed every night.

At age twelve the albums stopped. I curled into his side and asked about certain things, sometimes he didn't know because his human memories were foggy and unclear. The longing in his eyes when he looked intently at each photo, as if he was seeing it for the first time, instead of having been there was heartbreaking.

And maybe for the first time I understood why he didn't want me to be like him. The way he looked at his mother, with solemn eyes made me wonder how it would feel to long for someone so much.

Around two a.m., when I was tired and we were sitting in companionable silence, the fighting and the arguing that had been consuming us was a distant flicker in the eternal flame. It was the closest thing to romance I'd ever experienced.

Edward picked me up, my legs over his arm and my head on his shoulder. He brought me his room, placing me gently on his small bed and pulled the blankets over our heads when he rolled on top of me.

Though all I could see was black, I was sure he saw me with perfect clarity.

"What would everyone think if they knew you had a girl in your bed," I whispered and blindly groped for his shoulders. My fingers found his jaw and I traced over his cheek.

"I would be put in Sunday school for three extra hours," he whispered. "My father might have whipped me for ruining your reputation."

"I don't think I would mind." His body shook the bed with laughter and I grinned in response.

"I think," he murmured and his lips touched my neck. My breath hitched. "If the punishment will be that extensive we should get our fill."

His finger flicked open the bottom button of my shirt open and the days in the car full of sexual tension came back as my legs wrapped around his naked waist.

* * *

**A/N: November is a crazy month, so in advance I'd like to say that updates won't be regular.**

**This is the last month of college applications and a lot of open houses at schools, it's my birthday month, Thanksgiving and also NaNoWriMo.**

**If you want to stay in touch with me and my nonsensical gibberish I'm on Twitter, RosetteCullen, if you can't find me the link's on my profile. It's locked so I don't have to deal with porn accounts and crazy webcam girls. **

**Don't forget to review!**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: College applications will be done some time next week which means more time for writing, and definitely more time for fanfiction. Hoorah.**

**Also, please note that the Fandom Gives Back auction in Sunday, the 15th (tomorrow) and I have a lot of things up for auction at reasonable prices. Everything I'm auctioning off is on my profile page, prices and link to my thread included.**

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_June_

---

Edward

---

"You mean… there's no… air conditioning?"

"No, Bella, none whatsoever."

"Edward…" she whined.

I breathed in deeply. "Yes, Bella?"

She pulled the book from my hands and placed it face down on the table. She straddled my lap and I much preferred her company over ink and paper.

We had spent little over a week in my home and the nostalgia was hitting me harder every day. Bella had been a good distraction, but I found myself looking through albums and tracing the shape of my mother's face and trying to remember the laugh lines. Almost all memories of my father were gone. I knew his passion for my mother and his love of law, but nothing more.

Bella pushed her tits in my face and her blistering hot thighs squeezed around my waist. If it weren't for the sun I would've taken her down to the creek I used to spend days like these in.

"I'm hot," she breathed. I slid my cold hands over her waist and back. Goosebumps broke out along her hips.

"I already know that." I unsnapped her bra. She'd been walking around in her lingerie since she gotten out of the shower. It fell in between us and I licked each nipple until it pebbled.

She pursed her lips and pressed her chest flush against mine. "No, I'm hot and bored."

"You were bored last night, too." I pulled her panties in half and she yelped in surprise but grinned up at me. "But I managed to cork your mouth closed."

She flushed and I threw my head back in a laugh.

"I'm serious! It's hot as hell and the sun will be gone in a couple hours…" she fingered the collar of my shirt. "If I'm supposed to suffer through this heat I'd rather be doing it in a… fun way."

I pushed her onto the coffee table and spread her thighs. She leaned up on her elbows and I put my mouth on her. My tongue pushed in to lubricate for my fingers and her body shivered.

In a matter of time her legs were shaking and she was whimpering and crying my name. I withheld her orgasm, after hours of complaining this was simple retribution.

--

I was concerned that bringing Bella to this place—something that had been a sacred shrine among uncertainty—would make things difficult between the two of us. I felt relief, though. It was a strange feeling that I didn't particularly like.

The first night we stayed here I watched her sleep in my old human bed. My grandfather had carved it from an old oak that had fallen during a storm. I'd had it since I was a kid and on the side my initials were carved all over it. When Bella and I were finished sating our needs and she had passed out from exhaustion, I lay on my side and focused on her wrapped in my old quilts and afghans.

Boys my age when I was human were not allowed to have girls alone. Only when married was it acceptable and I had never imagined myself finding a woman to marry. I idolized the life of a soldier and even though my father had wanted me to follow in his footsteps of becoming a lawyer I was too stubborn and readily willing to join the military when I turned eighteen.

But, in nineteen eighteen, if I had happened upon Bella, I became unsure of myself. Sure, I had thought about scenarios that would have avoided the Spanish Flu, or my sire changing me, even my lifestyle choices on dietary habits, but this I was unsure about.

Appealing to my human side, Bella was what my mother had warned me to look for. Smart, sophisticated, attractive in a sense that she appealed to me in more than just lust, my mother would have been proud.

For my vampire side, instincts ruled. There was no need to look for beauty or intelligence, we all had equal appeal and depending on age we were all beyond our years in intelligence. Most of my kind looked for what their instincts led them to. Depending on their sexual nature they fled towards those like themselves, those that hunted like they did and someone who wouldn't annoy them for all of eternity.

There had been few people I'd spent as much time around as I had with Bella. Her quiet thoughts, human tendencies, the mystery that was her mind, they all had certain things that intrigued and made me _want_ to be around her.

The more she bombarded me with her questions about the fate of her humanity the more unsure I became. As it was we were running from a triage of nomadic vampires hell bent on finding her and doing who knows what because of me. She had a point—a ridiculous one—that having her changed would do more good than harm. She would have the advantage of newborn strength and senses and if I gorged myself on human blood once she was changed we would have enough strength between the two us to kill all three of them.

But afterwards I would have to deal with Bella as a vampire. There were distinct advantages of her being a human, and why would I put an end to a good thing?

A week and a half after being in the house I became restless. My instincts were warning me to move. I had been in one spot too long and I felt the necessity to go further east. The only choice I had left to protect myself and Bella was to find him.

He was in New Hampshire when James thought of him, the strange gold-eyed man who I'd left. I wondered what he would think upon seeing me. His once desired pupil to take on his absurd way of thinking, who had left for the desire of human blood, oh, how he'd wonder what became of me.

I packed our belongings and set them downstairs by the door before Bella awoke. Her curiosity about me was never ending so I grabbed one of the albums for her. Things had changed so much in the past few months.

Bella stood at the top of the stairs, rubbing an arm over her eyes and swaying a bit. She had a quilt wrapped around her shoulders and her hair was mussed everywhere.

"Why aren't you in bed?" she mumbled groggily.

I ran up to the landing and picked her up to haul her back to bed. "We're leaving in the morning."

She snapped awake and wiggled her legs against my grip. "No, why? I like it here, why do we have to leave?"

"We've been in one place too long. By now they know we're not in Washington, they're probably heading this way right now."

"But they won't know we're here," she argued and fisted her sheets in the bed, as if that would keep her grounded. "We can stay just a little longer, right? You said you were going to show me around to the places you used to go to and—and we're in Chicago! There are so many more things to see and do!"

"Being here right now is a risk, Bella." My jaw hardened without my consent. "We need to go further east."

Her arguing was cut off and she went silent. "You're going to find him, aren't you?"

I didn't have to answer to make it clear what my intentions were. She sighed and got up, mumbling about how she wouldn't be able to go back to sleep anyhow. She showered and dressed in silence and within the hour we were on the road, sparing a fleeting glance back at the house.

--

Bella and I had spent the first two hours of driving in silence; six a.m. didn't set well with Bella, especially since she was brooding.

"You're acting a lot like me," I joked.

"Do you think your mother would like me?" she blurted and her face flushed bright red. Her hands came up to smack her cheeks as she hid herself.

I was caught off guard and swerved the car into the lane next to me. The semi behind me honked its horn and I sped up before he could catch my license plate.

The road ahead was clear and there were no distractions to keep me from the intense awkwardness that I'd never felt around her before. My leg bounced on the dead pedal, a nervous habit which as a vampire I didn't have.

"Why does that… what do you mean?" I sighed.

Bella spoke into her hands, voice muffled and quiet. "Never mind."

"No, explain." I pulled down one of her hands gently. "Fuck."

She was crying, and not the girly tears that she did every now and then, or the angry violent ones that she'd had in the tub. These were thin streaks of never ending tears that made her cheeks blotchy. She sucked mucus up her nose and pulled her hand back to wipe at the tears.

"Sorry," she muttered and dug in the glove box for a tissue.

I breathed in deeply. We remained silent for awhile, listening to the songs playing on the radio.

Unbeknownst to her, I thought deeply on that topic the night before. I refused to dwell on it anymore and focused every ounce of attention on the road.

Two hours into the silence Bella began to speak. "What's your sire's name?"

My fingers twitched, I ignored it. "Carlisle."

She nodded thoughtfully. "Carlisle…"

"Carlisle Cullen," I sighed.

Bella remained silent for a few moments, chewing it over in her mind. "Why did you take his name?"

"I'm not sure," I answered truthfully.

"There has to be a reason for it—everything you do has a reason."

"True, but I suppose it has more to do with the fact that I no longer hold humanity and therefore I've more or less cut off my mortal ties."

"What about the house?"

"That's an obligation to my parents. My father worked day and night to make enough money to give that to my mother and me."

Bella pursed her lips. "Was Carlisle like… an immortal father?"

I looked at her out of the corner of my eye and she was completely focused on me, on the edge of her seat in anticipation of my answer. Talking about Carlisle unsettled me and the last moments that we were together weren't my fondest memories.

"He took me in when I was dying, was beyond patient with my childish antics and slipups. He preached the word of God and when I defied him he put the fear of it in me. In a way I needed that order and strict law to abide by. I suppose in the end none of it mattered."

"I disagree," Bella piped up immediately. "You may have left Carlisle but you're still a person." I cocked an eyebrow at her. "You _are_ a person, regardless of what you think. When you left him you didn't kill children and elderly, you killed street rats and murderers. You're a good man in a bad situation."

My knuckles tightened around the steering wheel. My irritation came back with the double the vigor and I wanted to smash into something.

"You're always justifying," I snapped. "There's nothing good—nothing rewarding about _this_."

She sighed and rubbed one of her temples. "Why do you always have to fight with me?"

"Maybe if you knew what the hell you're talking about I wouldn't have to," I snapped.

She unbuckled her seatbelt and sat up on her knees, like the time she bolted from the car. I focused all my attention on her movements. Her eyes bore into my head but I refused to look at her. Eye contact would only intensify my anger.

"Maybe if you told me what I need to know I wouldn't have to make assumptions. It's always like this! I'm tired of taboo; I'm tired of avoiding subjects I want to know _everything_, Edward!"

"You want to know?" I yelled and jerked the car to the curb before slamming on the breaks. She tumbled forward and hit the side of her head on the dash.

I grabbed her arm and pulled her forward, my shoulder breaking the seatbelt strapped across my chest. She was in pain, but I didn't give a damn. This little girl had been pissing me off, talking about things she shouldn't know, and now, when I was trying not to just snap her neck I realized what I'd actually gotten myself into.

"Do you want to know what the hell really goes on, Bella? Let me tell you since you're _dying _to know." My hand coiled around her shoulder tighter.

"No, Edward, it hurts," she yelled and began to thrash around in my grip.

"The first person I killed was a seven-year-old little girl." Her eyes snapped up to mine and her mouth fell open. "She skinned her knee on the church playground and Carlisle wasn't strong enough to stop me. I killed her, and I had no regret afterward except that her blood was too little."

"That's not—"

"_Shut up_," I snapped. "After that I willingly left Carlisle and I didn't come back. I killed everyone I saw, rapists and murderers, yes, but I also killed children. I was going to kill you, I _should_ kill you right now."

That snapped her senses and she began to move against me. I held on without trying to and she started to scream, kick, slap, spit, cry, none of it affected me. I was going to do it, after three years I was honestly going to kill her, drain her dry and dispose of the body and then kill those nomads.

"God, it hurts!" she shrieked. "_Stop!_ Please, stop, please Edward!"

Tears streamed down her face and the entire time I remained motionless. Her heart was pumping violently and then her sweat matted hair was covered in something else.

I saw the trickle come down and spatter on the passenger seat before I smelled it. I had been holding my breath to control the imminent snapping of my teeth around her throat, but I was looking at… at everything I'd been working towards. That tiny speckle of red that fell from her temple to her chin was pure sin.

Bella was still screaming and thrashing, looking desperately at passing cars. A green sedan saw her and screeched to a stop in front of us. And reality set in.

I was trying not to do it, I honestly was, and I was having an internal struggle that told to me to kill the other two coming towards the car and then fuck with Bella's head before I killed her. I had her strangled emotionally, smothered physically and her entire world was in my right hand, gripping onto her bruised fragile skin.

"Tell them to back off or I'll kill all three of you," I growled silently.

She shook and one of the men broke through the driver's side window, hitting with me some kind of metal pipe. I ignored it, not daring to make a move.

"Hey!" he yelled. The other was around Bella's side and she wiped her eyes clean before turning.

"I-I'm okay," she said and forced a shaky smile. "I hit my head on the d-dash."

Neither one was convinced. _That fucker did this,_ the male on her side thought.

The one on my side spoke up. "We'll call an ambulance. You should get out, miss. If you're bleeding we have some medical supplies."

I dropped my hand from her shoulder and she popped open the door. I watched them carefully as one opened the trunk and the other kept his eyes on me. I didn't dare breathe, not unless I wanted to kill without savoring.

I listened as one spoke to Bella. "Miss, who the fuck is that and what really happened?"

Bella smiled and waved her hand dismissively. "The brakes jerked and I didn't have my seatbelt on. I was in shock." She thanked him for the moist towel to clean up her wound and put on a bandage. "I'm fine, I really am."

The male slipped her a piece of paper that I wouldn't have noticed if he hadn't been thinking about it. He had his number written down on it and I growled low in my chest. The other male jumped at the sound and looked at the bent pipe on the ground that he had used to break through the window and attack me.

He abruptly turned to Bella and the other man. "No way, you're not getting back in that car."

"I'm fine, there's nothing wrong with Edward. We've just been driving for a long time and—and we're both tired and cranky."

The two men exchanged a look. One grabbed her arm and I threw the door open.

"Bella," I said levelly. "Get in the car."

She swallowed thickly and moved away from the men, but the one gripping her arm refused to let go. "I don't think so, man," he called. "She needs an ambulance."

"I'll take her to the hospital," I responded.

The other stepped forward. "We'll follow behind you then. If you're brakes aren't working right it wouldn't be safe."

"I'll get them checked when I go to get my window fix," I snapped.

Both men stepped forward. To an average human they would have been intimidating. They were both muscled and the looks on their faces were murderous. The larger of the two men stepped forward and his expression was daring me to make a move.

"We'll be taking her to the hospital."

"No, you won't," I hissed and in a flash I had his arm pinned behind his back. His first mistake was moving to punch me; his second was calling his friend over to help.

"No!" Bella screamed. "God, Edward, don't!"

"Obviously I have to because you couldn't handle this on your own," I yelled at her. "Yet again you make a fatal decision for others."

The pain shot through her face and I snapped the guys arm I was holding, he rolled around on the ground and screamed in agony. The other male got up, this time armed with a knife. I used the knife against him, a quick stab to the lungs. He would be dead in less than a few hours and I threw his body into the wilderness so no one would see him.

No cars passed as I broke the other one's legs and threw him out with his friend. I rolled the car into the nearby river and grabbed the discarded medical kit on the ground.

Bella was shaking and her breathing had stopped. A car further down the road came closer and she darted for it. I did what I had to in order to protect her. A swift punch to the stomach had her blacked out and I ducked behind my car, waiting for the other to pass.

Funny, I mused, how we had been making such progress. It was one step forward and ten steps back. Bella was passed out in the back and I continued to drive east, my options widely expanded now.

I could kill her when she woke up, which was looking like my best option right now. I could try to repair the damage I had just done, which was unappealing. Or, I could continue on with the decision I'd had from the beginning.

Changing her wasn't an option. I had no doubt that after the events of today, she would use her new strength to kill me and my survival instincts were stronger than lust or anything else.

In all honesty, I didn't know what I was going to do. I needed one thing to focus on at a time, and right now I needed the guidance of Carlisle. My goal was to find him first, and then do whatever came to me afterwards.

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**A/N: Please remember to check out The Fandom Gives back tomorrow. So many good authors have things up at great prices. It's the perfect opportunity to have an author write an idea you've wanted to get out but don't have the time to write. This supports a wonderful cause and as a fandom it's the greatest thing we can do to help someone.**

**Again, check my profile for the link.**

**Don't forget to review!**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: I think this is what most people have been wanting to get to. The past is very important and now reveiled.**

_

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_

June

---

Bella

---

My hands were bound behind my back and my ankles were tied in the same fashion. My mouth had been gagged with a pocket cloth and Edward had used strips of my shirt to tie me up because he knew if I was only in my bra I wouldn't make a scene on the highway.

So I was lying on my side, tears streaming down my face, while I glared at Edward whose only movement in the past four hours had been turning the steering wheel and accelerating. My mind was repressing what I had seen earlier. I knew he was a killer, but there was something about watching him do it that was different from when he'd fought with Victoria and James. I realized that Edward was a psycho, not the good man I had been hoping for.

The most disgusting part was that he was somehow aroused by this whole thing. When I had woken up and found myself bound and gagged I flailed about and quickly noticed that the more I did so, the more his eyes darkened and he unzipped his pants, a warning.

My heart was breaking every moment that I watched his emotionless face concentrate on the road. The sun broke out and he quickly pulled down the visor again, the leather jacket he was wearing covered his arms and he had on gloves to match. I hated myself for finding him attractive in leather. I had good memories of that stupid jacket, the first time he bent me over and took me from behind. Those gloves were the same ones he'd worn when we had sex in public for the first time. I cried harder because that was years ago and there was no progression. Everything was pushed back.

_I hate you!_ I screamed in my mind, wishing he could hear me. _I hate you for messing with my head, for making me feel things that I shouldn't feel._

I pressed my forehead to the seat and tried to stop my quivering jaw and watering eyes. Edward slowed the car down and I perked my head up. We were in a suburban area and as he pulled further out into the road there was a tall white hotel. He pulled into an underground parking section and turned the car off.

"Bella," Edward murmured low. "I need to scope out the area. You'll be staying inside this hotel while I do it. I need to know if you're going to make a scene if I untie you."

I shook my head no and he opened his door before coming around to mine. He untied my feet slowly and then my hands. I pulled the kerchief out of my mouth, spitting on the ground. He latched onto my wrist and pulled me along gently, but the grip he had kept me in line when I thought about running. He slipped his jacket over my shoulders as we walked into the hotel through the garage.

I kept silent as he spoke with the front desk and ordered a suite. The suite was… huge. It was double the size of my apartment and just as big as Edward's penthouse. Once inside the room I went to the bathroom, and when I was done… the door was locked.

I pounded on it, panic setting in with claustrophobia. I screamed for Edward and I heard him moving on the other side of the door, and then scraping against it.

"What are you doing?" I shrieked.

"After the highway stunt I have to be sure that you won't leave." His voice was muffled by the heavy wood. "I'll only be a few hours."

"A few hours?" I screamed. "Edward, please don't lock me in here for that long. I won't leave this room, I promise."

"Since it appears that you've given up all consideration for your own safety and that of others I have no choice _but_ to lock you up," he said gruffly.

I kicked into panic mode and thrashed out at the door, trying to break it down. He snapped at me through the wood, a low growl that shook the whole room. The small bottles of shampoo and hotel soap shook on the counter and I stopped. The only sound was my breathing and whimpering exhales.

"Please…" I whispered.

"I'll be back later," he said lowly. "There should be two books in there. Take a soak in the tub and time will pass quickly."

"I hate you," I whispered, staring at the floor.

He said nothing and I waited for two minutes in silence. "I know."

The door to the room closed and I climbed into the tub fully clothed and without water. I stared at the wall for a while, thinking about how the dynamic had changed. I thought I was finally winning him over, finally looking into his soul, but I realized that… he was right. Maybe he didn't have one.

"I can't believe I…" I sighed and couldn't even finish that thought. What, loved, love? I hated him, but that was in theory.

Three years with him, learning everything about who he was as a person made me closer with him than anyone I'd ever known.

I pulled off my clothing and sat naked in the tub, scrutinizing the nozzles. I grabbed one of them and the water came pouring from two faucets on either sides of the tub. After warming it up I put in some soap and washed away the grime caked on my face from crying.

I dunked my head under the water and held my breath… and then I released it. I broke through the waters surface before I could feel the pain in my lungs. There were better ways to go than in the tub. After the hell Edward put me through I had considered my death a lot. Suicide seemed to be the only way to escape from him. I'd purposely cut myself and tempted him to kill me, but his control bested me and all I ended up with was a bruised ego and a red bottom.

I blew bubbles into the water, my nose just above it so I could breathe easily. My knees swayed back and forth, making the water slosh against the sides of the tubs.

Everything was changed now. I had to face the fact that Edward and I were no longer the way we use to be. I thought we had made so much progress being in his human home. He told me stories of his childhood and showed me the journals of his mother from which he got them. We made love—honest to God made love—in his old bed, slow and calm and nothing like I'd ever experienced before.

That first night, under the covers, was the single most thrilling moment of my life. He pressed every inch of his body to mine and where he would have kept eye contact in the dark, our lips never parted until he had his release. His face had never been so close to mine, in that he usually pulled away in the heat of the moment so the temptation to bite was lessened.

It just felt like… like we were lovers. Real true lovers in the most honest sense of the word. But now, trapped inside the bathroom pondering over how things had changed really got to the problem at hand.

I had been blaming Edward, but it was my fault. He asked me to stop, repeatedly told me not to badger him with those questions when it so obviously upset him. I had to wonder if he felt the same sting when talking about his humanity as I did when I spoke about Lauren.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled into the water. "I'm sorry, Lauren."

I closed my eyes and indulged in the guilt. My thoughts swirled around in my head while I lodged into different scenarios, Edward as a human, Edward being a kinder soul. I wanted to change him, like an idiotic teenage girl. I had thought he was a good person deep down, I was positive to the depths of my soul that he was a good man. I knew it and somewhere inside me I still knew it.

I bet those two men he killed didn't know the same. I felt remorse for them, prayed in the car, but if it came between them and Edward, I-I would have condoned it. That made me no better than Edward.

The bathroom door swung open and I screamed, jumping up to grab my towel and the sudden movement spilled water across the floor. Edward stood at the threshold, eyes lighter than when he was in the car.

"We need to go," he ordered.

"Why?" I asked frantically and began to dry my skin.

His eyes darkened again and I scowled at my reflection. "Get dressed and I'll tell you."

I grabbed my jeans and a new shirt from my bag and followed him out through the halls of the hotel. Edward had a tight grip on my wrist the entire way.

"Did they follow us? I thought you said we had a lead on them?"

"I can't be sure it's them," he mumbled distractedly. "But I know _something _is out there."

I stayed silent for a moment and then voiced my wavering thoughts. "Could it be Carlisle?"

He paused on the way to the garage. The sun was setting and his hand was just outside the reach of shadows, the gap in the material of his gloves sent glittering light into my eyes. Edward remained still and I was panicked.

And then so quickly I didn't know what had happened, I was between Edward and the car. His growls rumbled through me and shook the windowpanes of the car. I couldn't see past the light brown material of his jacket but I saw his eyes focused and pitch black on something in front of us.

And then he ceased his growls all together.

"Edward." The voice was… not his.

His whole frame locked. I touched his shoulder with the hand that wasn't pinned between us and with the contact he took half a step forward. I breathed a sigh of relief and the light scuff of a shoe was barely audible as whoever was in front of us stepped forward.

"Carlisle…" he murmured and it sounded like a prayer.

"I didn't expect your friend to figure out I was here before you," he chuckled lightly. "Don't be alarmed, if you came to seek me out I'm here and I'd like to help with whatever you need."

"You're supposed to be further east," Edward accused.

"I was in New Hampshire but I heard you were coming east, searching for me and I couldn't help but come to meet you."

"I… need help," Edward sighed in defeat. It was the only time I'd ever heard him so weak, I suddenly liked this man even though I couldn't see him.

"I expected that," Carlisle said after a pause.

Edward stepped forward to unblock me from seeing his sire. I may have gasped but the familiarity in his eyes was so likened to Edward. They were almost the same, but Carlisle's eyes were so much kinder, brighter, inviting. They were the eyes I wished Edward had.

"Carlisle," Edward addressed. "This is Isabella Swan, Bella, this is Carlisle Cullen."

Carlisle stepped forward to shake my hand and I moved to do the same. He looked old for his young immortal age. His blonde hair was styled into an older fashion, slicked back to give him finesse and wisdom, and his eyes, though bright and inviting, showed knowledge beyond my capacity. He had dress slacks on and a button up, an overcoat slung over his left arm.

"It's nice to meet you, Bella," he said warmly.

"You, too," I murmured quietly.

Edward and Carlisle exchanged low murmurs and decisions before Carlisle turned to a sleek black car and climbed in, Edward moved to open my door for me.

"We're following Carlisle back," he said.

"How didn't you know it was him?" I asked quietly as he pulled out behind Carlisle.

"He's been around for a long time. Bypassing my mind reading is a feat, but not impossible." He turned onto the highway and kicked up his speed to match Carlisle's. We were flying in no time. "I'm impressed with your problem solving skills," he chuckled.

"Where are we going?"

"An overnight trip to Carlisle's home. You'll like his mate."

I leaned my head against the glass of the passenger side, shivering from the cold breeze of Edward's broken window. I fell asleep soon after, Edward placing a blanket over me before I drifted off.

--

_My seventeenth birthday was a bittersweet thing._

_I was a year older and a year closer to death, but the morning I woke with overcast skies and the rocking of a chair in my peripheral vision I was sore and in pain. I had slept a full night like I'd done every other night this week, and I felt guilty for it._

_I had become comfortable with Edward in my room. Waking without him unsettled me, he was a fixture that never moved and helped me with things when I needed him._

_My stomach hurt with anxiousness, stronger than I ever remembered it and I got dressed without a thought or saying anything to the man in my room. He watched me with golden eyes, scrutinizing me like always. I pulled my shirt over my head and I felt the bumble of self-conscious thoughts fly through my brain, but he had seen me naked before and since I was a "big girl" he told me not to go into the bathroom anymore._

_His comfort level had risen with mine and he was bold at night. A week before my birthday I had woken to his hands on me, touching and tugging and I reacted like my hormones ordered me to. He said he could smell them, my bodily reactions called to him and it was in his nature to please me and to be pleased in return._

_Things had to change because his presence no longer bothered me in my sleep, my body was called to him and I wanted to be with him more than anything in the world._

_That morning before I left I readily decided that things needed to be changed._

_Lauren was waiting at her car for me when I pulled in, lips pursed and a brown paper bag tucked between her books and chest. She threw me an apple with a birthday candle lodged in it. We walked quietly to the school building and as she waited by my locker I darted my eyes covertly to the janitor's closet._

_She got the hint and stepped inside without anyone noticing. After the homeroom bell rang I slipped in._

_"Have you finally decided to take my advice?" she whispered in the dim light of a swinging bulb._

_I nodded and sighed. "Things are changing."_

_"How so?"_

_"I… I don't know," I mumbled. "I kind of want him around. And when he touches me my body goes crazy."_

_She smirked halfheartedly, a joke lodged on her tongue. She swallowed it down and nodded. "And you're scared you might, what? Get attached, have sex with him?"_

_"Well, yeah. That happens to people to people like me, right?"_

_"All the time."_

_"I need to go to the Res and get help," I muttered and sucked back the tears ready to fall._

_She nodded. "I'll come with you; we can go in my car."_

_I hugged her tightly, burying my face in her shoulder. "Thank you, Lauren."_

_--_

_Last period dragged on for hours it seemed. I stared blankly at the board, my textbook, anything to distract me from the racing thoughts in my skull. Two minutes until the bell had me jumpy and anticipating. Mike Newton commented but I told him I didn't feel well and he gave me two Tylenol for my stomach ache._

_When the bell finally did ring I jumped a foot out of my skin and rushed to my locker, dropping off my books and bag, and then running to the parking lot._

_I saw Lauren by her car, talking to a friend, and behind me a teacher called my name. I groaned under my breath._

_"Mr. Banner," I greeted._

_"The email you sent with your thesis didn't come through, is there a way that you could send it again?" he asked sheepishly._

_I looked back to Lauren, and she waved her hand when I pleaded with my eyes. The parking lot began to clear and I followed Mr. Banner back inside, handing him my flash drive once we were in the library._

_When I was finished the parking lot was almost dead. A few people lingered around their cars, some busses were waiting for the track and field hockey teams to climb on. Upon seeing me Lauren lodged her key in the lock and opened her door._

_So quickly I wasn't sure I saw it, there a figure shaded beside me. I gasped and turned around quickly, my hand grasping my throat. Edward was there, under the shade of a tree, hands in his pockets and a smirk on his calm face._

_"What did I tell you?" he said quietly._

_"What?" I whispered._

_"She was doomed to die from the start, but I thought this would be a good lesson," he chuckled darkly._

_I turned around to face Lauren again. Her car was stalling and I screamed her name frantically. My feet smacked against the black top in my attempt to stop her._

_"Lauren!" I wailed. "Don't start the car!"_

_On the third stall the engine rumbled and the hood exploded into a cacophony of sound and color. The front part of the car was gone and the back was enflamed. I heard her scream out, shrill and piercing through the lot and everyone turned to see._

_An arm wrapped around my waist as I moved forward, hell bent on saving her even if it meant my death. A blast of warm air hit me and made my eyes water and as the flicker of an ember hit the open gas door the car blew like an action movie._

_There was a snarling pop, everything around me rattled and Edward was on top of me, covering me from the shrapnel that was flying. I screamed at him to move, trying to crawl to her, but as quickly as it started it had ended._

_There was only a smoldering heap of metal and ash where Lauren's car had been and people started to swarm around. Engines in the distance sounded and fire trucks pulled in, immediately dousing the fire. Edward pulled me up and back, my car was blown in by the impact and I saw Charlie standing by it, mouth gaping and looking at it through the destroyed metal for me._

_"Here's what I need you to do," he murmured in my ear, behind me now and gripping my shoulders tightly. "Go over there, assure your father everything is fine, and tell him you don't know what happened. That shouldn't be too hard for you."_

_My mouth was hanging open and a whimper caught in my throat as he pushed me forward, suddenly gone._

_Like a robot, I walked forward and my father wrapped his arms around me as I came closer. He muttered to God over and over again, asking what happened and calling over an EMT to make sure I wasn't in shock._

_I retold the story of how I was going to go out with her before Mr. Banner called me over and what I saw upon coming out of the building. After one recall of my story I was brought home and put into bed._

_By midnight Edward was slinking through my window and I threw my lamp at the wall beside him. He hissed and my father barged into my room groggy and alert. I cried and clung to him, afraid to be alone with Edward knowing the wrath he would put on me, but morning came and the house phone was ringing off the hook for Charlie._

_And when he told me I needed to stay home after my traumatic experience, I waited in silence for Edward to return. An hour later he did, black eyes fixed on me._

_"I should kill you," he growled._

_"Do it," I spat._

_He turned his chin up. "No, I don't think I will. The guilt you'll undoubtedly feel will be worse than death. And if you try to take your life into your own hands I kill someone else. I think you're father will be next."_

_I sat up straight and jumped out of bed, standing up before him even though every bone in my body told me to sit down and shut the hell up before he hurt me or my dad. His eyes dared me, pushed me to say something, but I did not. I stood silent and then he pushed me back onto my bed._

_I shrieked shortly before he fell on top of me, his arms catching his body before impact was made. My breasts touched his cold chest and my nipples hardened painfully. I was disgusted with myself, he had _killed_ Lauren and all I could think about was his hand on my collarbone, tugging down my shirt and gliding over my stomach._

_He laughed. "You're disgusting. Your best friend died by my hands but I can smell what you're trying to hide between your thighs."_

_"Leave me alone!" I cried._

_He smiled. "I don't think I will. No, in fact I know I won't. I'm going to have you in every way, but you're going to willingly give yourself to me."_

_"No I won't," I snapped._

_"Yes you will." He was grinning now, so cocky and sure of himself._

_He lifted himself up and moved back to the rocking chair, watching me again as I tried to calm down my flustered skin._

_"I won't," I breathed._

_His grin got wider. "Humans are too easy._

_--_

"Bella, wake up." The voice wasn't from my dream, but I could barely remember it as the muted light hit my eyes.

I was cocooned inside a bundle of blankets and I was stifled. I wriggled my way out of them and wrapped my arms around Edward's neck as he lifted me out of the car. His arm went under my knees and my body felt so heavy I thought I would fall.

"I got you," he whispered.

"I dreamt about you," I mumbled.

"I know," I could hear the grimace in his voice but I didn't know why.

"You were smiling a lot," I explained but the words didn't feel right so I stopped.

I suddenly noticed where we were—or where I didn't know we were. There was a huge white house with all kinds of shutters lining the windows with designs on each one to accent the trim. It looked like Cinderella's castle in house form.

Carlisle was at the front of the house, holding the door open while Edward climbed up the porch and brought me inside. The chandelier above was dimmed when I released a hand from Edward's neck to cover my eyes. A woman with wavy caramel colored hair was by the light switch, looking at me with wide eyes and a warm smile. I had the instinct to be afraid of her for what she was, but I smiled back sleepily.

"The third floor," she whispered to Edward.

He nodded and climbed the stairs quickly. I was asleep before he tucked me into a large bed with burgundy and gold sheets.

* * *

**A/N: The Fandom Gives Back auction is still going on through the 20th. I still have things up for auction, as do many other great authors. Go and check it, purchasing it really easy and you're supporting a great cause.**

**There's been a lot of great publicity via Twitter for the auction, and as always I'm on there RosetteCullen, link is also on my profile for both Twitter and Fandom Gives Back.**

**Don't forget to review!**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: First of all, thank you everyone who sent me birthday wishes. I was super shocked and pleasantly surprised at the generosity that came my way.**

**AND Otep sent me a birthday message on Twitter. Oh, good things come to those who wait. Sigh.**

**Happy Thanksgiving :)**

* * *

_June_

---

Edward

---

"You incited the wrath of three nomadic vampires—one of which is a hunter and the other a tracker—over a human girl you claim to have no attachment or feelings for." Carlisle's eyebrow hitched impossibly higher as he finished talking.

I managed to regale him with everything that had happened in the past few weeks. His only concern at the end of risking both mine and Bella's life was to know if I had _feelings_ for her. I had feelings, but he'd chastise me for speaking them.

"Yes," I answered curtly.

He propped a foot on the ottoman and Esme came to sit beside him. She reeked of eggs from cooking breakfast and the milk scent clung to her even after a thorough cleansing. She smiled fondly at me, like we'd met before.

She spoke up quietly. "If you don't have anything towards her, what exactly are your intentions?"

"I have none," I sighed.

"You wouldn't have gone through all this trouble if there was nothing there," Carlisle argued.

I narrowed my eyes at them both. "This isn't about that! What do we do with the three tracking me?"

Carlisle tilted his head, his thoughts swirling around different ideas and scenarios. Some were blurry and others he projected at me. Pulling more people than needed into this would make a large and unnecessary meeting between those who saw life differently. I didn't want these nomads to affect everything around Carlisle by calling in century old favors.

"I would say talk with them; orchestrate some kind of an understanding." I shook my head. "Knowing how you act rashly, though, I assume you've already burned that bridge?"

"Thoroughly."

"Then if reason cannot be brought to them we have no other choice but to one, throw Bella to the wolves—" a short loud growl rumbled through the room and he changed his pace "—or if they initiate a fight we fight back."

"Number two," I hissed.

Esme keened disapprovingly. "Violence can't be the only option."

"They tracked me down with the intention of killing either me or Bella. They started the violence train and now it's not stopping."

"Edward's right," Carlisle murmured to her soothingly. "We can try reason… but otherwise things will need to be rectified through death."

She nodded sullenly. "Will you stay with us then?" Though her question was directed at me I thought about Bella.

"I… I don't know. Bella has ties to Washington, her father, school, employment."

Her eyebrow shot up to match Carlisle and their thoughts were the exact same. I glared until they stopped and they both smiled at me knowingly. I knocked a glass egg to the floor and Esme caught it with a scolding look.

"It's nothing like you think," my voice was short and low.

"Your eyes," Carlisle voiced his sudden thoughts. "I hadn't seen before when they were black. You've gone back animals?"

"I had to," I answered quickly.

"Why didn't you come back if your diet changed?"

"It was fairly recent. A few years, since I almost drank her dry." Esme's eyes widened. "I haven't tasted one drop since coming upon her, though."

"What changed your views on life to that extreme?" Carlisle's tone was one of pure interest. "It takes restrain to have the temptation right there and not lash out at it."

I remained silent and a quiet understanding passed through the room that I refused to acknowledge. Sheets upstairs rattled and Bella's heart beat began to speed up as she slowly woke. I excused myself and rushed to the guest room.

She was wrapped in the comforters, lying on her stomach and face pressed to the side against a down pillow. Her eye lids fluttered slowly as one hand came up to rub at them. I opened the drapes slowly though it made little difference in the room.

"Good morning," I murmured to her.

"I forgot I'm still angry at you," she muttered groggily.

It pained me, but I kept my mouth shut. I couldn't… I couldn't show Carlisle how things were before he promised to help me. "I'm sorry," I said quietly.

Her eyes popped open in shock. "You are?"

"Of course." I nodded my head for emphasis.

"Well now," she sighed and sat up, grabbing the bag beside the bed.

"Esme made breakfast for you, eggs Benedict."

I returned downstairs while she showered and got ready for the day. Esme was in the kitchen carefully arranging the plate of breakfast foods into a neat order. Carlisle was at the table with the morning paper in his hand. They looked entirely too human, like a normal family on a Sunday morning.

I marveled for a moment at how natural it was—how natural it probably _was_ to them. I sat next to Carlisle and picked up a section that he had finished. If I thought Washington news was boring this was death.

Bella came down half an hour later with wet hair dripping on the floor and fresh clothing on. Her stomach growled throughout the room when her eyes landed on the plate Esme was serving.

"Thank you," she sighed.

Esme grinned. _It's nice to cook for someone again,_ her thoughts murmured excitedly. She wasn't used to my ability to hear her, but she looked at me and tried her best. _She's very sweet._

I nodded slightly and the room went quiet except for the sound of the radio and Bella's eating. I was brought back to the beginning, when she blushed eating in front of me, saying it was strange and awkward. That embarrassment was long gone as she pulled down forkfuls of hash browns into her mouth.

"Bella," Carlisle said when she was done. "Are all of your engagements in Washington taken care of?"

"Yes, I spoke with everyone and Edward helped me with school and unemployment." She grimaced at the end and I ignored it.

"With a tracker on your heels, having yours and Edward's scents, it will only be a matter of days before they catch up."

"So," she drawled. "What do we do?"

"You'll go into hiding," I told her honestly. Carlisle could reword it into anything he liked, but the premise would still be the same.

She hesitated, her eyes darting between the three vampires in the room. "Where would you be?" she directed at me.

"I won't be with you." I said in a no-nonsense voice. Carlisle chastised me mentally for breaking it so harshly. Her eyes, though. They told me she had been hoping that I would come with her. "I brought the tracker and his friends to us and I'll be the one to get rid of him."

"That's dangerous!" she gasped.

"Indeed," Esme said and reached over to put her hand on Bella's shoulder comfortingly. "But after much deliberation the only choice we have is to confront them. It would be a lost cause if they attacked without conversing at the first sight of you."

Bella nodded sullenly and Carlisle told me to reassure her. "Everything will be fine."

"Yeah… I know." She took a drink of her water and curled the wet ends of her hair around a finger.

I didn't like it. I didn't like the hopelessness in her eyes and the frown on her lips. We'd been on the run for weeks now, cooped up in hotels and small spaces. I stood up from the table and tugged her hair, urging her to follow me. I moved to the many flights of stairs and I could hear the sound of her small feet padding behind me.

We moved up past the third floor and up to the attic. I pulled her up into my arms incase of a stray nail. The last thing I needed was her blood across the floor and a freshly open wound for me to drink from.

There was a wooden crate in the back of the attic, unopened after all these years and different postage stamps stuck to each of the four sides. I felt appreciation and respect for Carlisle. He had hauled this with him to every home throughout the years.

I placed Bella in an old plastic covered chair and while she picked at the sleeves on the arm I carefully pulled each nail out of place. The lid fell to the floor, making her jump and I laughed, motioning her closer to the box. There were some dead bugs littering the bottom but I grabbed some of the smaller boxes inside.

Sitting in the chair, I pulled her to my lap and reached inside the small shoebox for an album. Bella's eyes lit up and she tore the protective newspaper off like decorations for a Christmas tree. The smell made my eyes close in déjà vu and I indulged in the scents of my mother and father blended together after years of their belongings being meshed together.

She laughed upon opening the front cover. "You look miserable," she shrieked in her amusement.

"I didn't like parties. Especially _garden_ parties," I said with mock disgust.

"Is that your father?" she asked quietly, pointing at the man by my side. "He looks like Bri Young," she murmured wistfully.

In the dim morning light I watched her flip through the small album of my adolescent years. She told me how I was a good looking human in her expert opinion and what features I had carried over. She breathed in the scent of pressed flowers and laughed every time I appeared in a picture with my mother and her friends.

It only took a few minutes to finish the pictures and she closed the book reverently before holding it to her chest. In that movement, so sudden and unexpected, where she embraced a long gone part of me and acknowledged the past, I felt something in my chest—unfounded respect—for this young woman.

I reached into the box and pulled out my mother's jewelry box, tugging out the small, thin gold bracelet that she'd tucked behind the velvet. I would always sneak into her box and read the inscription carved inside, wondering how someone could make something so small.

I pulled her right wrist from her body and slid it on unceremoniously. Something about the movement seemed natural and nothing to make a big deal out of. My mother wouldn't want something so beautiful to be tucked away for all of eternity; she would want someone to wear it with the pride and dignity she had.

"I can't—" I cut Bella off with my finger to her lips.

"Don't," I murmured and clasped the gold around her wrist. She held it up for inspection and though there were a thousand words on her lips, she remained quiet and thanked me.

There wasn't much else inside the crate. My mother's wedding gown was wrinkled and folded up, as well as my father's suit. Some heirlooms and fine china were packed away carefully and everything else was birth certificates and legal papers my father wrote.

After an hour we moved back downstairs and I was surprised to find that Carlisle was on the phone, speaking with friends about the matter at hand. I felt guilty about forcing his hand and involving others.

Bella sat by Esme on the couch as they watched a cooking show. Esme asked Bella what kinds of food she liked and paired with what. Bella animatedly spoke to her about what she had attempted in cooking and what she disliked and liked.

I turned my attention to Carlisle who had finished up his call. His mind spoke to me, aware of Esme and Bella on the couch. _Friends from the west say there's been a string of highway murders. One of them doesn't match up with the pattern. Two males, know anything about it?_

I nodded minutely, the thrill of dread split up my spine and Carlisle's eyes darkened. I followed him into his office without another word and sat across from him in the large brown leather chair.

"Explain, please," he said flatly.

"On our way here we pulled over to the side—"

"Why?" he asked and I knew I couldn't lie, but the whole truth couldn't come out.

"Bella was threatening to unlock the door and jump out. She was frustrated with the long hours of driving and my inability to answer her questions."

"What questions?"

"Why I wouldn't turn her instead of fleeing."

He pondered that for a moment. "She has a point, and it is her choice."

"She doesn't know how to choose," I snapped.

"She knows you fairly well, wouldn't you say?" he asked. I nodded. "Even if she hasn't seen the worst side of a vampire—" I tried not to cringe "—she still knows what we are, how we behave, our instincts. With the tracker on you scent you don't think if something happens to one of his allies that he'll outright run to the Volturi?"

I growled. "Then we won't let any of them live."

Carlisle shook his head, his patience running thin as salve. "That's not up to us, Edward. Continue on."

"I pulled the car over to calm her down and two men stopped their car in front of us, concerned for Bella. One attacked me with a lead pipe and realized I had no damage. I had to do it, Carlisle."

His eyes darkened and he seethed. "You're lying."

My fingers clenched on the arm, curling back the sliver bolts that kept the leather from moving. One popped out and rang around the room as it fell. But Carlisle had his eyes on mine and his mind was screaming at me to tell the truth, wondering what had truly changed and become of me.

"She was screaming and they tried to get her away from me to take her to the hospital and call the police."

"Why was she screaming?" he growled.

I hesitated to answer and he growled louder, rattling the picture frames and I heard Bella start. Esme soothed her nerves and Carlisle's rumbled died to a vibration in his chest. There was no denying it anymore, he already knew.

"I lost control."

"She has bruises. You didn't think I'd see?"

"They're old."

"The hell they are," he spat. "What are you _doing,_ Edward?"

I sighed. "I don't know."

"Figure it out right now." His eyes bore into mine and he was ready to rip my head off and burn me at the stake. I would have gladly faced the three nomads by myself. Seeing proud fatherly Carlisle ready to kill me made my insides turn to stone.

"You don't know the whole story," I murmured.

"I doubt there's much I need to know other than the fact that you have obviously been lackadaisical in your care of Bella. She flinched this morning, when Esme put her arm around her shoulders to put her plate down. And her dream in the car, I heard the noises she was making. Nightmares are caused by the psyche reliving moments." He stopped and his jaw trembled with the fight not to snap. "What have you done to her?"

"I think you should know," I said quietly. "Before anything, that everything has been consensual."

"Edward," he growled lowly.

I opened my mouth and within twenty seconds I had the whole thing mumbled out. I explained quickly how I'd stalked her, kept her for three years, and had become no less than a psychopath.

Carlisle's face was a blank but his mind was racing with every word I'd uttered, three thousand in a third of a second. His eyes smoldered black and he looked ancient. My legs instinctively locked to move, whether to flee or fight I didn't know, but his expression was void of any human compassion. I wasn't so sure I'd be able to take Bella and leave if he decided he didn't want me here anymore. It was clear he didn't like this—this situation and what I had become.

"You're an idiot," he barked sharply.

"I know."

"You took an innocent human girl and did the absolute stupidest thing you could have possibly done. I thought you had better judgment than that. How wrong I was."

"Carlisle—"

"No," he snapped. "Listen to me, Edward, and listen to me well."

I could see the thought swirling in his head, not much of an ultimatum but his better side came out and recognized something within me that he still held onto. My desire for a soul, and to be a good person. He didn't want me to flee again, especially since Esme was so pleased with me being back. She felt as though she had a small family—something that had been taken from her.

"Yes, sir," I whispered, eager to know what he was hiding.

"I will help you with the nomads following you. I gave you my word and I never go back on it." My body stiffened instantly as his mind shifted. "But afterwards you have to choose between letting go of Bella permanently or changing her."

My throat erupted into snarls and growls, my arms restricting me from lunging at Carlisle, and he growled back just as loudly. His lips curled back and he stood, black eyes piercing through mine and his entire stance told me to back down.

Esme came through the door, breaking it off the hinges and some loud keening noise left her throat, shutting us both up with the authority of her cry.

"You're making the house shake," she hissed. "Bella thought you were ripping each other apart."

"It's pretty close," I growled.

"Shut it, Edward," Carlisle snapped. "You have your choices, pick one."


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: I'm a lousy girl, I know. I have good news, the middle of December means college applications are done and everything is settling down for the holidays. I've already got more time for writing and it's _so_ nice.**

**Anonymous reviewers, _please_ get an account. Some of those reviews are so insightful and I have this gasping moment of awe and then I go to click on the reply button and my heart sinks. :(**

* * *

July

---

Bella

---

Edward had left sometime around two in the morning to go hunting. He had worked my body up into a frenzy of nerves and only until he pulled my shirt above my head did I realize that we were guests in someone else's home. He wasn't impressed with my manners and left to hunt since I didn't entertain him otherwise.

Around six I realized that sleep was a lost cause and went downstairs. Esme was opening all the windows, letting in a fresh breeze that could only be described as marshlands. It reminded me of Forks and I sighed quietly. Esme turned and I flushed.

"You have a lovely home," I said, trying to shed off my embarrassment.

She smiled warmly. "Thank you, we've had this home for a while, Carlisle bought it for our twentieth wedding anniversary."

"He has good taste." She laughed in agreement and sat on the couch, patting the spot beside her.

"I'm sorry about yesterday," she sighed. "Carlisle and Edward butt heads a lot from what I've heard."

"What was he like?" I asked suddenly. "In the early days?"

She pursed her lips. "I don't know. You'd have to ask Carlisle. He's in his office if you'd like to speak with him."

"I would, very much," I said and eagerly stood. She smiled and pointed to the staircase, directing me to the second floor.

The second floor was designed with white and brown handcrafted furniture and painted walls. Even for a hallway it felt alive and homey. Carlisle's office door was open a crack, streams of light reaching out and caressing the wall.

I stood outside the door and before I had time to knock he called to me. "Come in, Bella."

I strode in quietly and sat in the large brown leather chair across from his desk. There were marks on the arms of the chair and some of the leather popped up in jagged streaks. I kept my hands in my lap to avoid making the damage worse.

"Good morning," I greeted timidly.

"To you as well," he murmured warmly. "Are you enjoying your stay?"

"Very much," I answered immediately. "You have such a nice home."

"Is there something you need? I take it small talk isn't on your agenda." His eyebrow arched and his smile was contagious even through my embarrassment.

"Um, yes," I cleared my throat, suddenly nervous. It felt like I was betraying Edward, asking about his past to someone else. "I was wondering about Edward."

"What about Edward?" Carlisle asked, his voice patient and friendly.

"What he was like… you know, before the change and after it." I fiddled with the drawstring of my sleep pants and listened to the silence as Carlisle chewed over his answer.

His voice came out almost sadly, "He was a good boy. His father became ill quickly, one of the first to actually die from the infection. He was determined not to have same fate as his father and took care of his mother completely."

"What… how did he act as a human?" I needed to know that there was something within him that was still human. I knew it was there, lodged in deep, but there nonetheless.

"He was spirited, smart, had great aspirations of becoming a soldier. He was every mother's pride and joy and every father's dream. While I was taking care of his father he was constantly in, keeping his mother company at his bedside and allowing her to go home and rest while he read to the slowly dying man. He knew it was only a matter days but treated every moment as if some miracle would come down from the heavens—"

"But after his father died," I interrupted and smacked a hand over my mouth. Carlisle nodded for me to continue. "After his father died, he changed right?"

He sighed. "His carefree attitude melted away completely. He had no faith to begin with but put up the charade for his parents. That was what made him stand out to me, the way he was absolutely tortured to watch his parents fall ill and die one after the other. He was directed away like other children, I had never seen anyone with so much conviction to live out their final moments besides those they love.

"Once his mother became sick he slaved over her with guilt," his voice turned solemn. "I will never forget the night he passed out at her bedside, hands folded as if he had been praying. The morning after he broke out with a terrible fever, worse than many others I had seen."

"What made you decide to change him?" I asked curiously.

He leaned back in his chair, brows furrowed in concentration. "Back then I would have said his loyalty and devotion. Edward is loyal to those he cares about. Even after he left me to go his own way he still kept in touch for a period of time. But now, I know I saved him not only for the sake of his mother's heartfelt plea for her only child, but for the way he reminds me of myself at his age."

"How so?"

"His devotion and insatiable thirst for knowledge, to test the bounds of what is and is not possible." Carlisle's eyes flashed to me and my shoulders tensed.

"Do you think there's hope for him?" I whispered anxiously.

"After he changed ,everything human about him seemed to have slipped away. He became very bitter and the frustration of reading minds had him clawing at his head. The first three years were pure hell. He was eager to learn my ways but had a short patience." He chuckled and wiped a hand over his face. "Afterwards, when he was tamer he thanked me profusely and swore he was forever in my debt for rarely becoming cross with him."

I leaned back in my chair, defeated. I brought my hands to my face and pressed my palms against them. Tears pricking at my eyes, I sucked in a shaky breath.

Carlisle was kneeling in front of me a moment later. He gently pulled my wrists away and his kind gold eyes looked up at me, smiling sadly. I think we both knew what I had wanted and there was no point in lying to appease me. I closed my eyes from his damn golden ones and ground my teeth to stop the cries that were bubbling up right under the surface.

"I had planned on letting Edward tell you," he murmured. "But I think you should have the option available to think over. Food for thought."

I looked up and swallowed down the painful tightness. "What?" I rasped.

"The three nomads will undoubtedly end up arriving here. What Edward has done… it's wrong, beyond words."

"He told you?" I whispered in shock.

"No," he laughed a short bark. "He's withholding information. I know that things between the two of you are far from peaceful. After everything he's done I believe that you have the choice to make. If any one of the three gets away they will go to the Volturi—our government—and report that a human knows about our existence. They have a zero tolerance policy."

My hands began to shake and Carlisle gathered them in his cold palms. He gripped them tightly, reassuring me. "They'll kill me, no questions asked," I stated.

"They will. Therefore, since your livelihood is at stake I believe you should have the option of being turned."

I gasped loudly and my eyes flew wide open. A door from downstairs crashed and I heard the dry wall crack. I yelped and jumped up from my seat. Carlisle's growl shook the room and in an instant Edward was at the door, teeth bared and a hand gripping the doorframe in what I assumed was an attempt at restraining himself.

"I can't believe you!" he yelled at Carlisle accusatorily.

"Edward," Carlisle's voice was… frighteningly calm. His voice dropped a few octaves and every word rumbled through me. He pulled his hands away and stood up slowly. "You will calm down."

"The hell I will," Edward growled loudly. I covered my ears and my stomach acid churned like a heavy bass was thumping through the room. "Bella, leave."

"She'll do no such thing. This is a conversation that needs to be had—"

"It does not."

"—and since you can't seem to have it on your own I will take the liberties to start it," Carlisle finished. "Will you tell her your ultimatums?"

"No," Edward hissed.

"Bella," he turned to me and ignored Edward's screaming. "When the nomads are dealt with, depending on what happens, you cannot go on living this way."

"What do you mean?" I whispered hoarsely.

"It's your opinion to be changed or not—"

"No! It's not her opinion!" Edward bellowed, he stepped forward and Carlisle growled at him, something feral and awful that scared the shit out of me. I stood up, instantly wary of the two vampires ready to attack each other. "Bella, get out of here. Now," Edward hissed at me, his black eyes piercing mine.

My first instinct was to obey and I did just that as I made my way to the door. Carlisle shoved his hand out to stop me. As soon as it made contact with my shoulder Edward snapped and crouched. He looked completely feral, black eyes focused on Carlisle, who was frozen in shock as he looked at Edward. It was like… like he was possessed.

"One last warning," he gritted out to Carlisle. His hand fell from my shoulder and Edward slowly rose to his feet, eyes locking with mine and pulling me forward.

I walked timidly to him and time seemed to stop. Carlisle could see it; for once I wasn't alone in my fear. I knew this was wrong but hadn't been completely sure for the past few months. His eyes judged us as Edward's fist wrapped around my hand and tugged me behind his back.

"Calm down," Carlisle said lowly.

"Please, Edward," Esme was behind me, standing in the entry way. I hadn't noticed her before, too caught up with the goings on of the moment.

I put the hand that wasn't captive by his own on the material of his t-shirt and rubbed soothingly. "It's okay, Edward. He was just trying to help, don't be angry."

My voice was timid and wavering but his jaw unhinged and his muscles came down from their tight placement. His eyes remained black, focused completely on Carlisle. Silent communication passed through them and I heard Esme muttering behind me.

"Then we'll leave," Edward snapped after a prolonged period of silence.

I stepped in front of him, his hand still gripping onto me. "I don't want to leave."

His eyes finally left Carlisle—warily—and he looked at me. I gasped at the pitch of his eyes, but that wasn't the worst part, not by far. I pulled against his grip and he snapped his fingers open. I went flying backwards, tumbling to the floor and a choked sob escaped my throat.

There was a light fringe of red around the edges, not enough that I could have noticed from afar, but I always looked for the spot of gold. Even when his eyes were dark and unforgiving that sparkle would come through and make things better. But now it was gone, replaced by a dark crimson that I could barely make out.

I began to cry, mostly from the shock but the way he looked reminded me too much of the beginning. I immediately associated that shade of red with the constant pace of fear I'd lived with for months. I could see him, clear as day, on the side of the road, looming over me and walking his careful distance behind me. I could see the bags under his eyes that were the same as the ones that appeared in the middle of the night, when I woke up knowing he was beside me.

He took a step toward me. "Get away!" I screamed. "No!"

"Bella—"

"Edward…" Carlisle muttered and I could hear the panic even in his professional voice.

"No!" I wailed. "No, no, no! Please don't!"

The panic welled up, like a bubbling brook with too many fish. The water splashed onto land and made everything that had dried up and cracked become wet and teem with life, and with that life came the thoughts that were meant to be pushed back. All that repression and dryness came back and I could hear my heart thudding in my chest.

"She's going to pass out," Esme cried and flashed to my side. I flinched away from her but I was focused on Edward. He was frozen in place, eyes wide open and his jaw hanging slack.

Cold fingers pressed to the pulse in my neck and I thrashed around. Panic attack or not, I needed to get away. They wanted to kill me, that was Edward's goal in the beginning. Had he not found the challenge of my quiet mind he would have drank me dry.

My jaw chattered and my teeth collided painfully. He was talking to me, mouthing words that I couldn't make out until I had tunnel vision and everything was zeroed in on him.

_I'm sorry,_ he mouthed. _I'm so sorry, Bella._

A ring of white came in from the outside of my vision and eclipsed everything. I fell backward and someone caught me, I whispered something that was unintelligible to my own ears.

--

_"I think the blue looks better," Edward muttered from my bed._

_He was lying on his side with an arm propping his head up. He flipped through a magazine that Jessica had brought over. Her attempt at healing my shattered perception on reality ended up with her talking about giving someone a blow job and how it increased her confidence. Incidentally, that magazine had been the thing to prod her forward._

_It had been three months since Lauren's "accident" in the parking lot. I was the only witness who saw the car go up in flames and therefore was treated like the victim. That's what people did in situations like these, though. They felt guilty and the burden needed to be lifted. If they looked upon me as the sole pain bearing person along with Lauren's family they could move on easily. I had adopted Edward's morbid way of thinking to try and rid the burden from my own shoulders._

_"The green is disgusting," Edward continued and flipped a page. "It says here if you wear green men will think you're attracting them with open flirtation."_

_I pulled out my shoes from inside my closet and continued to ignore him. Jessica and Angela had insisted on having a birthday party for me. My horrendous and traumatic events had left me inconsolable for weeks. They decided it would be best to tell me before hand, lest I lash out and never speak to the two of them again. It was supposed to be small, they'd promised me that much._

_I grabbed a white knee length skirt with ruffles down the side. Renee had sent it to me in a box of birthday clothing. She'd come down for a week to cry with me and have sleepovers—which I had bribed her into. I didn't want to be around Edward anymore. He had become too comfortable, cracking jokes at my expense._

_"Eventually you'll have to speak to me," he said and flipped the magazine closed. He was behind me in an instant and I jumped away. His hands circled my waist. "I've been patient enough."_

_"Leave me alone," I choked._

_He chuckled behind me. "See?" His tongue traced the shell of my ear. _

_I went still; I should have thrown myself into the closet, no matter how futile it was. I stood there, though, my heart racing, and he ripped my shirt from my chest, buttons flying across the room and pinging across the hardwood. I heard one plop into my soup bowl and another smack against the mirror on my dresser._

_My breathing picked up and my body trembled. His hand easily slid up under the cup of my bra and covered my breast. I clenched my teeth in order not to make a sound and his index finger bent, touching the tip of my nipple. It slipped down again and he squeezed it between his index and middle finger's knuckles. _

_"I can smell it," he said quietly. "Every time you sleep your dreams force you to clench your thighs. When you tell me to go away—"_

_"Please go away," I whispered. He pinched my nipple roughly and I screwed my eyes closed._

_"You think you can make yourself want me to go away if you say it out loud, but you don't want it."_

_"I do want it!" I yelled. "You killed Lauren, you're making me miserable."_

_"I can make you feel better," he breathed in my ear and his hips pushed forward forcefully, making me gasp and yelp at the force. His other hand came up from my waist and tore my bra off, cupping my other breast in his hand. He pulled his head back and groaned. "Everything I do makes your body react. It's singing for me, every hormone, your blood. The sooner you give in the happier we'll both be."_

_I struggled to get away, but I knew it was halfhearted. This sick bastard had gotten into my head and the chemical changes in my body had grown accustomed to his. I looked down, something in the sight of his hands, covering my chest with my nipples peeking out between his fingers, had me flustered._

_"Fuck, just like that," he whispered so low I wasn't sure I heard correctly._

_"I don't want this," I croaked, more to myself than anyone else._

_"We both know that's a filthy lie," he hissed. As if to prove his point, he reached under my skirt and grabbed onto my panties, tugging them off and then holding up the stained crotch. I stuttered in embarrassment and struggled to get away, no longer in the trance I had been in._

_"That's disgusting!" I yelled at him. My arms crossed over my chest and I shivered at his steely gaze._

_"It's proof." His eyes were level._

_"I know how my own body reacts. I knew it was there, you did it to be inappropriate," I snapped._

_He rolled his eyes and fell back on my bed, my panties dangling from his finger. He held them out to me, his finger pressing against the damp spot. I snatched them away and threw them into the hamper, grabbing another pair._

_I picked a new shirt at random, the green one, and a pair of underwear before rushing to the bathroom. He laughed behind me but I focused on getting dressed and not crying._

**

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A/N: In case you've read any of my other stuff, _Memento Mori_ has an extra chapter added for the Fandom Gives back. I enjoyed writing it and I think anyone who read it and fell in love with the characters like I did will enjoy it.

**Also, Fictionista WitFit Challenge is going on. There are some great authors involved that get a daily prompt and write about it. I'm also participating and you can still sign up for some late challenges by typing Fictionista into either Live Journal or Twitter.**

**Don't forget to review!**


	17. Chapter 17 Please read AN

**A/N: PLEASE READ.**

**This will be the last update for this story for some time. I had it pre-written and I'm glad for it.**

**I am sorry to say that because of a death in my immediate family that I will be away from FanFiction for an indefinite amount of time.**

**I'm grateful for the kind words that everyone has given me upon announcing this on Twitter. I'll try to stay in contact through that, but I'm afraid that I'm just not in any mood or mindset to focus on FanFiction. I am lucky to have amazing readers and reviewers; people who support me in my time of need and understand that I need to be away for my family.**

**Thank you.**

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_June_

---

Edward

---

Before Bella hit the floor Carlisle's arms had her cradled against his chest. She mumbled an apology and her heartbeat began to calm down again. The hormones of her terror slowly left the room in breezes through the window.

Everyone was still, completely focused on Bella's sleeping body. Her cheeks were pale; the life that was always teeming within them was flushed away. Her limbs were limp and dangling from the cradle Carlisle had made. He quickly laid her down on the couch against the far wall. She choked on a sound lodged in her throat. I sighed quietly as her eyes began to dart behind her lids.

Standing in horror by the door, Esme was still as the dead and her mind was… completely blank. She was in shock, I realized, and her mind's eye was focused on the sight of Bella lying lifelessly on the couch.

I hadn't thought about her seeing the crimson. It took me months to get the gold and I, for some reason, assumed the same about human blood. Looking back at my rash decision to barge in here, ticked off by Carlisle's invasion of privacy, I had clearly made the biggest mistake in all of history. And as if I couldn't have made it worse, while she scrambled away I moved closer. I didn't believe that she would be scared of me, it didn't register.

_Edward_, Carlisle called in a whisper. _Words can't describe what I'm feeling toward you._ My shoulders went taught and Esme finally snapped out of her stupor. _Once I take care of Bella I'll meet you outside._

"N—"

"_Go!"_ he snarled.

Esme placed a timid hand on my shoulder and pulled me back. She moved forward to help Carlisle return circulation to Bella's arms and legs. I stepped back slowly.

I couldn't just leave her alone with the two of them. I needed to be here, to make sure that she was safe. They didn't know anything about her… if they did something wrong and she was hurt because of it I would break my promise.

Carlisle's head snapped up and his pitch black eyes were piercing into mine. I flinched back at the rage and moved out from the room. I looked at Carlisle as the peacemaker, but his history was violent and bloody. I suddenly feared for my own safety.

I paced outside the property of the house. The forest surrounding the area was quiet but Carlisle's thoughts still floated to me, subdued but barely. His patience was that of a saint and the fact that he could barely focus on Bella made my spine tense.

The thought of Bella alone with any other vampire sans myself was an unforgivable crime on my part. Then again, her reaction to my eyes was not something I had expected to be so intense.

There was no color connection with red, was there? I tried to think, long and hard, about why she'd have the reaction she did. The only thing that came to mind were the early days of our relationship. She'd called me a red eyed monster on more than one occasion.

I sank down, my head between my knees, hands gripping them with enough strength to choke out a rhinoceros. My bones groaned but I ignored them. The illusion of pain was pleasant, something I hadn't felt in too long.

I should have thought my plan out more. When I left to hunt my intentions had not been to kill a human. I came across a herd of deer, in the midst of drinking from a large buck when the human hunters came out. Upon seeing me with the animal's neck to my mouth they fired, bullets pierced through my shirt but otherwise not doing much damage. I struck without thinking.

But, I thought, why not get more out it? That preceding conclusion led to my feast.

It took months for my eyes to change from red to gold, only a matter of minutes before the crimson stained my irises, soon blackened out from the bloodlust.

That lust consumed me to an excruciating extent. I could go to town, lure a hooker or street rat. No one would miss them. They were abominations to society; I'd be doing them a favor by taking away those influences. I could have a meal and still be morally just.

The philosophical side of me shrugged, urging me forward. Why torment myself over something I wanted so badly? The conscious part of my inner human yelled for me to remain in control. I hadn't once bitten Bella even though every piece of my being argued to just snap. One drop of blood would have been enough, it screamed daily, but as soon as I had that taste… God, I wouldn't be able to stop.

Just the thought made me go insane. She was upstairs, perfectly unconscious. She wouldn't notice an incision on her leg, just enough to take a sip….

_This is why you refrained from drinking humans,_ my brain yelled. _Bella is the woman you rotated your life for and yet you still believe that one taste would make everything better. Pathetic._

_Edward._

Fuck. Carlisle was on the porch, black eyes nearly dead in their fury and his face twisted into an ugly sneer. I'd never feared the man as much I did right then. Not when he'd thrown me into a mighty oak on my second week of life, not when he punched me for thinking about switching to humans, not even when I threatened to kill him. No, nothing compared to the sheer scrape of anger that was unleashed in my mind.

I stood from my upright fetal position; legs shoulder length apart and arms at my sides. His eyes wouldn't leave mine, most likely watching the now bright crimson splash around.

"Go," he said quietly.

I turned and ran for the woods, sprinting like a mad man. Carlisle waited half a minute before bolting from the porch and following my trail. I was faster than him, always had been, but his anger forced his legs to pump harder until he was on my tail. Even with my head start he was gaining.

The human blood in my system made breaking through tree trunks and roots easier, I bounced off of rocks and boulders. I couldn't remember the last time I felt so utterly free.

That excitement didn't last long as Carlisle's fingers grasped at my shirt, ripping it from my body. I ran faster, moved my legs harder trying to escape him but also enjoying the freedom that came with the abandon. It had been years since I ran like my life depended on it—which it did now—and I enjoyed it too much for words to describe.

Carlisle tackled me to the ground.

I hit the forest floor, taking in a lump of dirt and spitting it out. His hands clasped together, keeping me on the ground. Struggling against him, we wrestled in the dirt, snarling and growling like wild animals.

This man had been my mentor, yes, but I had gone back to my instincts. Which were yelling at me to fight him off.

I elbowed him in the face. His nose cracked under the strain and healed right back into place. He reciprocated the movement, this time on the cheek. My skin hissed as it melded back together. By the time it was healed together he was breaking my arm.

"Off you bastard!" I yelled.

"What have you done?" he hissed.

I rolled away but he was still stuck to my back, legs pinning my thighs to the ground. I felt like a fly being held down by a child's thumb. Our sounds rumbled off the trees and rocks, some leaves fell down on us from above. They shimmered and hit the ground, mocking me with their freedom.

One leg fell from his embrace. I swiveled it up and kicked him in the back. Carlisle fell off and with him my hands were finally free.

I knew why he stopped me so abruptly instead of enjoying the chase. A few miles away I could smell the exhaust of a city. The air was tangible with each movement.

"You think I'll hunt?" I asked, offended.

Carlisle jumped to his feet, towering over where I was crouched. "Once you start on the human diet it is not easy to stop. I refuse to let you go back. We'll both regret it."

"I regret nothing," I spat.

Features harsh, he lunged. I managed to roll away, barely.

"In a few years you'll realize how much it hurts. Tell me, when you stopped feeding on humans the first time how did it feel?"

I tried not to let him see how much his words affected me. Truth was, after three years with Bella I began to think over the people I'd killed. That little girl I'd killed at the church gave me more grief than I'd ever felt before. Her delicate screams and warm, silk blood wasn't enough and immediately afterwards I took off to find a bigger target.

I liked to think that without her I wouldn't have found my motivation to go after criminals. After killing her I found a man trying to have his way with an unwilling woman and snapped his neck. She thanked me, not caring about how much I wanted to kill her as well.

"You're thinking about it. Do you see how much things can change? Even criminals as you've done in the past, it's not enough. Soon you'll go after girls like—"

"Don't say it, Carlisle."

"Bella," he finished.

I shuddered, not enjoying his idea of revelation. I didn't want to kill Bella. I'd been trying for so damn long not to kill her, even when she infuriated me beyond belief.

I tackled him to the ground. His ancient expertise against my mind reading and newly fortified strength were about equal. He tried to get his arms around my neck, fingers into my jugular, anything that would give him the upper hand, but I was a step ahead of him each time.

Trying to fight Carlisle was useless. He knew how to get out of any kind of lock I put on him. Instead, I focused on defense. I wasn't so sure that if he did indeed get his arms around my neck that he'd stop to think about what he was doing.

"Idiot," he snarled.

I ducked, narrowly missing a punch. "Would you calm down? Listen Goddamn you!"

His fist flew towards me, but the other one came around to trap my shoulders. "You better be kind to God, you'll be visiting him very soon."

His arm drew upwards and he had my throat poised at the curve of his arm. One squeeze and I'd be decapitated. I swallowed and stopped struggling. If he didn't calm down I'd be a dead man.

"I'll give you two minutes," he snapped.

"The human blood will help kill the nomads. I'll stop right after—I swear, Carlisle."

"And what if you can't, Edward? What if you try to go back but find that you like humans too much? You'll be stronger then; I won't be able to kill you this easily.

I was offended. "This wasn't easy."

He ignored me. "Tell me, what will you do then?"

"I can't put Bella at more of a risk than she's already in. If I can't stop, kill me. Do whatever it takes no matter how hard I struggle. I don't want to go back to humans if it's not necessary. That little girl—"

"I know," he murmured. "I know, Edward. Just don't let that little girl become Bella. Please."

He released my throat. I fell to my knees, his weight no longer supporting me. My human instinct was to cough, dislodge the imaginary pain. Something about that simple need made me feel a little more human, a little less monster.

Carlisle leaned against a tree; his already pale skin looked ashen. His thoughts were exhausted and all he wanted to do was get back to Esme. The last he'd seen of her she'd been hovering over Bella.

"We have contacts," Carlisle said offhandedly. "When she wakes up you should wear them. She's very faint of heart when looking at your eyes. Wonder what could have triggered such a reaction." His eyebrow rose accusatorily.

"I wasn't the kindest person in the beginning," I mumbled, rubbing a hand over the back of my neck. "Her fear and reactions were everything I expected and more."

"Still," he muttered. "This is a dire position you've put her in. I don't know what would possess you to kidnap an innocent girl and physically maim her—why the guilty look all of a sudden?"

I swallowed. If only he knew the half of it. Carlisle's eyebrow rose followed by the other one, his mouth hung ajar and incredulity was painted over his face.

"I'm sorry," I said quickly. "Carlisle—"

"Edward," he snapped. "Would your mother be proud? Would your father accept that you picked her up for the sheer enjoyment of abusing her physically and mentally?"

"I don't enjoy—"

"You weren't raised this way. I'm ashamed to have changed you and see that this is what's become of you. So much promise in you, boy, and you have to go and ruin everything. This was your second chance!"

"I didn't _ask_ to be changed. You took the liberty of your own volition," I snarled.

"You didn't ask but your mother did." He narrowed his eyes, shoulders hunching. The image of my mother on her deathbed, begging Carlisle to save me, came quickly and smashed into my mental barriers. I smacked my hands over my ears, unwilling to listen to the woman who had taken care of and loved me for the better part of my life. "If for nothing else, rethink your plans for your mother's sake."

Carlisle spun on his heel, running off into the forest with a trail of leaves and dust behind him. I stood, waiting for him to come back, knock me into the ground, call me names. But he never did.

I was left to wallow in my misery and shame. And God, there was a lot of it.

He was right. My mother would be disgusted with me, she'd disown ever having known me. My father would have whooped some sense into me, thrown heavy law books at my head. I suddenly wished Carlisle would come back and crack open my skull. I shouldn't have fought back.

Falling onto my back, I looked toward the heavens, waiting for salvation. The raindrops pitter pattered against my cheeks and nose. I opened my mouth, catching them on my tongue and swallowing. It tasted like nothing, didn't cool down my new need to hunt in a violent way.

"Please," I yelled to the gray clouds.

No response other than raindrops coming down harder.

"I need help."

Birds sang from the treetops, flying to escape the rain.

"Just this one time," I whispered.

Nothing but utter silence.

I picked up a rock and pelted it into the clouds. I wouldn't have been surprised if it never came down and was stuck in the atmosphere as another stray piece of solar foliage.

Every damn time I needed a miracle there wouldn't be one. Every time I needed some forgiveness after everything I'd been through there was none. For soulless monsters I expected it—anticipated it for years. But now that I really, truly needed help, the Gods frowned on me and instead let me lie in the rain after being reprimanded by Carlisle. Damn loyal servant. Bet they gave him whatever he asked for.

I sat up, shaking the twigs and mud from my hair. I could smell the fumes of the city. I could have gone to hunt, just to be prepared. It was dangerous sitting out in the middle of the woods. Even with my new diet I found myself constantly jarring. I wasn't used to ease with which my muscles moved and the new speed. I was a clumsy mess and a bit embarrassed that my vampire grace was on the fritz.

I got up quickly and made a slow jog back to the house. I kept out of range from Carlisle's and Esme's to hearing, the last thing I needed was either one coming out and ripping me to pieces. I deserved to be killed, maimed and destroyed.

As soon as I found myself drawing closer to the house, my anxiety high and mighty, Esme stepped onto the porch. She sat down, bringing me forward with her mind. I eagerly moved forward from the woods, running toward her. Though guarded, I could see Bella in her mind, awake and dazed.

"Is she alright?" I asked upon arriving at her side.

She sat in a wicker rocking chair with extra padding. The small twigs snapped under her hard body but stayed in place. Esme drew her legs underneath her, looking up at me with a blank expression.

"Carlisle has told me so much about you," she said, disappointment dripping from her tone. "The first thing I thought when he told me you had a human with you was that she was gone. That you would kill her immediately and without a second thought." I swallowed. "But you didn't. You've been with her for three years now, and I'm not going to humor your petty, childish ways. Tell me right now, yes or no, do you love this girl?"

"No," I answered immediately.

She laughed a little hysterically. "Well she's in love with you."

My shoulders locked, my spine jolted upright, ready to just… attack something. Esme provided little threat to me, but I wanted to snap her neck in that moment. It was like she'd offended my very being, first asking me if I loved someone—a _human_—and then making me seem like an incredible asshole for not feeling so.

"Stop lying," I snarled.

Her jaw locked and her eyes went out of focus. The motherly chaos and wrath I saw in her eyes exploded and she slapped me hard across the face. Her palm made enough contact to crack the skin of my cheek.

"I wouldn't lie to you," she hissed. "What is best for the both of you is obvious. You need to leave her alone, let her get over the hell you've put her through."

"No," I snapped.

She stood up, and though her small frame reached my chin, she resonated pure, unadulterated anger. "Listen to me Edward," she nearly whispered, so low my ears had to strain to catch the sound wave. "You've destroyed that girl. She won't be the same person, not after what you've done to her—what you are doing to her."

I stood still listening to her, trying my damndest not to jump the gun and bring my fist up, snap her neck and then get Bella. The human blood made my body sizzle, venom screaming to release and sink into another body.

"Esme," I murmured. "Get away."

"No," she growled. "What that girl told me—" her whole body shuddered and I realized why Carlisle took me into the woods.

That bastard led me away from the house so Esme could interview her. All I saw was red, bleeding red consuming my impulses and breaking through with rage, absolute anger and violence toward these damn people.

I pushed her aside, feeble protests no use against my refreshed limbs. Esme screamed for me to stop, wrapped her arms around my waist and pulling me from the doorway. I dragged her into the living room, jolting backward with each of her tugs.

Carlisle was at the top of the stairs, black eyes glaring down at me. His jaw was taught and his muscles were coiled like a wild beast.

_Yes!_ my mind screamed. _Attack me! Just do it, lunge so I can rip your heart out and give it to your wife._

My rational side was out of my body, floating beyond the smog of the city and waiting to come back. Irrationality was jeering for me to go forward, kill what stood between me and what I wanted. And what I wanted to get Bella and drag her out into the woods, fuck her and bite her.

Ration flew back into my chest, jolting me forward to my knees. Ration knew better than to hurt Bella, knew that without her I'd go back to the monster than consumed me for years. I'd just turn back, find a different human to torment in hopes of recalling my humanity.

"Get her out of here," I gasped. My instincts roared. "No! Don't touch her!"

Carlisle didn't move from his spot on the staircase, just watched me like an idiot. He didn't move or attack me, just sat there like a fucking… a fucking moron and _watched_ as I attempted not to kill him and then Bella.

"What's wrong with him?"

To Carlisle's left Bella stood unnoticed. At her voice every eye was trained on her pallid featured, dark, wide eyes and stringy hair. I licked my lips.

When I snarled at her, she didn't move. Bella looked like she was apathetic to the whole situation. It was as if she'd known that this would happen and took her fate with arms wide open.

She sighed, shuffling past Carlisle's inanimate form. His mind was rushing with the analysis of why and how I was battling my senses and instincts. At Bella's movement he shoved his arm out, nearly making contact with her stomach.

Bella ducked under it and walked down the stairs, a throw blanket was wrapped around her shoulders, blocking the chill from the open door. My body was frozen in place, half in shock and half in control of biting her. If I didn't move I'd have a more likely chance at not dismembering her.

"Just do it," she whispered, flipping her hair to one shoulder and arching her neck in a sensuous movement. "Come on, I won't even scream."

Esme took in a gasp, "Bella, back away," she whispered, voice in shock. "Please... please."

She shrugged. "What have I got to live for anyway? Nomads are chasing me, I'm stuck with you and any shot at having a normal life is forever gone. Even if I go back to Washington nothing will be the same. It's either you kill me now, right here, or I go back to Forks and do it myself."

"You're," I swallowed. "You're threatening suicide if I don't kill you?"

She laughed humorlessly, all the confirmation I needed.

"This is… unbelievable," Carlisle muttered.

Bella swallowed thickly, clenching the blanket around her shoulders. Her body was humming, her heart beating through the room in fast palpitation. I salivated at the thought of getting my jaw around her slender neck.

My body set for attack, and before I could leap at her, Esme was guarding Bella. The sight of another vampire try to keep _my human_ from _me_ made every instinct short circuit into hyper drive.

"Off," I snapped.

"Esme," Carlisle whispered.

She stepped from Bella, still keeping her within arms length but made sure to keep her inoffensive distance. Bella tried to brush her aside, stepping closer to me, her eyes darted around frantically.

And all I could do was stand there and not move a muscle in fear of killing her.

"Just do it!" she screamed. "Do it you coward!"

"Bella," Carlisle said sternly. His voice echoed around the room for a few seconds and she stopped immediately.

I swallowed back venom and slowly made my way backwards, trying so desperately to escape from the nightmare that I put myself in. How had this all come about? I had everything figured out! I would spend a few years with Bella, do whatever I pleased and that would be the end of it. In my head it was so damn simple.

But now I had to change her or let her go—maybe even hand her over to death. More like deliver with my own being. She smelled good, like on the first night walking home. The cold air had made her cheeks heat up, blood rushing to her face through the canals in her neck, just pulsing and begging….

"You're leaving?" she gasped accusatorily.

I clenched my jaw. "Have to."

"Then take me with you. You said we couldn't stay, and if you're leaving I want to go with you."

Was she an idiot? "No."

She made to dart around Esme, her arms were outstretched as if to catch me, but she was caught around the waist and hauled back. Esme's mind screamed for me to go before my instincts took over and I did just that.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: Sorry this took so long. Life's been kicking my ass but I have a rough idea of where I'm taking this and how long it should take. But that's for me to know and you to find out.**

**Without further ado, chapter 18.  
**

* * *

_June_

---

Bella

---

I refused to cry. No, crying would get me absolutely no where, in fact it would set me back a few paces. I desperately clung to those paces, unwilling to acknowledge the fact that I may have had 'Stockholm Syndrome' as Carlisle so delicately put it. Any loyalty I had to Edward was hanging in the realm of indecision.

I was given a choice, vampire or human, and those were the only two that I could even fathom to use. Going back to a normal life would be impossible at this point. The long lasting repercussions of my time with Edward would undoubtedly affect my ability to interact with humans.

Being something like him, though, I didn't think I could handle doing it. How could I turn myself into a monster? And if Edward continually told me no, time after time told me it wasn't an option, didn't that mean he wouldn't want me around? I could be a human without him, or a rampant newborn out for blood without him. Either one wasn't looking appealing.

Damn stupid man. It was his fault I was in shit up to my knees and he just goes and leaves.

I wiped at some snot on my upper lip and ignored Esme. She'd been coming every half hour for what seemed like days. I was tired of her voice and her presence; I just wanted to be alone. This was her form of suicide watch.

"Bella," she whispered, pressing a cup of water into my palm. Maybe that was why I couldn't cry anymore.

"Please go away," I mumbled, burying my face further into the mattress.

She sighed and drew closer. I felt her weight on the bed and screwed my eyes closed. Could no one humor me?

She combed her fingers through my hair. "The human blood, though drastic, was a bit of a necessity." I looked up at her with a blank face. I wanted to scream at her. "I think it was Edward's way of solving the question of you being changed. If he had the power of a newborn—or close to it—you wouldn't have to be changed for war. Which wouldn't have happened anyway, mind you."

"Doesn't matter," I snapped. "He's gone. Maybe if I'm lucky he won't come back."

"We both know you're lying," she said softly, her gold eyes were no-nonsense, far too insightful.

During our time alone, after I'd passed out, we spoke briefly about feelings and emotions. I poured out everything I'd been feeling. It had been so long since I told someone how I felt and I found it extremely therapeutic. But looking at her I knew immediately that our chat had not been between the two of us.

I stared at her incredulously, trying to wrap my head around this motherly woman's betrayal. I don't know why I expected her to keep my secrets, I barely knew her. Still, the wound from which she stabbed a knife in my back was throbbing.

I threw the covers from my body, backing away from her. The entire time she didn't act like an innocent, just watched me with knowing eyes. She wasn't even guilty!

"You told him," I accused.

"I did." Her eyes were solemn, like she was telling me it was for the good of the world. "It was necessary, Bella."

I twisted my mouth and squinted my eyes, disgusted with her. I trusted this woman and she just… just took everything I confided in her and threw it in my face—and Edward's as well. Esme knew this as she sat there, saying not one word in her defense. She honestly believed that this was in our best interest. That only served to infuriate me more.

"Necessary." I hissed the word; my fists clenched enough to force my nails into my palms. "What I told you was in secrecy—you weren't supposed to tell anyone! I obviously wasn't in my right mind and you took advantage of me!"

She raised her hands up as if she thought I was afraid of her attacking. I was the one ready to attack her. "You know Edward is a chronic over thinker. He'll try to get this through his skull and soon enough he'll come to realize…" She tilted her head, trying to get me to finish.

I scoffed. "What? Come to realize he _loves_ me and that the last three years were some kind of demented flirtation method? Esme, I don't think you're stupid enough to believe that."

Her eyes narrowed. "I believe that you didn't go through this for nothing. Both of you have suffered enough and now that Edward found the other path—the one of peace and—"

"Don't preach please," I sighed exasperatedly.

Her poker face chipped a bit as her eyebrows came down and mouth morphed into a straight line. Her expression reminded me of Edward before he threw me over his shoulder and locked me in a room for hours. I hadn't realized I was backing away until my shoulders touched the wall.

"Bella?" she said quietly. "What's wrong?"

My fists shook as I balled them up. Tears pricked pitifully at my eyes and I had to take in a shuddering breath in order not to break down. "I don't want him to come back."

She looked crushed in that instant. I didn't understand what she could possibly have invested but I suddenly felt as though I'd robbed her. Esme ran a hand over her perfect stone face and sighed quietly. She was so _old_. The withdrawal of her hand revealed dark bruises under her contradicting amber eyes and lines folded around her mouth. She went from youthful and stylish to haggard and tired.

Her eyes closed heavily. "I'll speak with Carlisle," she whispered. "We'll set you back up in Washington after everything you've been through. I'm sorry, Bella."

"Wait! I can't go back to Washington!" I yelled at her, but it was too late.

The click of the door left me all to myself and my thoughts ran rampant through my skull. Back to Washington. Back to home. I would be able to see Charlie again and go to school and work. I could sleep easier at night knowing Edward wouldn't be there watching me.

I groaned aloud. I could barely sleep now without his eyes on me. I'd become used to him and thinking about my mundane, boring life after this was unsettling at best. So what if he didn't care about me? I knew he'd leave sooner or later but I deserved some peace of mind.

I picked up the small phone on my large vanity and dialed the number I knew by heart. The buttons felt comforting brushing against the pads of my finger and every nerve zinged for a voice I hadn't heard in so long. On the third ring a groggy voice mumbled something unintelligible, a smoker's cough following directly after.

"Mom," I sobbed.

I heard the sound of sheets shuffling and a male groan. "Bella? It's like three in the morning, what's wrong?"

"I really just need you, mom. I'm confused and—and—"

"Is it about a boy?" she asked knowingly.

"Yeah," I sighed. I heard her husband's voice tell her to move to another room and the distant sounds of my mother. She made an affirmative noise and my knees buckled onto the hardwood. "I love him."

"Lemme guess," she sighed. "Doesn't love you back?"

"I don't think so. Someone else told him and he was… offended."

She yawned. "Did you know your father's friend told me about Charlie's crush? I had no feelings toward him, none at all. But you know what? He made an effort. Charlie walked me home, picked me up for school, bought me lunch and let me use his locker when mine had this infestation problem," she sighed. "I guess we spent so much time together it seemed natural to date, and I did like him, but I knew he was in love and I was scared of that."

"Mom, I don't—"

"It's role reversal. Charlie loved me, I didn't love him—or so I thought." She sucked in a deep breath. "Does talking about my ex while my husband sleeps in the room over make me a bad person? Oh well. I didn't tell him I loved him until the night he proposed, and that was because he didn't say it either. People kept telling me, all the time, 'Oh, you two are perfectly in love.' But, the moral of this story is that _you_ need to tell him, Bella."

"I don't think I can…"

"Bella, if you don't tell him then nothing will ever happen. Maybe if Charlie told me sooner things would have worked out."

My stomach clenched up and I glared at the floor. As a child I wished my parents would magically get back together, told myself that no matter what I would never be that way. I let my mom go abruptly and quickly redialed.

Some part of me hoped that Edward would pick up, that same part also realized that after his storm off he was probably in the process of killing someone. His voicemail picked up, an automated woman asking me to record my message.

"Edward, come back here when you're done," I said levelly and hung up.

I would get my solace, my peace of mind.

--

_ "You shouldn't go out with a flimsy jacket when it's this cold. Your body temperature is rising, within a week you'll more than likely come down with a cold, and if you don't eat correctly like you have been you'll catch the flu. I don't think I've seen you eat a vegetable since I arrived."_

_ "Stop it," I mumbled into my pillow._

_ "Your immune system is weaker than most of the humans I've encountered. But then again I haven't been around them long enough to progressively study their anatomy and system breakdown. You need to take vitamins. Vitamin C is imperative during the winter season."_

_ I shoved my head under a pillow and drew my legs to my chest. Edward had become too comfortable, much too comfortable. He never stopped babbling and I missed the silence of his contemplative eyes across the room._

_ His finger drew a line along my spine. He also shared my bed now. I wasn't stupid enough to believe the cold bothered him when he was frigid at every moment, but I had no power to knock him out and my tantrums were useless. I rolled away and threw a book at him._

_ "I don't know if I like this feisty streak or if I'm annoyed by it," he mused. "I miss you being scared of me and cowering into your blankets."_

_ "Maybe if you go back to brooding and glaring I'll be afraid again. Listening to you talk about the wonders of amoebas for two hours has crushed any fear I have of you."_

_ "We both know that's not true."_

_ I said nothing. Truth be told, I was still terrified of him. He had obsessive compulsive symptoms at times. One moment we'd be talking and the next he'd have me pinned to some surface and commanding me to beg him for my freedom. I realized the head games he was playing with me, I knew it was coming, but I had become used to them._

_ His hand slipped under the fabric of my shirt and grazed the skin of my lower back. The first time he did it I had screamed, fallen from my bed and scared the life out of Charlie, now I sank into my bed and closed my eyes. His fingers kneaded my muscles, his nails rubbed at the expanse of my back and I became instantly relaxed. The gesture made me think of my mom. I would crawl into her room and talk with her while she scratched my back until I fell asleep._

_ The heavier my eyes became the further up my shirt would go. Somewhere in my mind I realized what was going on. It had been this way for awhile now and each time I turned away, shooing his hands. This time was different, though._

_ The cotton bottom of my shirt touched the nape of my neck as it was moved; my breasts fell from the softness and onto the flannel on my bedding. My nipples hardened and my thighs clenched._

_ "The masturbatory needs of teenage girls," Edward whispered, "is somewhat compulsive." His lips touched the shell of my ear and he was under the covers with me. "You're at the age where impulses take you, feelings arise and confusion settles in the wake of childhood innocence. If I wasn't around I know you would roll onto your back and shamelessly throw your pants around those slender ankles and spread your knees."_

_ I turned my head away, unwilling to think about this. My body had betrayed my mind and in retaliation it allowed this moment. I knew in the morning everything would be put into a horrible perspective and I'd make myself suffer with pitiable thoughts, but now—now I would… enjoy this._

_ "No moral plea to stop tonight?" he murmured. "It's about damn time. Just lay still and let me take control."_

_ My jaw clenched. Always. He always had control._

_ The tips of his fingers grazed the sides of my breasts, just a gentle touch before he dragged them down my back and to the swell of my hips. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. My mind went back to what he'd said so many months ago, was this really willing? I wasn't participating, I wasn't touching him back but I wasn't fighting him off either._

_ The bed shifted and I felt his knees touching mine, trapping my legs. His elbows were at my shoulders and his mouth was on my neck. "Your skin is hotter than normal." His hands made a slow slide as my shirt slipped over my head and was thrown to the floor. "Why tonight?"_

_ "My dad's not home," I mumbled._

_ He chose not to rebuff my statement and instead sat back. His shirt was next to mine and then his chest was against my back. It wasn't as enjoyable as I thought it would be. The cold air in my room was only warded off by the small space heater and Edward's body took away the affect completely._

_ "Your hands are shaking," he noted. "Is that because you're shy, or do you want me to hurry up?"_

_ I tucked my hands under my chin and stared at the headboard. I refused to give him any reaction. My curiosity had been played with and I wanted to see what my opportunity cost had been each time I turned him away._

_ His hands wormed their way underneath my stomach, fingering my hip bones and spreading over my naval before gliding upward. I had to arch my body away from his cold touch, lifting my chest and giving him easy access. I mashed my chest back into the flannel but it was too late. His hands were cupping my breasts and tugging at my nipples. I whined a bit and panic set in._

_ "Calm," he ordered._

_ "Too cold. I want you to stop." I shivered, making to grab my shirt._

_ Edward picked up the space heater and placed it on my nightstand. I glared at it. The heat blew down my back to replace Edward's chill and I relaxed a little more. _

_ A current of wind soared past my flesh and my warm chest was bare to the cold air of my room. I dropped my arms to fight off the sudden invasion. Edward lifted my hands back over my head and I grabbed onto the pillows. _

_ He unabashedly fondled me, fingers pinching and testing different strengths. His tongue came out to join his hands and the saliva from his mouth burned my flesh. The tingles from the aftershocks left my skin warm. He licked a painful trail down my abdomen and I wormed away from him. Edward grinned, thinking my squirming was from the intense pleasure he thought himself capable of._

_ "Stop the tongue," I begged._

_ He looked up at me, mouth open and eyes wide. His eyebrows came together and he clenched his jaw. He wrenched my pants down my legs, tossing them over his shoulders and staring down my panties. I imagined they'd be running given the choice._

_ He gripped either side and watched the yellow cotton rip delicately. I sat up, not liking the sudden brutality. I came up to his naval while he kneeled above me, pushing me down once more._

_ "I don't want to do this anymore," I said, indignant._

_ "Yes you do." He rolled his eyes, hands going to his belt and slipping it through the buckle. My forehead crinkled and then it hit me,_

_ "Don't!" I spluttered._

_ "Lay down and I won't," he reasoned. _

_ I fell to my back and crossed my arms over my chest, pissed and embarrassed, angry and horny. He spread my knees easily, ignoring my attempt at keeping them closed._

_ "What do you want? You can dictate, it's your body after all," he asked. I stared at him for a few seconds, replaying his words in my mind._

_ "Uh, you're asking me?" He nodded and sat back, elbows on his knees. By dignifying his question I'd be giving in, participating and willingly giving myself over just like he'd said. "Not tonight."_

_ He calmly nodded, a smirk playing on his lips. His eyes said it all. Sure, I resisted for tonight, but what about the next? And the night after that?_

_--_

_ "I don't _get_ it," Jessica sighed. "Seriously, I've been flirting with him for months. Months! You've seen my effort, right, Bella? Right?"_

_ I nodded dutifully. "Of course."_

_ "I thought after… after that night a couple weeks ago he'd finally see why I've been drooling all over him. You know why he doesn't see it? Mike likes you. There, I said it."_

_ "That's ridiculous."_

_ "No it's not!" She threw her hands up in frustration. "You don't have a boyfriend so you're fair game. Have you, like, put out in the past or something?"_

_ I put down my pen and turned in my swivel chair to look at her. Jessica had a worry mark strained across the length of her forehead. She was flipping urgently through a beauty magazine like it would hold the key to all her life problems. Her obvious jabs at my self-esteem had worn off days ago. It was her defense tactic and I chose not to hold it against her._

_ "Maybe you should just wear shorter skirts," I reasoned._

_ She peeked up and glared before throwing the magazine at me. I stared at the picture of a woman's mouth parted in ecstasy and a nicely sculpted male torso beside it. I looked from the article on giving great head to Jessica who was beet red and on the verge of tears._

_ Ah, so that's what she'd been blabbering about for so long. I'd assumed they mistakenly made out in a closet or a bathroom for a couple hours but it had gone a lot further than that. _

_ "Why doesn't he like me?" she cried. "I swallowed and everything!"_

_ I spouted something conventional and turned back to my composition book. I'd been writing out a journal on how I felt when Edward was away from the house. He took off whenever more than my father and I occupied the house. Before he came back I'd stash it at the bottom of my closet and pretend it never existed._

_ Jessica's sexual problems were the least of my concerns. Edward was relentless at night without touching my skin or removing clothes. It was God awful and every night ended the same way: me curled up on my side trying not cry or trying not to stick my hand between my legs. I envied Jessica. If I could just give Edward a blow job to make him go away I would have done it long ago._

_ "What do you do to make Mike so turned off?" I wondered aloud._

_ "Excuse me?" Jessica snapped._

_ I swiveled around to face her. What was I getting out of this friendship anyway? My laundry was being aired in front of my peers, she used me like a sponge to absorb all of her feelings without taking mine into consideration. I could do better off without her._

_ "I think you should leave Mike alone. Wait until you grow up to be less annoying."_

_ Her anger was a mild hurricane around my room. She knocked over my lamp, tore up the posters on my wall and threw my books to the floor. The shouts and curses that came from her mouth were unintelligible in her fury. I watched her without any emotion of regret or contempt for my actions. In all honesty, I felt… relieved._

_ Nail polish bottles crashed to the floor, their guts spilling across the hardwood. The glass glimmered like fish scales. The sheets on my bed went flying and I heard the squeals that assaulted my ears. Jessica was in front of me a moment later, hands grabbing my shoulders and shaking—shaking enough to rattle my teeth and leave bruises on my arms._

_ "Bitch!" she declared. "You can walk around and not care about but don't take out your shit on the only person who was your friend!"_

_ So that was it? I'd run out of stock so quickly? I could remember sitting at a full table with laughing faces and braces crammed with food. When did that stop exactly?_

_ I looked up to Jessica. Her eyes were red and her breath was heavy. I knew she wasn't used to anyone speaking ill of her to her face, but I didn't understand until now how selfish she was. I had a feeling if she got to know Edward they'd be great friends._

_ And all she had to do was turn around._

_ "Remove your hands," he growled._

_ Jessica gasped and a hand flew to her throat as the sudden intruder grabbed her elbow and pulled her away. My mouth fell open a bit as I watched Edward's instinctive defenses work on my side. It was nice to not be the one in Jessica's shoes._

_ "I… didn't—" she stopped and wrapped both arms around her middle. The frost from Edward's glare hit Jessica full on. "I'm leaving," she finished quickly._

_ The sun began to set and an orange glare from her retreating car made me wince. Edward's shoulders tensed and then he flew around the room, every pass he made had an object put back in place. In only a few moments my room was put back together with the broken bottles dumped into the trash._

_ "Impressive," I murmured. "Can you do the laundry, too?"_

_ He peered down at me almost hesitantly. "Self sabotage isn't something I see in you often."_

_ "Yeah, well, she wasn't that great of a friend. Look what she did to my room. That was the last shade of clear water blue before they discontinued the polish."_

_ I reached into the garbage can with the intention to pull out my favorite nail polish and use the remains. Edward grabbed my wrist gently and pulled me from my swivel chair. It made a quiet releasing noise as my weight eased off it_

_ Edward sat down on my bed, pulled me beside him and wiped the oil from my fingers. He did this all wordlessly and as night fell over my room I pulled away and sat up on my knees. Taking his face between my hands, I kissed him wordlessly and everything spiraled forward without production._

_ The movements were mechanical to me as clothing fell to the floor and I ignored the pain of his cold skin. Not one sound left my throat. I bottled it all up and closed my throat and by the time his pelvis was between my thighs and I was silently sobbing the whole thing was over._

_ I would imagine there was blood as his eyes became black and he unabashedly masturbated in my bed while I curled up and cried._

_ When Edward was finished he came on my pretty broken nail polish.

* * *

_

**A/N: Uneventful, but definitely not filler. I hope this brings you closer to the characters as the next few chapters will be delving into the climax of the story.**

**Thank you, don't forget to review.  
**


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: Endless apologies. If you're still out there, I hope you enjoy.  
**

* * *

_June_

---

Edward

---

I went back to Carlisle and Esme's home around four in the morning, hoping to avoid conflict with Bella.

She was pacing around the top floor, her face visible through the small window of her guest room. For a while I stood outside the perimeter of the house and watched, trying to gauge her mood. Though her face was shielded behind the windowpanes, I could see the lines of worry framing her eyes, marring her forehead.

Finally, I manned up and entered the house. Carlisle and Esme both passed weary glances my way. I expected Esme to run up, push me into a wall and decapitate me. She saw Bella as a frail child and her protective instincts seemed to have flown up to the forefront.

I said nothing, instead ran to the stairs and ignored Carlisle's thoughts. He was disappointed, that much was obvious. His thoughts went back to when I left him—the first time he'd been sure I killed a human by choice. He'd been crushed at my betrayal, horrified that I'd go so far back at the morals he'd instilled on me.

At the top of the stairs I noticed that the door to Bella's room had been cracked open. Esme's mind alerted me of the fact that she would be sleeping, tired from a long day of crying. Bella never slept with the door open. Not once since I had met her.

"Would you give us some privacy?" I murmured to the two downstairs.

_The chances of you biting her are too great, _Carlisle answered. _I'm afraid privacy is the last thing I'm willing to give._

"Then at least wait outside. I'd like some semblance of an illusion that we're alone." I paused, adding, "Please," as an after thought.

Carlisle disapproved, his body setting in like a stone waiting to be forced from his seat. Esme comprehended my request quickly and set a hand on his shoulder, budging his immovable position. The two left—Carlisle more reluctant and stalling—and set out into the forest beside the house. I could hear their rustling as they hunted and knew that they would hear everything.

Without further delay, I stepped forward and knocked on Bella's door. She didn't answer, and I hadn't expected her to.

The door creaked open slowly and she sat up straighter on the edge of the bed. She looked tired, and though she'd put some makeup on, I could still see the tear streaks that flushed her skin. The bags under her eyes were the same. Her attempt to look stronger only made her weaker.

Shaking the thought from my head I pulled a chair from the writing desk and took my seat in front of her. I hunched over, elbows on my knees to bring our eyes at the same level. She looked uncomfortable and I could see the crimson of my eyes reflecting in hers. I shouldn't have fed so mercilessly, if they were darker it would have been easier.

"I hope you're going to their funerals," she finally said. I grimaced at the thought and at her hoarse voice.

"They were homeless men on the outskirts of the town. I think only a newspaper will pick up their deaths." I shifted a bit, trying to act more human to offset the fear in her eyes. "Nevertheless, if you feel as though this will settle your conscious I'll go to whatever memorial is being held."

She subtly sighed and closed her eyes. "This isn't about me. It's about _you_. Don't you feel the least bit guilty?"

My brow furrowed. "Guilty? For what? For who I am and what I need in order to survive?" She opened her mouth to interrupt, argument written all over her face. "I never wanted this. I was forced into this life by someone else and then denied my baser instincts. So no, I don't feel particularly guilty about killing murderers and homeless men."

"Who are you to play God?" she asked.

"No one. I don't play God; I play the part of hunter."

She slid backwards, knees drawn to her chest. In her upright fetal position she drew strength but looked weak in my eyes. I shuttered my features, putting on a poker face and hoping to distill some of her fear. I could see shards of red refracting throughout the room that her eyes wouldn't catch. Even though I'd hunted less than an hour ago I was still thirsty, craving more.

"You were done with human blood." Her voice shook and she cleared her throat. "You were abstinent for three years and yet you all of a sudden go back and feel no remorse? What about that little girl? What if another comes by and skins her knees? What will you do then, Edward?"

My defense kicked in. I wanted to tear her apart, violently unleash my anger. I had told her in confidence of my most horrible memory and yet she brought it up. The shutters opened as I felt my brow lower and my lip curl up in response. Bella shrank back, big brown eyes wide and fearful.

"Did you ask me here so that you could pick at my lifestyle choices or was there a real reason?" I snapped.

"This isn't a lifestyle choice. You stopped before, you can stop now," she said timidly.

"In case you don't remember, I'm doing this for you. Because there are others on our trail who are hot for your blood and want to kill the both of us."

She clenched her jaw, bottom lid of her left eye twitching. "I remember."

I stood from my chair and began to pace. Talking about James and Victoria made me more than irritated. The fact that they were close by, biding their time until the right moment occurred didn't just make me uneasy, but downright terrified. Not only was Bella in trouble because of me but now Carlisle and Esme were involved, as well.

I stopped in front of the window on the west side of the room, glancing out into the wilderness. I saw Carlisle leaning against a tree a couple miles out. He was staring up at me, thoughts racing and pumping through my head.

_I'll give you more time, but soon enough Esme and I will be coming back. Get on with your conversation._

I glared down at him. I should have taken her out into town, could have taken her to an assortment of places. But really, what would the point be? I had no doubt my two hosts would follow me out. My red eyes wouldn't make for proper society either.

I turned back to Bella; she was still facing away from me, knees hugged to her chest. Even though she was clearly upset with me she still found the strength to call me, the least I could do was listen and be receptive. I was capable of that.

I kneeled on the bed, slowly making my way over to her. I placed a tentative hand on her waist and then on her thigh, lowering her trapped legs. Bella reluctantly brought her legs down and soon enough we were in an embrace that had previously been so easy. Now it was tense, unwelcome.

"You have something important to say. Please, go ahead," I murmured.

Her heart sped up, pulse hammering through her spine and into my chest. For a moment it felt as if I had the beating organ inside of me. I felt so much colder than normal, even more lifeless.

"Esme already ruined it," she mumbled.

My eyes closed slowly. "No. No, she didn't. Say it, please."

"I—I don't know." She began fidgeting, drawing away from me to sit against the headboard. I sat by her knees, waiting expectantly. "I love you—I think."

"You think?"

"It's not that easy!" she exclaimed. "You're the worst part of my life, do you even realize that?" Her eyes pierced mine, begging me to understand. "You hurt me every day, mentally, physically—but especially emotionally. It's like one moment I hate you and I want to leave and then the next you do something that makes me question myself."

"So it's a part-time love," I wondered aloud.

Her lips parted and she looked at me incredulously. "Do you think this is a joke?"

"No," I answered. "I think you're too young to understand the emotions you're feeling."

She stood from the bed and ran to the door, tripping on a wayward floorboard. I heard her make her way to the guestroom down the hall and then the door was slammed. Once again Bella ran away from her problems. I'd instilled diversionary tactics in her and I was to blame, but I was in no mood to play around and wait for her sulking to die down.

I broke down the door to the guest room—unintentionally. While the lock bent and shattered the door splintered in half and fell to the floor. Bella gaped at me from the bed where she was propped up from her fetal position.

"It was an accident," I said quickly. "The blood makes my natural instincts more… violent."

"Disgusting," she spat.

"If you run away again and I have to catch you I can't guarantee you won't end up like this door," I said, gesturing. She paled and hugged a pillow to her chest like a shield. "Continue what you were telling me prior."

She shook her head. "No. I don't want to."

"Bella," I sighed, coming closer. "I'm not renouncing your feelings. But as you said, how can it be possible? For the past three years we've spent the majority of our time together. Humans interpret this different, they see it as—"

"I don't _care_ what humans think! I don't care about anyone else's human feelings. This is me, Edward. I know what I feel and it's—" She sucked in a deep breath. "—I love you, okay? You can tell me off now."

Bella had closed her eyes half way through. She looked like the little girl I'd come across so long ago, retreating into the recesses of her mind to escape the torture I inflicted. What was the difference between human love and her love? I oftentimes found myself comparing her and others, how she differed in maturity and put up with everything I dealt out.

I would not deny her those feelings. If she wanted love I would give it to her.

I kneeled on the bed and crawled to her. Grabbing the pillow in her arms, I threw it to the floor. She looked up at me, lips parted and expression hauntingly innocent. I felt my stomach drop, blood churning with the vague instinct to bite.

As I leaned forward, she fell back until I was above her, the tips of her breasts touched my chest. I kissed her, slow and unhurriedly. She didn't even pretend to struggle. Bella willingly gave me into me, submitting every part of her with the gesture. I realized the level of harm I was doing, how my indecision about a human girl could hurt her more than I comprehended.

I slid my hands down, pulling her pants and undergarments along with me. Bella wrapped her arms around my neck, trying with all her might to pull me down further, but I refused to be moved. After minutes of unsuccessfully trying to bring me to her, she sat up, fully bringing our bodies together. She was warm with the fever of her distress. Her tears stained my cheeks, sizzling my skin. Laying her back, I licked up a salty trail on her neck.

"I don't get it," she sobbed.

"Then don't think," I murmured. "Just feel—with me."

With her pants around her ankles, I traveled along her belly, traced tendons and webbed veins with my eyes and sucked at her hips. Two bright, plump bruises formed on either side and I momentarily congratulated myself for not drawing blood.

Bella breathed out shakily, hands gripping the pillowcase. She wasn't an annoying human, an ugly human, a weak human. She would make a good immortal, would most definitely have some kind of ability that would put my mind-reading to shame. If I could manage to have her trust me, love me enough that she wouldn't dream of killing me once the strength was available, I could have been more certain on the matter of her death.

"Why do you look at me like that?" she whispered. "I _hate_ it."

I did not hesitate. "I'm thinking of you like me."

Her eyes widened in understanding and she sat up fully. Her body shifted on the sheets and so did I. My tongue wriggled its way inside her and I refused to answer any more questions on the matter.

Bella fisted my hair and pushed me closer. The shell she'd formed to proclaim innocence fell away a little more each day. Each time my face was buried between her legs she got a little louder, a little more crude and a little more demanding.

I heard Carlisle's thoughts leave my head with a vague echo. Esme had convinced him it was wrong to listen and intrude on Bella's privacy.

"It feels so good," Bella whispered breathlessly.

I pulled her labia apart with my thumbs and tongued her clit. The open access had her gasping. I was mesmerized by the way her thighs tightened around my head, her ass ground into the sheets which soaked up extra moisture from sweat and cum. The tiny muscle jumped and jittered with my laving and my venom. The powerful component of my mouth could put any woman on her back and begging for mercy.

Bella fell to the bed, yanking her shirt off and offering her taught nipples to the heavens. I hadn't even stuck a finger inside by the time her second orgasm rolled around. Even when the constant shrieks coming from her throat pierced the air I could only focus on the way her stomach pulsed with her heart.

If I changed her there would be no more hammering pulse when I did this. She would be cold and easily held in place in like a statue. I rested my folded arms on her waist lightly. Without my restraint she began to squirm again. Little feet landed on my shoulders and then her heels were digging in as she lifted herself and bobbed her hips for a few moments. I licked my lips and separated her thighs.

My clothing was torn with impatience and my hips were set in place like a runner's perfect positioning. Sex would be different. I wouldn't have a hot body wriggling around with slick skin. There would be no eyes looking up at me, dilated and ready to cross when orgasm neared.

I slid in. She gasped.

"_Yes!_" she hissed.

_You wouldn't have to restrain yourself, _my mind reasoned. My hips flexed forward too hard and the headboard dented the wall. _You could fuck for weeks and not need a break. She could do things she can't now._

I groaned loudly. Bella arched her body while she sank her teeth into a pillow, muffling so many sounds that could have been my name. I tossed it behind my shoulder and grabbed her jaw, barely stifling the urge to break it. She looked up at me, open mouthed and gasping.

The fear in her eyes was put off by the squeezing around my cock. I wasn't stupid. I knew she liked the violence, knew that if it was reasonable she'd get into the game and think I was really violating her. Bella and I had been together for a long time, and though the fear she'd once felt was tamped down, there were certain things she'd come to appreciate.

"I never want to stop," I gritted out. "All I want—oh, damn—is to stay right here and pound into you for days."

"Do it," she gasped. "Fuck me. I love you, so fuck me."

My thrusts stuttered. She could put love into _this_? She could look at the feral beast that was above her, using her for physical pleasure and still think she loved me? As she said the words her heartbeat picked up and I couldn't doubt the sincerity. But I wished more than anything it was a lie.

"Say it back. Please, Edward."

Looking up at the ceiling, I tried to buy some time. She sat up, wrapping her arms around my neck and stopped my movements.

How did I react to something like that? I could handle her telling me but I hadn't expected to… to say anything back. Her fingers touched my jaw and neck, trying to coerce me into looking at her. I kept my eyes fixed on the trim of the room, the way the wallpaper was perfectly molded to the to the crease of the ceiling.

Once, when I was younger and playing in the fields of Jasmine during mid-July, I'd grown close to a girl. We spent the days of summer running around and climbing trees. We were only seven when she told me she'd loved me. My mother told me not to hurt her feelings and I said it back without emotion or truth, yet that mattered very little to her.

That was the first and only time I'd said it to someone who wasn't blood related. Until now.

I allowed Bella to pull my face to hers, met her weepy eyes head on and locked my arms against the mattress. Her breath smashed against my face, sending rumbling waves of hunger under my skin. Kissing her gently, I settled back down, moving my hips once more.

"I love you," I murmured.

Bella made a noise against my mouth, closing her eyes and smiling. She couldn't hide the disbelief on her face. Instead of acknowledging the way her arms tightened around me, and her whole body heated up like a furnace, I kept a close watch on my frantic thrusts, trying not to lose control of my body.

"I love you, I love you," she breathed against my neck. "_Oh_… please."

I whispered my declaration into her ear when she asked me to, touched her where she pleased and came with my face buried in a pillow while she kissed my cheek, ear and shoulder.

For the first time since we'd met, I felt pure, unadulterated guilt.

* * *

**A/N: Only a few more chapters. I don't want to BS the ending and therefore I write when I feel the characters. I don't want anyone to be jaded, reader or character.**


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: Surprise!  
**

* * *

Carlisle glared at me from across the room. Upon returning home and making sure I hadn't crushed Bella in my passion, he called me into his study. Bella had been tucked into the large comforters, smiling, and though Carlisle could not see, her thighs were clamped together as if to keep what had just happened from slipping away.

Esme was sprawled across a chaise longue, looking more human than I'd seen her. Eyes closed, she tuned us out and began singing folk songs in her head. The white noise of voice made me wish for sleep. If only I could lie down and fall into unconsciousness like Bella was at the moment. The combination of Esme's soothing lullaby and Bella's rhythmic breathing had my eyes drooping.

"Can you justify the way you lied to her?" Carlisle interrupted my simulated sleep.

"I thought you left the surrounding area. I couldn't hear you," I murmured, not opening my eyes.

"I came closer to the house, you were otherwise occupied. But we both know you were telling her what she wanted to hear. And by doing so you're hurting her more. What is the exact motivation for lying to her this gravely? Do you want to crush her spirit, or do you just want to push the ring of her life further down your finger?"

"Maybe I meant it," I reasoned.

"After all the things you've put her through—all the emotional and physical torture how can you say that, Edward?"

"Don't you think I'm capable of love, Carlisle?"

His mind raced ahead of what he tried to keep from his tongue. _No. Not when you're still acting so childish. Not when you've made it apparent that—_

_ "_Made it apparent that what, Carlisle?" I opened my eyes and met his heated gaze. "I evacuated her from the town she grew up in to protect her. I could easily hand her over, have the three of them take her away and go back to my nomadic life."

He didn't back down at my words, only held up a challenge. "If you love her, you'll change her."

I hadn't expected any less. "Fine then."

Esme opened one eye and rolled it around to find me. "Think about what you just said, Edward."

I didn't have room to think. She needed to be changed. As much as I feared her newborn strength being used against me, I had her trust at the moment and Bella didn't betray those she trusted. She'd be uncoordinated in a fight, susceptible to three experienced fighters, but if they managed to get a hold of her they wouldn't be able to easily rip newborn skin apart. It would take hours to separate every part of the body into three inch chunks and then wait around for them to burn.

Esme cracked open her other eye and turned her head to face me. She waited expectantly. I wouldn't be using her for the sole purpose of winning a fight or eliminating a casualty. I would take her as my mate, get her acclimated to the surrounding world and be a vessel for her insatiable sexual need upon waking up to a new life. She wouldn't need to repress and abstain like I was forced to.

"I've thought plenty about it, Esme. She wants it anyway. If you don't believe me than ask her about it. We've gone through arguments for months prior to this and I'm sure she'd be delighted to hear my change of heart."

Carlisle immediately interjected. "Are you willing to keep her by your side for all of eternity? Forsake all others and do nothing but cater to her every need?"

I smirked. "I do."

He didn't find me amusing. "What changed since you first heard of her feelings? Surely you didn't have such a quick_ change of heart_."

The sheets in Bella's room rustled and I heard her bones pop in place from sleep. I left the room quickly, glad to escape the scorching heat of Carlisle's interrogation and glare.

Bella was sitting up in bed by the time I made it to the room. The sheets were pooled around her thighs, making her appear to be some Grecian Goddess awoken from a glimmering dream. I could imagine a painting done in her image.

She looked up at me, noticing for the first time that someone else was in the room. Instead of modestly covering herself, she smiled and fell to her back, hair scattering around a pillow. Arms outstretched to the headboard, she gestured for me to come closer. I did so, hesitantly.

Carlisle's thoughts echoed through my head as I made my way over. _Ask her. I want to hear this with my own ears._

I climbed over Bella while settling into the heat of her open thighs. The warmth was blistering, welcoming. She pressed against my cock and rubbed heartily. She took control of everything, kissing me, pulling, scratching, and biting. The role reversal was strange and almost as if I was hovering above the bed watching a different woman.

"Bella," I mumbled against her lips. "Stop for a moment."

She took a breath and fell back. "Why?"

"We need to talk." Her eyes widened and I brushed my fingers through her hair. "Nothing bad. Well, I guess that's dependent on how you take the discussion."

"What? What is it?" I allowed her to sit up, backing myself against the headboard. "Did something happen?"

I could read the terror on her face. Did I change my mind? Was everything for naught? "No. Everything is as it should be for the moment. Though I _have_ had some very enlightening conversations and have something to ask you."

Once again, Carlisle's thoughts came to me. _He's really going to do it. I just can't believe…_

"Oh," she breathed. "Ask away."

It was easier to do this side by side. I didn't look at her, instead focused on the top of her head in the mirror. From her angle she'd be able to see my face and that was enough. It was better to do this fast, like killing a victim, break the neck before the thoughts became too much.

"What are your thoughts on becoming a vampire?"

Bella's breath hitched, her heart double-timed and she jumped onto my outstretched legs, staring at my face while trying to find any sign that I was joking. For several moments she waited for the punch line and when I only sat silently and waited, she figured it out.

"You're serious," she breathed.

I nodded. "I am."

Tears began to well in her eyes. "I feel like this all a dream. Like at any moment the rug could be swept from under me. I can't… if that happens, Edward—" she took in a shuddering breath and closed her eyes. "I don't think I'll be able to take it if that happens."

"Come here," I whispered. She leaned forward and I embraced her, my lips touched the shell of her ear and she shuddered. "This is no dream."

"If it is, I want it to last," she whispered back.

She pressed her face into my shoulder. I moved hair away and saw only the glowing white expanse of her throat. "And what if I put you to sleep right now? In a short time you'd wake up with new eyes. The dream could continue for eternity."

She swallowed. "I want that."

Her barely audible reply meant little. I already unhinged my jaw and even with the forfeit of her consent there was no stopping me. My front two teeth grazed her skin and my senses went wild. So much more sensitive than my tongue, the hunger swirled all around, up and down my nervous system. Bella's fingers tightened in my hair and I moved in, scraping gently and then biting.

The body in my arms stiffened. There, buried in soft white skin and frazzled nerves, red wine poured out and saturated my tongue. It was a divine rapture on my taste buds. After three years of abstaining from my incessant need, to have it right here was too much. I retracted my teeth and took a strong pull.

"_It hurts."_

_ "Stay still, Bella. Don't fight." Oh God, oh God. "Carlisle, do something!"_

Like hell they'd take this away from me. I was forced to abstain before, but now that I had it—swallowed it down like a parched man—I would never part with it. Not until the very last drop was sliding down my clenching gullet.

My jaw was forced open, unhinging my attempts at breathing in blood. I was on the floor. A body was over mine. Someone was screaming when they should have been dead.

"_Was this some kind of joke, Edward?"_ Right in my ear. "_Did you think you could drain her and that would solve everything? Well it doesn't matter anymore. The change is happening and you'll have to live up to your promises."_

_ "God, Carlisle. So much blood. I-I don't even know if she has enough strength to make it through…"_

_ "Keep her conscious, Esme."_

_ Not like them to keep the area unguarded._

_ I smell human. And blood. Maybe they decided to off the kid._

My senses sobered up quickly. Two distinct voices ran through my head and a third that I couldn't recognize. But I caught sight of what he saw, who the other saw. I stiffened under Carlisle, bloodlust at the back of my throat but no longer clouding my vision.

Bella was on the bed, writhing and groaning. A gash in her throat caught my attention, barely contained by ripped sheets soaked in the heavenly excrement. She gasped out, blinked furiously, but nothing more than tiny sounds escaped her throat. It was like watching the scene with the volume turned off.

"Carlisle," I whispered, hoping against all reason that maybe the three nomads wouldn't hear me. "They're here."

For the first time since I'd met him, he swore like the Devil. His forearm lifted from my throat and before I could even think to move, he had me out of the room and down the hall. Several blood packets were thrown haphazardly in my direction. I tore into them, sating myself to a small portion of control.

"How far?" he asked, not looking up from his desk.

"A few miles. They'll be here in two and a half minutes."

"How many?"

"Three."

"They'll be frenzied by her blood. This will only motivate them more to attack with all their strength. You couldn't have decided on this before? Maybe waited a while before making stupid decisions."

He pulled out a rusted key and darted to a safe. Always the careful and controlled Carlisle, he opened it with care and took out more blood packs—animal this time. He drank greedily and I followed him down the hall to Esme. She was bent over Bella, not breathing and focused on creating a tight enough tourniquet that wouldn't choke her.

I spoke without inhaling. "If we fight them off long enough she might be able to get through the change. She doesn't have much blood in her system and the venom latches on to every platelet before eventually becoming a substitute. The transformation might be cut in half—"

"We can't go on what-ifs." He lifted her eyelids and noted the already blackened pupil that eclipsed her eyes. Red veins flooded the white. "It's already happening. There's no way to stop it. We just have to hope for the best. Even more so for our own well-beings."

Carlisle froze as we both heard the quiet landing of feet on the gravel driveway. He placed a leather pad between Bella's teeth to keep from biting her tongue. The gag suppressed her breathing a little more, but it would do no good against their hearing.

Arriving downstairs, Esme stood in the foyer, changed from her floor sweeping skirt into something better for flexing and running. I couldn't imagine such a petite, motherly woman going into head-to-head with three murderous bastards.

Carlisle led our group out onto the porch and slowly I was faced with the group. I hadn't seen Victoria and James since Washington, but they looked no different. The third man who had stood guard was off to the side, looking reluctant to do anything more than run away.

"Can I help you three?" Carlisle immediately took control. Every one of his three hundred years came forward in the most authoritative voice I'd heard from him.

James took control of his group, cutting off the third member—Laurent. "Just need to clear up some business with your boy. Or you can hand over the dying human." He smiled.

Carlisle's shoulders widened with his straighter stance. "She's dying. No more than a few hours and her heart will stop. Can't you leave and let us give her peaceful death?"

"If she's doomed to die, couldn't I just snap her neck and be on my way?" James asked.

The blood in my stomach churned. Carlisle half-stepped in front of me to stop any active move. He was looking to control the situation without a fight. The three of them acted clam enough now, played along with Carlisle's reasoning, but the thoughts running through James's head betrayed the cool expression on his face.

"She's in great pain," Carlisle said lowly. "She'll be gone soon enough, please, leave us be."

"We would be willing to kill her quickly—no more pain than she's already in," Laurent spoke for the first time. He seemed eager to end this conflict, eyes darting between Victoria and James. "We have no vested interest in her life or her death, but I'm afraid after the rowdy display in Washington it's against my friend's stubborn instincts to let things go."

"All will be forgiven with her dying pulse," James said quickly, shrugging nonchalantly. "And if that's too much to ask, I could always forcibly make my way into the house and do it myself."

A snarl ripped from my chest. The bastard was looking for a fight, egging on my protective instincts and territorial greed. It was bad enough they'd followed me across the country, but to give a shoddy ultimatum instead of going in for the kill made anger swell in my eyes.

Victoria cocked her head. _Red… _

Laurent caught my gaze and then looked to Carlisle and Esme. Victoria stuttered in her confidence. After our fight last time, my female stalker was unsure of her ability to kill. With just animal blood I had succeeded in ridding both her and James. With human blood I'd have more power, and while all these thoughts ran through her head, a cocky smile formed on my lips. James was immediately put off.

"Smile all you want, one more chance: let us in or we force you out of the way."

"Try it," I sneered.

James threw himself at me, red eyes feral and teeth bared. Carlisle ducked out of his way and tackled Victoria to the ground before she could get to Esme. I left the two of them to fend off the others and chased James into the woods.

Unaware of my intruding mind, his thoughts led him up to a rocky cliff where he was sure to out-maneuver me on the terrain. On my way by, I knocked over a series of trees; the domino effect led to a quick trail of oaks blocking off the mountains exit.

James turned stopped and turned. I was thirty feet away, crouched low enough to coil my leg muscles. "No more running then," he growled. "Let's have a rematch."

I sprang from my position and narrowly missed grabbing him by the waist. James rolled away and repositioned himself. I mirrored his movements and saw an attack plan forming in his head.

For minutes we attacked and defended. I saw the ideas in his head before he could act and countered easily. Frustration was winning him over, each attack soon followed by a cry of outrage. Wary of my prior knowledge, he stopped thinking and acted only on instinct.

"How do you know!" he cried. I swept his legs out but he quickly bounded backwards.

Circling now, I tried to find Carlisle. He was far from his home, out in the mountains somewhere. Victoria was everywhere at once, hiding in caverns and bursting through the other side, dropping trees, boulders and anything else she could find. He hadn't managed more than to bring her to the ground, almost decapitating her before Laurent twisted his arm away.

Esme was at the house. She was speaking calmly to Laurent, trying to persuade him not to fight with his two friends. Torn between duty and indecision he chose to neither help nor sabotage the two.

"What will you do when your mate's dead?" I asked James.

"What the hell does that mean? Victoria can fend for herself, your human can't," he growled. "Aren't you concerned about that dying girl? By the time we're finished here she'll probably be cold and lifeless."

I smiled. "That's the plan."

He looked baffled for a moment, mind racing to figure out why I'd want to kill her. And then, suddenly, it came to a screeching halt as a conclusion rounded.

"She's changing."

I lunged while he was distracted. My arms wrapped around his waist and I managed to open my jaw wide enough to latch onto his ribcage. Howling in pain, his hands pushed at my head, twisted my neck and dented my shoulders. I bit off a chuck of skin and spit it out and drove my fist inside his hollow chest.

The fact that so many organs had been removed from previous fights wavered the possibility that this would end quickly. Experienced as James was, my concern rose. My collarbone snapped with his fighting hand and I continually dug inside his body, breaking bones and when I'd uncovered the treasure my hand broke through his chest cavity.

A wail of agony broke through the small clearing and I rolled away before he got to my neck. It was a mess of venom and skin on the ground. His body was contorted into a shapeless lump. Popping my bones back into place and waiting for the painful sting of regeneration, I gathered brush and snapped stones together until they sparked.

Hearing James's screaming, Victoria changed her attack and was rushing in my direction. I gathered pieces of his body threw them in and began to snap off limbs. I had only managed his legs and one arm by the time she rounded the corner.

She wasted no time running at me, releasing a battle cry that would make a human's ears bleed. We grappled on the ground, her hands grabbed onto anything, and soon enough she found something to pelt me with. Rocks of all sizes and polishes dented my flesh as she pounded them in, shattering on impact but not without damage.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw James's mangled body making a roll for us. He moved his scrap of flesh closer with one arm. The sizzling pop of flesh and bone in the bonfire beside me only served to enhance the fact that he should have been incapacitated. Victoria relentlessly pummeled me with anything within her reach, her teeth bit into my shoulder and neck while almost decapitating me.

While the thought, _Where the hell is Carlisle?_ Crossed my mind, a flash of white rammed into our small twosome. Victoria was knocked away. Hitting a few trees on her journey, she landed on her feet and settled into a fighting stance. She ignored Carlisle and flew to me once more.

No longer on the ground, I found my balance and successfully met her hit-for-hit. We circled like predators and though I was her enemy, Victoria's gaze was riveted on James, who now crawled away from Carlisle.

Carlisle shot off like a bullet, appearing in front of James and lifting him by the one arm. Victoria ran closer and I pushed her into a boulder. On impact it crumpled but did little to stop her. I managed to get her to the ground and Carlisle tore off James's final limb, tossing it into the bonfire.

It was like a scene out of a horror movie. A stump of a body wriggled around on the ground as if it were a fish without water. Lightly tinted purple venom fell from the wounds which were starting to heal over, trying to call back the burning pieces in the fire.

Victoria shrieked beneath me, tried desperately to crawl out at the sight of her mate's beheading. I wrapped myself around her and cuffed her to the ground. I could think of no greater punishment than watching the one she loved die before her.

Wild thoughts entered my head as James's faded out. Once his remains were thrown away I only had the violent, merciless sounds of Victoria. The pain pulsing in my temples was unbearable.

"Hurry up, Carlisle!" I yelled. "Kill her already!"

He grimaced but otherwise kept his morbid thoughts about life and death to himself. I was appalled when he murmured a quick prayer before snapping Victoria's head off. They'd brought this on themselves and didn't deserve mercy or praise.

Though her head was removed, the body still squirmed and fought. The frantic strength of helplessness made the impact stronger. I could feel the bones in my legs shattering with each kick. Carlisle worked slowly until he'd broken her body into smaller parts and then sat on the ground to watch it burn.

A large plume of purple smoke filled the air and I laid back to watch it disappear into the clouds. It was thicker than regular smoke. The venom would kill anything within a mile radius. I could already hear deer carcasses hitting the ground, saw birds fall out of the sky.

Carlisle and I watched the bodies burn and the smoke dwindle away until our bones were healed. The sickening twist of muscle and skeletal regulation died away with the last ember and looking closer, there was no piece of flesh left unburned.

"Do you think she's done?" I asked Carlisle.

He fell to his back and closed his eyes. "She's not a turkey in the oven. When she's finished, you'll know."

"Esme's wondering where we are. She held off Laurent but when he saw the smoke, he left."

"Good," he murmured. "I don't think we'll have any trouble from him."

We sat in silence for a few moments and I looked to the heavens. "Carlisle?"

"Yes, Edward?"

"I'm sorry."

"I know you are." He opened his eyes and looked sideways at me.

I swallowed down the way rejection rose in my chest at the idea of cutting off my diet. "I'd like to go back. I don't want this—to prey on humans, I mean. If Bella's going into this world it'll be hard enough to control her without having to worry about myself."

"I think she can do it," he wondered aloud. "I think she was meant to become one of us. I had a feeling as soon as I saw her."

"She'll make a great immortal," I agreed.

"Were you truthful when you said you loved her?" Carlisle asked. His mind told me not to lie, that if I lied to him one more time he wouldn't be able to trust me. I couldn't sever the bond I had with my sire. Not after what he'd done for me.

"I didn't at the time," I answered honestly. "But I think I could learn to love her. She's a good woman. When I say it aloud I think back to the past three years and the time wasted. If I had matured, think of all that could have been, Carlisle."

He sat up on his elbows. "You can make it up to her," he said with conviction. "Make the next three years count. Stay by her side, introduce her to this world, help her and then you'll have eternity to make everything up and more."

I nodded my head and stood, extending my hand in a humanly gesture to help him up. We walked back to the house at a leisurely pace and as Esme came into view, worried eyes set on the two of us, I heard the last beat of Bella's heart.

* * *

**A/N: I think this goes by quickly, but once I started writing it I couldn't stop. I think there's going to be one more chapter and an epilogue, but it's subject to change.**

**Don't forget to review!  
**


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